Veterans Day

On this Veterans Day, let us remember the service of our veterans, and let us renew our national promise to fulfill our sacred obligations to our veterans and their families who have sacrificed so much so that we can live free.

~ Dan Lipinski

Please take the time today to shake the hand of a soldier/veteran and thank them for their service without them this country wouldn't be.  From my family we thank all members of the military.  God Bless you always. 

Feeling Defeated

Commercials and TV make jokes about how the woman controls the relationship and the man doesn't dare go against her but we all know that is fiction.  If you spouse is anything like mine he is always right and can never accept defeat.  My husband and his sister have spent hours arguing with each other because neither can admit being wrong.  It is something I have lived with our entire marriage.  For the first several years it was so difficult living with him because every time we had an argument he had to be right so it felt like nothing I said was heard.  Which leads me to the next point which is the selective hearing that every man possess.  I can approach him with a concern and he won't hear me but if I go to another room and whisper under my breath about him he has super hearing and its amazing how fast he pays attention.  After he was diagnosed with PTSD these issues got worse.  If you have a spouse with PTSD you can most likely relate to what I am saying.  I have been in a lot of hard situations in my life but trying to have a discussion with my husband since his return from Afghanistan is virtually impossible.  Even the simplest of conversations turn into long drawn out arguments.  I will admit at first it was so hard to walk away before it turned into a huge fight but I learned to simply walk away and wait for him to calm down before approaching the topic again though to be honest that has its issues too.  Which leads me to the next problem of memory.

If your spouse is anything like mine they have selective memory and choose to remember what they think will work to their advantage and no matter how many times you try to tell them that they are mistaken it again goes back to the original issue of not being wrong.  These issues are almost always in any marriage but when your spouse has PTSD and a TBI these issues are magnified by a thousand.  My husband once told me that he couldn't remember my name until our third date but yet after a massive trauma he can remember something I said last week.  I told him that in order to avoid useless arguments I was going to start recording our days to play back to show him that its not always me.  I am not always the cause of his problems.  

My point in telling you all of that is to let you know that your not alone.  Having to always defend yourself or be the brunt of their attitudes can be exhausting.  I spend most of my days defending my choices and actions to him and yet he can't remember what I said to begin with.  It is stressful and wears down the spirit a bit.  I have met so many soldiers with PTSD and I see how hard life is for them, they don't understand what is going on inside them and so it is hard for the spouses to understand when they are unable to vocalize it to us.  We have been married for 15 years and have gone through the who's right and wrong for years but it got down right frustrating after his return from Afghanistan.  In all the years of our marriage never once was divorce a thought but after he came home he started thinking about divorce.  I was shocked here was the man I have loved more than anything for most of my life telling me that maybe we weren't meant to be.  I realized after that divorce is high in this country but it is higher among military.  It sadden me to see that divorce rates are so high in military families.  

I started thinking about the vows for better or worse, in sickness and health till death do us part.  These soldiers can't help it what they are going through is a sickness.  They don't plot how to make us spouses suffer.  They are hurting and here we are talking about leaving them.  I am in no way trying to judge anyone some cases are different what I am trying to do is to show a different side to this.  How would I feel if it were me who was suffering PTSD/TBI and my spouse walked away?  Could I live with myself knowing that when he needed me most I gave up and left?  I have heard it said what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, we are military spouses we are strong.  It does help to have a support system to lean on or family that can help.  But the fact is that these men and women are suffering.  They need their spouses to be there for them to lead them back.  They are lost and broken it is up to us spouses to take them and lead them out of the dark to a place that they can remember.  Psychologists can only do so much.  It is you the spouse who knows them inside and out and their deepest most treasured moments.  I know it is hard to fight when you feel like everything you are doing is wrong.  Just remember that whether they know it or not they need you to be there for them.  

My advice tonight is try to put yourself in their shoes and try to really understand where they are coming from.  If you have survived a deployment then you know your strong enough and think about it this way.... our soldiers make up 1% of this country's population and you are married to the 1%.  You are stronger than you think you are, it takes strength and love to be married to a soldier, so when you feel like quitting remember that and know that there are others like you out there who have been there and you can get through this and hopefully with your help so will your spouse and your marriage. 

Unanswered Questions

For those of you with children you have been in the uncomfortable situation of having to explain difficult things while avoiding subjects too hard for them to understand.  That is how it is with a spouse with PTSD.  Since my husband's accident and the diagnosis of TBI it has been that way with him.  Along with the PTSD he now has TBI to deal with which has severely affected his memory.  I have seen shows on TV about memory loss and amnesia, but never imagined how hard it is for those that suffer it.  One of the main side effects of his TBI is short term memory problems, vision issues, and an inability to operate a vehicle (particularly hard for him since he has been a truck driver since he was 20).  I see him suffer on a daily basis trying to remember the simple things and asking me constantly what is real and what his brain added in.  

I have had plenty of experience with my kids asking questions that are hard to answer without telling them things beyond their age, but it is a whole new world I am not familiar with when my husband does it.  Before the PTSD and the TBI he was a great almost phenomenal truck driver, college educated, very street smart, and amazing soldier; now he questions everything and has a very distinct lack of self esteem.  The hardest part is seeing him struggle to remember.  I watch him talk to people and if he gets interupted he can not remember what he was saying.  He easily gets distracted during conversations and finds it very difficult to get back into the conversation like he normally would.  

The point in telling you this is that as the days go by he asks me constantly about his condition and why certain things are happening.  He wants me to give him answers that I can not give him.  The hardest part is because of the PTSD; even if I thought that with the TBI he could handle the information the PTSD and his reactions keep me from telling him certain things.  Just like with your children you have to pick and choose what to tell them without lying to them.  I have to do the same thing on a daily basis.  It gets particularly hard when he thinks I am trying to hide things from him due to his condition and then he lashes out at me.  

I have seen PTSD in someone without other physical injury and PTSD in someone with other injury and I don't know which one is more difficult to deal with.  Truth be told it isn't a game as to whom is worse than whom;  my point in mentioning it is that with someone with injury they tend to understand a little bit better why this is happening to them whereas the people I have met that have had no other injury feel that their PTSD isn't as valid as those that suffered other injury.  My husband is one of those.  His PTSD was brought on by a severe emotional trauma and for months he argued that he couldn't seek help because it would be an insult to those that suffered injury along with their PTSD diagnosis.  He felt that him being diagnosed with PTSD was wrong because he didn't suffer a greater trauma.  It is hard to explain to them how their thinking is wrong.  

At the end of the day I have decided honsety is best.  I have tried telling what I felt he needed to know, I have tried redirecting his questions, and I have come out and told him the truth and while the latter makes him angry for a short time he tends to do better knowing the truth.  The fact is there are some questions they may ask that we will never be able to answer the biggest of those is the "why did this happen to me?"  All I can tell him is God will someday tell him why.

Seeking Relief Where Ever Possible

Almost everywhere you go these days you see service animals.  If your like me then you assume that they are only for people who may be blind, deaf or physically challenged.  I recently learned that this simply isn't true.  When my husband returned home from Afghanistan he had/has such a hard time adjusting to public areas and rarely wants to go out.  He has a hard time understanding that the people he sees aren't there to hurt him so he rarely leaves home.  It is hard to see someone who loved going to the movies, or playing mini golf, going out to eat, and hanging out with friends; afraid to leave the home for fear of what people are going to do to him or think of him.  It is heartbreaking the man that I see now.  The more I spoke to people about PTSD the more I heard them say that he should get a therapy dog to help him in these areas.  So I approached him about it and he said he didn't need one and much like me he assumed that service dogs were for people with debilitating conditions.  What he didn't and doesn't understand is that his PTSD is a debilitating condition.  He told me he couldn't get a service dog because so many other people who NEED them would have to wait until  he got his and to him that wasn't fair.  It seem like no matter what I said he wouldn't hear of getting a service dog so I dropped it, for a while.  

After his accident he continued to get worse and has so many outbursts that I find it difficult not to lash out at him.   He has told me numerous times how he fears returning to work or having to face multiple people again.  It appears that the more he stays home the more he fears going out so once again I approached the service dog discussion, I told him that they have service dogs for military and for people with PTSD.  Of course he told me that he couldn't take a dog aways from his fellow service members that desperately need one.  Then I was lucky to come across a trained PTSD dog.  Someone close to our family already had a dog that acted as a PTSD dog and so we went to visit him to meet his dog and it was amazing what these animals can do.  Never having met my husband this dog sat for a bit watching my husband and at one point he started to get freaked out like he usually does and without command or anyone saying anything this dog got up walked over to my husband sat down in front of him and nudged him.  She continued this until he started petting her.  It wasn't long before he was calming down and even starting to laugh a bit.  The whole time she sat there with him he caressed her ears and spoke to her and within a very short time he was comfortable enough that for the first time since his deployment he fell asleep for a short time somewhere other than home!  It was amazing how fast he attached to her and her to him.  It was decided then that this dog was a must have for my husband.  

She has been with us a week now and he rarely leaves her side.  When he goes to his doctor appointments she goes with him.  She gets wildly upset if he leaves and makes her stay she doesn't understand why he won't let her protect him.  I never knew that dogs could be trained to read someone and help without being told.  For the last few months things have been stressful and I find myself freaking out at his behaviors but with her here it gives me peace and he calms down quickly.  She has been amazing for him.  Along with the emotional support she gives him, having something to focus on and someone to care for helps him as well.

My thoughts are if you can handle having a dog it is worth it.  PTSD dogs are amazing.  One recommendation would be to get one that is fully trained.  We are still training her and just this week she was certified as a US Service Dog.  I am so thankful to have her here to help him out.  

Broken

When someone we love gets hurt or sick our first instinct is to do everything we can to help them feel better.  We go above and beyond to show the sick person that we care about them.  Usually this is a good thing but for a soldier with PTSD it can back fire and cause more problems.  One thing I have learned from my husband is that most of the time he doesn't even know what he wants so there is no way for me to know.  I have been married for 14 years and know him better than anyone else but since his return from Afghanistan it is like living with a stranger.  The simple things he used to love now seem to annoy him and he gets so frustrated so easily at the little things I do to make him feel better.  As a spouse we tend to take it too personally when our other half lashes out at us (well at least I do), and it takes time to understand that they aren't doing it to you they just don't know what to do with themselves.  It has truly become a labor of love when trying to help my husband because prior to helping I first have to investigate the situation to see if there is anything I can do.  No longer can I look over at him and know in my head that all he needs is a cup of coffee or one of his blankets or whatever else he used to love  now I have to ask him permission to try and make him feel better which of course can set him off if his mood isn't right.  I don't like the phrase but it truly is handling him with kid gloves.  I spend a better part of my time trying to learn his new moods and recognizing them when they happen but that is not always accurate.

 Over the last few months I have learned that sometimes the best way to help him is to shut up and do nothing.  When he is ready he will come to me.  That part is hard for spouses and I understand why it is scary having someone you have known and loved for so long change completely and it is very hard to judge what they are going to do when they start doing things and acting in ways they never did before.  It can be almost terrifying waiting for them to come to you.  That was my problem at first.  When he came home he was so withdrawn that he didn't want to be near me and I was scared if I left him alone that he would never come back to me.  So I smothered him and made things harder on him.  It took counseling and marriage retreats and a lot of prayer to learn that what God plans will happen.  I had to trust that he loved me and he would eventually come to me like he always had before no matter how bad it hurt pushing him to want to be with me would only make it worse for both of us.  

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with PTSD and I still don't have all the answers and since his accident it has gotten worse.  I will be honest and say I screw up daily, I am learning his moods and his habits all over again now that the accident changed him yet again.  It is so hard watching someone you love fight within themselves to find happiness and knowing that there is nothing you can DO to help them is heart breaking.  So I figured I may not be able to make it better for him but I can be close by and love him no matter what he does or how hard it gets.  To me it isn't much but for them it is everything. 

No Rest for the Weary

It has been several weeks now since my husband's accident and things are not getting better.  I spoke previously about my husband's inability to sleep and how it has affected his PTSD.  So I titled this post "No Rest for the Weary." 

Upon my husband's return from Afghanistan he couldn't no matter how hard he tried get decent sleep.  Prior to the army and his deployment my husband would sleep 6 hours during the weekdays and on the weekends crash for 10-12 hours.  I used to get annoyed that he always slept the weekends away.  He was a deep sleeper on top of that.  I used to get frustrated because I would wake him up to ask him something get his answer then a few hours after he got up he would get mad at me for doing something without asking him.  He could carry on full conversations in his sleep and when he woke up he would be rested.  Now we are lucky if he gets 2 hours of sleep at night and 3 on the weekends.  His doctor prescribed a sleeping aide but we're lucky if it helps any.  No matter what tricks we try he still can't get proper rest. 


Lack of sleep and loss of sleep is very common when dealing with PTSD but it is hard for someone to understand just how difficult it is unless you live it.  I have been living with this since his return in 2011 and I can assure you that I have absolutely no idea how to be the perfect wife.  But no matter how hard it is for me, I can never imagine how hard it is for him.  What he goes through and how hard it is for him I will never understand and I would never pretend to.  The mistake I see a lot of spouses make is they try to be their spouse's shrink.  In fact at first I did the same thing.  I remember when he first came home I would try to analyze him and try to "fix" him.  I quickly learned that it was the best way to hurt the marriage and drive my spouse away.  While I spent my time trying to psychoanalyze him he was distancing himself hoping to get some peace.  It has been more than a year now and I have learned to be his friend, his Allie, his support, and his wife.  I learned to leave the analyzing to the doctors. 

It is important to understand that along with the lack of sleep comes severe mood changes.  I will be honest and say that these mood changes can drive you mad.  They start off mildly irritated but settle down fairly quickly from there they become more agitated and it takes a bit longer to settle down but they do calm down then it gets worse to where they are snapping and freaking out a majority of the time and just as soon as they settle down they freak out again.  It becomes difficult to handle as they are spending a majority of time yelling at everything and everyone.  It does get hard to not lash out at them but the more you lose it the more they stay agitated.  As hard as it is the best thing you can do is stay calm find something that calms you and rely on that. 

Just remember the moves you make will affect your soldier.  Everything you do or don't do affects them.  I understand that it is a lot to take in and most of us didn't sign up for this life but as a spouse it is important to put your soldier before yourself and do what is best for them.  That is why I am starting my non profit organization....I want to provide a place where spouses can come and let loose the stresses of this life.  A place where they can find peace and hope to be better for their spouse.  That is my goal and I hope that you will join me.

Frustrations

It has been awhile since my last post and sad to say things haven't improved much.  It has been over 5 weeks since my husband's accident and there has been little improvement.  With each day that he is home from work and suffering his moods continue to decline.  The PTSD was always noticeable before the accident but since then the moods and the attitudes have gotten worse.  Everyday is a different attitude and mood that I have to learn.  Before the accident I had started to figure out his moods and learn when to back off and when to try to help.  Now his moods are so sporadic and unstable that there is no learning the pattern.  One minute he is fine watching TV and the next he is very angry and yelling needlessly then as quickly as it started he calms down and apologizes for his outburst.  This happens several times a day making it difficult to judge the patterns and figure out how to respond. 

One of the things they tell you as the spouse of a PTSD soldier is to learn your soldiers moods and try to not react to every thing they do.  They teach you to learn and listen.  It is vital to the soldiers well being and the marriage for the spouse to learn when and how to react to the moods and attitudes of the soldier.  The spouse is to take mental note of the soldiers up and downs the point of this is to be able to recognize the warning signs for potential harm to themselves or others.  If the spouse does their part well they can easily recognize the potential hazards and help to keep the soldier from hurting themselves.  With that said there is no 100% guarantee that this will work all the time but it will help if the spouse is active in the soldiers recovery.  I myself have learned this first hand.  For the last year I have spent my days learning my husbands patterns and triggers.  I spent so much time learning the best ways to defuse a mood and to react and most important when to just shut up.  I will be the first to admit learning is easy but doing isn't.  I have learned but so many times failed to execute.  No matter how hard we try we are human and tend to react to our spouses moods whether intentional or not.  No body is perfect so from time to time we are going to react and make matters worse.  That has been my problem the last couple of weeks.  Like I mentioned before my husband's PTSD is getting worse and seems that nothing makes him happy right now.  My husband has always been a work horse and gives 100% at everything he does.  So for him to be laid up like this it makes his PTSD worse.  Being stuck at home unable to go to work messes with his head and that is a dangerous thing for a soldier with PTSD.  They need some sense of normalcy in order to keep them from going off the deep end.  So for him to not be in control of what is happening to him makes him crazy.  The worst thing that a soldier with PTSD can have happen if for them to lose control.  In order for them to sort of level out they need consistency and to be in control of their environment which is why when they go out in public they have to be seated in a place where they can see what is going on around them.  It is a comfort thing as well as a control thing. 

Another issue that we have faced since the accident is a more intense lack of sleep.  Like I mentioned before my husband hasn't slept well since his return from Afghanistan and now after the accident he sleeps even less.  His best nights sleep was a total of 2 hours 45 minutes.  The doctors have given him medication which does absolutely nothing for him.  Each night he goes without sleep his attitudes and moods continue to go downhill.  It makes it really hard to have a normal conversation with him when he is always on edge from the lack of sleep. 

Like I said every day is a challenge and sometimes it seems there is no end in sight but just one smile from him reminds me why I am here.  So my thought for tonight is to enjoy the good days they may be far and few between but when it gets tough remember that it can always get worse.  Be thankful for your spouses mild days and even though it is hard make sure you give them room to be who they need to be meaning don't get mad at them for freaking out or ruining a moment.  They can't help how they feel.  Whether or not they say so they do appreciate all you are doing even though they may not be able to vocalize it.  Your standing by them gives them the drive to go on.  Never forget that. 

Never Ending

As you have noticed I have been away for awhile.  It has been so difficult here and I haven't been able to find the time to write.  We're almost a month into my husband's recovery from his accident and I am starting to feel the stress of it. 

Life has been so very different since his return from Afghanistan and the diagnosis of PTSD,  I feel like I still don't have it all down yet.  Learning new behaviors and learning new ways to communicate is stressful and to be honest I still haven't mastered it.  I constantly find myself wishing I had done something or said something different to make things easier but then another bad day comes and once again I screw up and end up doing the shoulda, coulda game.  After months of learning by failure I am finally starting to get it right.  Well that is until the accident now here I am starting over.

With each day that goes by my husband gets more and more depressed and more and more irritable.  Every day is something new and though I see him trying he can't control it for long and then its like the flood gates open and he starts pouring out attitude and resentment toward his injuries.  Last week he started seeing the TBI clinic and they suggested he start taking something.  So the doctor prescribed him Elavil mostly to help with his headache but also to help with his moods.  I don't like medication that can alter moods but even I thought it was a good idea.  The downside is that the medication doesn't seem to be working for him as he has started getting more irritable and not even trying to control it.  For the last few weeks I have been operating on very little sleep and in a tremendous amount of pain just to take care of him and our children.  The added pressure has made it so difficult for me to be the wife I should be.  Today in fact was a good example of me losing it.  I was so crabby and found myself needlessly arguing with my husband over stuff that didn't matter.  It doesn't take much to get him rattled so my outbursts and frustrations were a fuse to an already explosive situation. 

As things are right now my husband hasn't been released back to work and I am not sure when he will be released so for now the best I can do is try. However I will be the first to say that saying I will try is easy but actually holding my tongue when my husband frustrates me is so much more difficult to follow through on.  Every day I have to wake up and remind myself that he can't help how he feels for years I begged him to understand that right or wrong feelings exist and they need to be respected.  God gave us all feelings and it is only right that we respect the feelings of those around us we don't have to agree or even like others feelings but we do need to listen and take to heart the feelings of our spouses.  It gets hard to do sometimes and the stresses of life tend to make us hard-hearted and bitter,  and honestly we as humans tend to be selfish by nature but if we were to take a few moments of our lives to see things from someones elses point of view maybe we wouldn't fight so much.  Imagine having a bunch of feelings and fears that you don't understand and mood swings that make you doubt yourself and no one to take your hand and let you know its going to be okay.  These men with PTSD are going through that; they have all these feelings and fears that they never used to have and mood swings that make them feel like they aren't real men and insane thoughts that we think less of them for it.  What they need from us is to give them the same respect and compassion that we demand of them. 

I know the pain that my husband is going through from this accident I have been there and to add to that the mood swings and issues of his PTSD its no wonder that he is easily agitated and annoyed.  So the best thing I can do for him is to sit back keep my mouth shut and lend a shoulder when he needs it. 

My request to all of you is to do the same as hard as it is and no matter how much you want to run away screaming from time to time think about the times that your spouse has been there for you and helped you through the ups and downs of your life and then try to meet your spouse half way.  Trust me it won't be a magical fix to your marriage but it will help. 

Depression

One of the hardest things a soldier with PTSD has to do is to admit he is suffering.  For my husband admitting weakness has always been hard more like virtually impossible for him.  Men have a hard time being vulnerable and when they suffer from PTSD it makes it even harder for them because they feel they are seen as weak and pathetic.  That is why so many of them refuse to get help. 

For the past two weeks my husband has been trying to recover from a MVA which took its toll on his body.  He has been miserable to say the least.  But the hardest part of his recovery is the battle over depression.  For the last week he has been getting increasingly depressed, crabby, easily angered, and easily annoyed.

Today he told me he has been having what he calls dark dreams and he finds himself depressed and moody.  For a man with PTSD those can be scary symptoms.  I know my husband and PTSD or not he isn't violent though you can never count it out that someday they could be.  The point of this post is to talk about how easy it is for a soldier with PTSD to get depressed.

Back in the beginning of the blog I gave a detailed listing of symptoms and depression is one of them.  Every human is capable of being depressed and some will battle it their whole life.  I have met a few soldiers with PTSD and found that they have at some point shortly after being diagnosed with PTSD had depression.  The ones I know do a fairly good job of handling the depression and finding ways to battle it without having to give in to it.   For the most part they are happy as they can be but they have all told me that it is far too easy for the them to get depressed.  They have also told me that they stay busy to avoid depression so what happens when one gets laid up and they can't live their life like normal?  We as humans like to be on the move, we jump head first into projects to avoid living an empty life and when we start to feel down most of us search for things to do.  Most of us end up feeling depressed when we get laid up.  I know that when I am hurt and unable to do anything I get depressed easily and quite moody.  Imagine how you are when you are sick or injured and you can't do the things you like to do.  How do you react?  Do you get depressed?  Now try to imagine how a soldier with PTSD feels.  These men spend their time doing everything they can to "make the PTSD go away", they jump into work, projects, and hobbies.  So imagine the reaction when they get hurt and are forced to spend long periods of time laid up, with nothing else to do but think.  That can be dangerous for them. 

This last week or so I have been trying to find things to take his mind off of his being laid up.  What works the most for him is watching TV shows he's never seen before.  I have learned the best thing you can do is not make it a psychology session.  That means don't start asking them a bunch of questions.  Back when I took classes about PTSD the instructor told us never ask them to talk, let them come to you and practice silence.  If anything I say in these posts is helpful let it be that.  Forcing them to talk or constantly questioning them makes things worse for them.  The best thing you can do is just be a shoulder let them come to you.  It is the hardest thing to do especially since we are by nature curious but I learned right away to wait for him to talk.  As time goes by he tells me more and more.  Now he is to the point where he tells me how he is feeling.  Six months ago he would never have done that.  For the first four months after he came home he wouldn't even talk about his time in Afghanistan now he is starting to tell me his stories. 

Depression is a part of life and most of us can make it through life without losing the battle; those with PTSD aren't so lucky.  The last thing any of us should do is play psychologist to our soldier.  They are going to have good days but unfortunately they will also have bad days just remember the best thing you can do is be there for them, quietly!  Sit by their side, be their friend, hold their hand whatever they need but let them talk when they are ready.  No matter how hard it is remember don't ask questions they will come to you when they feel they can trust you.  

Finally the most important part if you feel that they are not responding to you and they are getting worse DON'T be afraid to get them some help.  So many incidents can be avoided if those closest to the soldier pay attention to the warning signs. 

Helpless

One thing I am understanding more and more is that no matter how much I learn or how much I live it I can never make the PTSD go away for my husband.  Like I mentioned in previous posts my husband has never handled time away from work very well.  Like any person he loves vacation time but anything beyond that he tends to get moody and depressive.  Now here he is two weeks off of work and though he knows he isn't ready to go back he is starting to feel the sadness and depression set in.  Imagine that added to the PTSD that already messes with his emotions. 

This accident seems to have intensified his PTSD symptoms.  Before the accident he suffered from lack of sleep, mood swings, and depression.  Since the accident his sleeping has gotten worse to the point where he doesn't want to go to bed for fear of laying awake in bed.  His moods have gotten more aggressive in the sense that he yells then his head starts throbbing and pulsating at the same time making him regret using his voice.  Just tonight he told me that he is starting to feel depressed.  He is having a hard time dealing with what is happening to him.  He knows his body is no where near ready to return to the job but he still can't help feeling depressed. 

The worst part about this is that there is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to make him feel better.  I can tell him I understand, I can sit and hold his hand, and I can hold him but it doesn't change how he feels.  That is the hard part about PTSD; knowing that sometimes there is nothing you can do.  There is no worse feeling as a spouse then to know that you can't fix this for them.  The best you can do is stay close by and let them know you are there for them. 

So tonight I find myself sadden because the man I pledged before God and friends to love is having a hard time dealing with everything and there is nothing I can do to make it better.  All the classes and the information on PTSD doesn't prepare you for the feeling of helplessness that you get when you watch them suffer and you can't do anything about it.  I know this sounds depressing and you may wonder if it is all that bad why bother but I tell you that on their good days everything you go through is worth it to see them smile just once. 

I guess my advice tonight is for myself and that advice is to hang on, be patient, and know that soon he will find his way through and smile again.  No matter how dark it may seem the old cliche is right "the sun will come out tomorrow". 

Bewitched

Tonight I was watching Charmed with my husband and there was one episode where the lead character referenced the show Bewitched and how Samantha would twitch her nose to make things happen.  I found myself focused on this wishing that I could possess that ability. 

As you know my husband was in a horrible accident and suffered a concussion as well as unknown injuries.  He is currently on a 10 day Con leave from the army.  I have been with this man for 15 years and he has never done well with extensive time off and he is a bit hard to handle when he is sick so imagine how difficult it would be to have him home from work and laid up.  For the last several days his attitude has been increasingly worse and hard to handle. 

It has been almost two weeks since his accident now and though his head is getting a little bit better his back and neck are getting worse.  He has the worst time getting comfortable and he can't sleep very well.  We have tried everything and finally had to resort to giving him melatonin to help him sleep.  Now he is finally getting some sleep though he is waking up in so much pain that he can barely walk.  He gets weak and tired easily.  Just yesterday the insurance company settled the truck with us and so I had to have him go with me to the bank since the check was in his name.  All he had to do was ride to the bank with me and then come home.  Not more than 5 minutes outside the house he started getting nauseous and his head started hurting.  I gave him some meds to help him fight the nausea which helped only a bit but his back began to bother him more than usual.  The whole trip he was miserable and crabby, nothing I did was right.  He spent most of the trip hurling insults at me making me feel like crap. 

I know he's miserable and having gone through what he's been through I understand how hard it is.  He once told me that when I get overly sore I tend to be a "b***h" to everyone around and show a lack of care for those around me.  Now he is doing the same.  He just reacts without thinking and though I know how he feels those around him like our children don't understand.  He has always had a high tolerence for pain which amazed me.  He could get hurt and still work.  His pain level is not like most people.  What would be a level 6 or 7 for most is a 3 or 4 for him.  Now that he has been in the accident and I see how bad he hurts I can't help but wonder what his pain is really at.  If he has always tolerated pain well  but now he can't get comfortable does that mean he is having a level 10 pain and if so what would that be for someone like me?  So knowing this I tend to let him get away with his attitude problems. 

The down side to all of this is that like I mentioned before; with his PTSD he has mood swings and can be difficult to be around sometimes.  Now that he is in a large amount of pain and unable to go to  work he is even more irritable than before.  So mixing his PTSD with his new anger has made the last week challenging to say the least.  I find myself getting angry but then I remember that he can't help it and I am forced to put aside my own frustrations and do what I can to make his day a bit better. 

In the beginning of this post I referenced Samantha from Bewitched and how if I could I would twitch away his pain and make things better for him, but since I can't I am finding ways to make things easier.  I will however be honest and say that the army sometimes doesn't seem to make that an easy task.  Last week he went to see his PCM and she gave him 10 days of Con Leave.  I was frustrated and annoyed, anyone who have practiced medicine or been in an accident knows that something that severe doesn't heal in 10 days.  So now we have to go back this week to get more time off for him.  The man can barely get dressed on his own without needing a nap and yet his PCM thinks he should be heading back to work.  All of this and they still haven't done an MRI to determine how bad his spine is.  After the accident they postponed his orders to Korea for 30 days and while I appreciate that I know that he won't be ready.  I have been through a major accident and still suffer from the pain.  I know that my T-bone was nothing compared to his 22 ft drop off a cliff and rolling his vehicle.  All I can think is if my body was that messed up from a simple accident how bad is his after rolling his truck and falling off a cliff?  Just the other day he told me he needed a shower he couldn't stand feeling dirty so I helped him get into the shower and about 10 minutes later he came out staggering to the couch and laid down.  He told me he was so exhausted he needed a nap.  Just taking a shower took all the energy he had away.   Here is a man who can't stand feeling helpless and he can't eve do the simple things that people tend to take for granted.  What worries me the most is that he is moving from the living room to the bedroom and yet they haven't done the MRI to figure out how bad he is hurt.  Which leaves me with the question of how can he be ready to head to Korea if they don't know the extent of his injuries?   I do need to clarify that his company has been great and so my complaint tonight is not directed toward them but toward the PCM that he has to see.  When we were there last week he had virtually no range of motion and call me crazy but a truck driver needs to be able to move freely something he hasn't achieved yet. 

Now my purpose of tonight's post isn't to rag on the army or to complain but to say that if I could I would change how they see things.  Samantha could twitch her nose and fix things and if I could I would twitch my nose and make things easier on my husband.  I know how it feels to be in overwhelming pain and have people act like your the one that is crazy.  Part of me wonders if they are trying to overlook the pain and the injuries because they need him to go to Korea.  I am sure that I am overreacting but I see a man who at this point is finding it hard to smile, who spends most of his day trying to find a comfortable position to sit in, who has to rely on his wife and children to get him a drink, and who watches his wife do things that tire me out just to help him; and I think to myself why can't I just twitch my nose and change everything?  It's moments like this that make the PTSD harder for him.  He already feels like he isn't doing his part because of the injuries and now because of the PTSD his head is telling him that he is pathetic. 

I guess my point for tonight is to be patient I have said it before but I will say it again, have patience with your soldier.  The PTSD will never go away but with help they can learn to live with it and have some semblance of a normal life.  It takes a lot for you as the spouse to deal with their behaviors and moods on a daily basis and patience along with a lot of prayer can help you get through but if they end up adding another traumatic event to the existing PTSD you will wish you to could just twitch your nose.  That is why it is best to start practicing patience now so that if it does happen to you, you can face it better.  I am not good with patience and I won't pretend to be so it makes day to day life more challenging because I am constantly having to step back or walk away until I calm down so I don't freak out on him for something he can't control.  If I had learned patience before instead of attacking him I wouldn't be making him feel like less of a man because he can't help what he is going through now.  I hope that tonight's post helps some of you and I do apologize for the delay in posting.  Right now my focus has to be on my husband and I am sure you all understand that, but I will do my best to keep my posts updated. 

Just Another Day

In previous posts I mentioned the auto accident my husband was in.  The last week has been nothing but recovery and waiting.  I have posted before how hard it can be to live with someone who has PTSD and how each day can be trying.  I have learned a lot in the last few days just how trying each day can be. 

Since my husband returned from Afghanistan his attitude has been so hot and cold.  He can be fine one minute and a huge jerk the next.  I have learned to recognize these moods to help alleviate any stress in the family.  I try to remain quiet when he decides to freak out about nothing but I will tell you it has been so hard to remain quiet this last week. 

Most of the last week my husband has been in and out of it.  Meaning that he has had few moments where he has been alert and coherent.  I have tried to let him rest as much as possible not just for his benefit but for mine as well.  The reason for that is simple when he has been awake he has been demanding, short tempered, and crabby.  I have made comments in past posts about his need to be right all the time but this last week has been challenging to say the least.  Lets start with our trips to the doctor and the hospital.  My husband has always thrown in my face that he is a better driver.  He insists that I could never in my life drive as well as he does.  So imagine how it feels when he is partially coherent and can't even keep his eyes open yet he is sitting in the passengers seat telling me that I need to stop swerving and stay in my lane.  I tried several times to tell him that I was driving just fine yet he refused to listen.  In fact he just got more adamant and rude telling me he should drive.  This has been happening every time we get into the car.  It takes so much strength and self control to not lose my cool on him.  I just remind myself that he can't help it. 

Along with his need to dissect my driving he has been in a foul mood overall.  Now I expect this to an extent since he was in a horrible accident but this goes beyond that.  My husband has always been a worker he can't stand being home for no reason.  So having to be on bed rest he tends to get very cranky.  For the last week he has been so difficult to deal with.  Every time I try to do something for him he gets crabby and yells at me. 

When someone has gone through something as traumatic as my husband has you can make excuses as to their behaviors because you understand what they are going through, but what has me the most concerned is that in addition to his PTSD from the last year he seems to be suffering an added PTSD from the accident.  He tends to have reactions to riding not only does he yell at me, he gets sick to his stomach, his head aches flare up and he can't sit still.  He gets very uneasy in the car now.  Not only that but he has told me that his lack of sleep has gotten worse and it takes medication to get him to sleep and that only works part of the time.  When he does sleep he has very weird dreams making it hard for him to get any decent rest. 

Today we went to see his PCM to find out what all is wrong with him and I told her how concerned I am about his PTSD and what this accident has done to it.  She agreed that something like that can cause more trauma and added stress to his PTSD; it will just be a matter of time to see exactly how much worse he is going to be.  All of this and we still don't know the full extent of his injuries. 

My point in telling you all this is two fold.  The first is that most anything can make PTSD worse.  Never just assume that the way they are now is how they are going to stay.  In this world there can be any number of things that can make their PTSD worse and more difficult for us as spouses to understand.  The second is to let you know that there may be breaks in how often I post, until things settle down I may be sporadic in my posts.  My first priority is to take care of my soldier. 

Thanks for your patience and for all the prayers for my husband and our family. 

Delay in Posts PT 2

In my last post I left off with us heading to the hospital yet again.  So here we go with the second half...

After the ambulance left with my husband I got the kids settled and headed to the hospital I left about 15 minutes after they did and yet when I got to the hospital I went to the window to ask what room he was in and they told me he wasn't there.  For the next 15 minutes I spoke with the attendant telling them I knew they brought him there, to which she asked me if he was brought in as a drug overdose.  I couldn't believe what she was asking.  I didn't even bother to answer nice on that I told her in the most blunt yet forceful terms that he under no circumstances came in as a drug overdose.  So yet again I was stuck waiting to get some information so I could go see my husband who was barely conscious.  Finally she calls me up and says that he had been brought in as a drug overdose and I could now go back to see him.  I was furious and couldn't figure out what idiot would assume that seeing as how the EMT in charge was the same one who responded to the call on Monday the day of the accident.  The EMT hismself told me he was the first responder to the original accident so he knew the injuries yet somehow after telling that to me he puts on the paperwork that he was a drug overdose.  So finally I was told I could go back to see him.  When I got back to his room a nurse was in there treating him like crap drawing tubes of blood for a drug test and the whole time she was in the room she was rude and disrespectful to him as if he was a drug addict. 

For the next two hours they left him there to suffer and did nothing to help him.  They kept coming in telling us they knew about his pain and they would do what they could but then they would leave and let him suffer.  It took 3 hours before they finally gave him something.  During that time his pulse was all over the place, his pulse ox was dropping into the lowers 80's and he was out of it.  The doctor came in and told us they were going to do another CT scan and go from there.  By now I was angry; after a massive accident to which he rolled his truck they sent him home and now they were repeating the same exact test they did the day of.  Everyone knows that CT is not the scan to use for back and neck injuries MRI's are best for seeing the damages done to spine and neck.  So I tell them they need to do one, but they tell me they want to wait for the swelling to go down.  I looked at them like they were idiots.  They wanted to wait for however long for the swelling to go down and let him walk around with unknown spinal injuries.....can u say lawsuit?  Moving on though finally they come in and tell me that they stand by their original diagnosis that he has a severe concussion and since he fell and took a new hit to the head they were worried that he could suffer a TBI if he were to get another hit to the head.  Then once again they wanted to send him home.  This time I threw a bit of a fit and told them that he can barely walk he is severely dizzy all the time and can't stand on his own, they need to admit him for a night or two.  By this time his 1SG was there and was also asking that my husband be admitted.  Even the nurse agreed with us that it would be better for him.  After about two more hours the doctor came back in and finally told us that he ran his decision to admit my husband by the head of the trauma department and the head of the department said since he wasn't critical the answer was no.  So here we were on our way home yet again.  This time though they gave me some meds that help him sleep. 

It has been almost a week and his headache hasn't subsided, his vision is blurry, and he can't stand up without getting dizzy.  In addition to that he is suffering severe back pain, shoulder pain, and neck pain.  He can only sleep if I give him his meds otherwise he lays awake trying to get comfortable. 

His first appointment with his PCM is on Monday and I am concerned about what they are going to do for him.  I have had very little help from the medical staff here so far.  I have had people tell me that the army only cares about getting him back to work, so far from what I have seen on the medical side that seems right however on the other side the soldiers in his company seem to only care about his health and him getting better.  I just want them to find out what is wrong with him so we can decide where to go from here. 

Comments

It has come to my attention that some have read my blog and wanted to leave comments.  I have now fixed it to where you can leave comments for me.  I do however maintain the right to not allow comments that put others down or make people feel bad about themselves.  I do welcome comments or thoughts and I would love to hear others stories as well.  So please feel free to leave comments and thoughts. 

I also have decided on the name for my support group I have decided to go with Spouses of PTSD Soldiers or SOPS.  If you have any ideas for better names I would love to hear them. 

Delay in Posts

It has been several days since my last post and I feel bad.  I started this blog to discuss the ups and downs of living with PTSD and I haven't posted in a while so tonight I will explain.  So sit back and enjoy because this story is so absurd it can only be true.

Monday morning I was sleeping in and was awaken by my cell phone ringing.  I usually check the number and if its local I answer it in case its important so I see its local and of course I answer it.  The voice on the other end identifies himself as a Colorado State Trooper.  I went from barely awake to eyes bugged out and wide open.  He begins to tell me that by now the hospital should have called me, to which I can only reply with "what are you talking about why would the hospital call me?"  His reply is that the hospital was suppose to call me and then call the army.  Yet he still hasn't told me why.  By now I am starting to freak out and he finally says "Ma'am you husband was in a wreck this morning.  Now don't freak out he is okay but by the looks of the truck its a miracle he's alive."  If I hadn't been so freaked I would have told him his bedside manner sucked.  He then went on to tell me that the best he could figure is that my husband fell asleep at the wheel and crashed.  I told him I couldn't believe that; he was heading to PT there is no way he fell asleep.  But he had made up his mind and told me that he was asleep however in the next sentence he admitted that my husband was so incoherent that he couldn't even say his own name.  So there is no way for the trooper to know that he was or wasn't asleep.  Anyway moving on.

I quickly threw some clothes on and ran out the door.  I made great time getting to the hospital and found him in the Resuscitation unit barely awake and miserable.  He had blood on his head.  He had a huge lump next to the cut.  He was on the verge of throwing up and he couldn't stand up. He was so miserable and I felt so bad for him.  They told me that they did CT scans on his body and found nothing wrong with him.  So they felt he could go home.  They put him in a wheel chair and took him out to my car.  He was in immense pain and super sensitive to light and sound on the ride home.  They diagnosed him with a concussion and told me to keep an eye on him.  On the way to the post hospital to fill his pain pills his 1SG called me and told me to take him to the post ER to be re-evaluated in the event that the civilian hospital missed something.  So I took him to Evans and they got him back right away.  The doctor comes in and asks me why I brought him in after he just got out of another hospital.  I told them that I was told he needed to be seen by army doctors.  They then took his blood pressure and his heart rate and told me that they agree with the other hospital and sent him home.  I got him home and as the day went on he got worse he couldn't eat, he couldn't handle anyone talking, and the natural sunlight was killing his head.  I followed instructions to wake him up and keep checking on him while running errands, talking to his commanders, and taking care of the kids.  I was exhuasted but he needed me.  The next day he got worse he couldn't stand up on his own and he still couldn't keep food down.  He was in severe pain and his head was killing him.  So according to directions I took him back to the hospital. 

This time I took him to Evans as requested by his company.  He wouldn't let me take him by ambulance so I drove him.  When I got there I told them his symptoms that he was severely dizzy, couldn't keep anything down, his head was hurting so bad it felt like it was going to explode, and he could barely walk.  After all that they still told him to sit and wait to get called back.  We waited in the waiting room for 3 hours the whole time he was getting worse and worse.  I went up several times and yelled at them for treating him this way and finally after 3 1/2 hours they took him back to a room.  They got him into a bed and settled down. The doctor came in and explained the treatment plan for the night.  They took him down for an x-ray which every one knows doesn't show tissue or disc damage.  After x-rays were done and he was back in his room they started pumping pain meds into his IV.  The down side is that the pain meds were calming the back pain a bit but adding a bunch of pressure to his already throbbing head.  So they had no choice but to stop giving him the pain meds.  One would think that they would try something else but nope they actually told us that "soldiers will do anything to get out of PT".  I was getting so angry that they were treating him like a dirt bag.  He was in pain, his hands were twitching uncontrollably, and he couldn't handle light or noise and the doctor comes in laughs it off and says "your going to be feeling bad for a bit."  He didn't try to do anything else to help him.  In fact he admitted to us that the x-ray was just to look for broken vertebrae.  He tells us that without a MRI they wouldn't know if there was anything wrong but they want to wait for the swelling to go down before they do one.  Then once again they discharged him this time though they said he had not just a concussion but a severe concussion and once again told me to keep an eye on him.  By now I haven't slept and I was so over tired but I still had to get him home and into the house by myself and he can barely walk.

I finally got him to bed at 3 am and then got myself ready.  They next morning which was Wednesday I woke up fairly early to hear him pseudo whimpering in pain.  I did what I could to get him comfortable.  I told him though he was fairly incoherent that I had an appointment that I couldn't miss so I had to leave I would leave our son home if he needed a drink or something but I wouldn't be gone for long.  I told him to just rest I would be back soon.  I gave my son instructions on how to take care of his father for the short time I was going to be gone.  I hadn't been gone for more than 30 minutes when my cell phone starts ringing; on the other end is the fire chief telling me that my husband had tried to get up to walk and fell down.  Our son found him on the floor in the living room.  He was barely conscious when the EM T's got there.  So once again we were on our way to the hospital.

What happened next was so frustrating...... But it is late so you will have to check in tomorrow for the rest!!!

Same Yet Totally Different Man

Throughout the last several posts I have touched on the various subjects that I have faced being the wife of a solider with PTSD, but to be honest I still have a very hard time adjusting to this new man in our home.  For people that knew him before they would think I was lying about the new behaviors he has exhibited.  They could never imagine him acting this way. 

When I met my husband he was 17 and a senior in high school.  I had just graduated and was looking for an adventure and a guy to sweep me off my feet.  I had just moved to Des Moines, Iowa to be with my biological mother.  Shortly after arriving there I attended a wedding with them at a local hotel where I caught my first glimpse of him.  He was working as a handy man for the hotel doing various tasks throughout the night.  He flirted with me and I with him.  I had a very low self esteem so I figured there was no way he would ever go out with me but I gave him my number anyway.  A couple days later I decided to join my mom and my new dad on a semi run to California.  I drove them crazy because I couldn't stop talking about this awesome new guy and how much I was hoping he would call.  A week or so later we returned from the run and sure enough he had left me a message asking me out.  You may ask yourself why I am telling you all this....the answer is to give you an idea of who my husband was before the PTSD.  Anyway moving on.  That night I called him back and asked if he wanted to get together.  Of course he accepted and next thing you knew we were dating.  From that moment on we were inseparable.  A few short months after we started dating we decided to move in together while he finished high school.  Right before his graduation he proposed to me and I said yes (obviously).  We decided to get married on our one year dating anniversary that way we would only have to remember one anniversary the rest of our lives.  During our enagagement he spent a lot of time with a pastor who worked nights at the hotel and the pastor would use that time to witness to him telling him about God.  So one night he came home and asked me to help him give his life to Christ.  Now my adoptive parents were very cultic with their beliefs and made my life miserable telling me no matter what I did it wasn't good enough for God, so you can imagine that I wasn't thrilled about his new choice in life.

Shortly after his conversion I found out I was pregnant.  Of course this led his family to believe that was the only reason he was marrying me.  However three days after our wedding I miscarried our little girl.  After that I became obsessed with getting pregnant again and he just continued to be his amazing self.  We decided to move to Duluth, MN in order to build our marriage but shortly after getting there he met up with some people I knew from my childhood and he started attending their church.  Things got difficult for us as he got further into Christainity and I did everything I could to try and pull him away.  As most people tend to do he went off the deep end becomig very strict and legalistic.  After the birth of our daughter he "felt" called to become a pastor so we moved back to Des Moines for a short time to better our living situation for our new child.  It was my mom that gave us the idea to try becoming truck drivers so we could make good money for our child.  When our daughter reached a year old we sent her to stay with my mom while my husband and I went off to truck driving school.  We spent the next four months learning how to drive and getting started.  On our graduation from the trucking academy I ended up getting pregnant with our son.  So my husband became a solo driver and spent many weeks away from home.  It hurt our marriage and almost ended us when I found out he had extra cirricular activities with a woman while he was away.  But he told me he didn't believe in divorce and that it was against God.  We then attended marriage counseling to heal our marriage and next thing you know he told me God told him to go back to school to become a pastor, it was finally time.  Without hesitation we packed the family up and moved to Missouri where he started Central Bible College.  He got further into the church and I got more and more resentful.  I was close to finishing nursing school myself when I was hit by a careless driver ruining the rest of my life.  While I was freaking out and getting angry at God; my husband kept begging me to go to church with him and ask God to fix things.  He kept telling me that God had a plan for me and he would take care of us.  I was so angry and frustrated with him.

It wasn't long after the accident that we moved back to Des Moines.  My husband immediately joined the church there and started doing interviews to work as an assistant pastor.  He was still driving truck during the week and on weekends he would work at the local church.  During that time he told me how much he wanted to join the army how it was a dream of his and he couldn't shake the desire to join.  Finding a permanent job at the churches was hard and it was depressing him so together we went to the recruiters office.  They did their speech and before you know it he was signing the papers.

The point in all that was to show how he was before the army.  He was a family man, a Godly man, he loved to joke and laugh, he loved going on dates with me and he was a devoted husband who would do anything to make his marriage last.  He always told me that our lives were designed to be God, marriage, family, then church.  He lived his life that way making the kids and I the most important part of his life. 

I came from a screwed up home so when  I used to get angry I would threaten divorce and he would tell me to stop using that word it wasn't allowed in our home because once married you were married for life.  He considered the word divorce to be a curse word and it would anger him deeply when I would say it.

His return from Afghanistan brought home a whole new person.  When he came home for his R&R he was slightly different but still my husband and it didn't take long for him to adjust to being home.  But like I said before it was right before he came home for good that everything changed.  Now the man I share my life with is almost a stranger.   I would ask him to go on dates with me to which he would say no or it would seem like a burden.  It seemed like a chore for him to spend time with me.  He grew distant and next thing I knew HE was talking about divorce saying maybe God didn't bring us together after all.  I can still remember that day and how my heart broke.  When we first got married I had low self esteem and I told him I was terrified that he would some day leave me for someone better.  He always told me I needed to get over that because he was there for life.  Now here he was telling me that my deepest fears may happen.  I couldn't believe it.  For the next several months I was afraid to be happy because I never knew if he was going to bail on me. 

Aside from the divorce talk and the anger issues he lost his faith in God.  I started reading my Bible a few months ago and tried to get our family back into church.  He went but I could tell he was trying to appease me.  His heart wasn't in it.  I would ask him when he last prayed and he would tell me he didn't see a point in it.  He couldn't remember the last time he prayed!  In fact a couple of weeks ago we were talking about God and he flat out told me he didn't care he just went for the kids.  I knew things were bad but I never in a million years thought he would lose who he was. 

What scares me the most is all of his fundamental beliefs have changed or gotten lost in his head and I am worried that the few he did  have left are dying as well.  Let me try to explain that better.  He was always emotionally tough and could compartmentalize his issues in order to do his job and take care of the family.  Things like suicide or divorce or giving up on God were foreign to him.  He hated when people would use those things as a way out but now here he is doing the same.  He made a joke the other day about dying and it scared me to think he may actually not be joking.  Now before you worry I do know the warning signs and what to look for and pay attention to and he hasn't shown any of the signs but he lost his drive for the future he doesn't see himself living to old age.  That scares me. 

So my thought for tonight is to watch carefully.  Always be on alert because everything and every behavior is really a symptom and if they get worse it is up to you to get them help.  They may fight and may get angry with you but much like any other illness if the symptoms get worse you need to be the one to get them help.  I have heard far too many sad stories about soldiers whose families didn't see the warning signs and the soldier either killed himself or someone else.  I have done all I can to educate myself and I pay attention daily to his behaviors to make sure I am there to help him.  And I can bet I still don't know anywhere near enough.  There is so much to learn.   As a spouse there is nothing more important than that.   I hope my story tonight has helped someone and I hope that we can find a way to help these men so we don't have to lose anymore soldiers to PTSD.  If you get nothing else out of my posts please take away this one thing.....you can never be too well educated on this disease.  Study all you can learn as much as possible so you can help your spouse. 

Sleep Patterns

One major change my husband has had since his return from Afghanistan is his sleep patterns.  I know I touched on this before but I want to go a bit more in depth tonight.  My husband has always been a hard worker.  For most of our lives he has worked 14 to 20 hour days.  Now that may sound like an exaggeration but I assure you its not.  Since we got married he has either worked two jobs or he drove for Sysco foods.  The long hours and hard work made sleep easy for him.  He could sit on the couch watching TV and next thing you know he was out cold snoring.  He made an art form of getting two or three hours of sleep and then working another 18 hour day.  He would go to bed at night and on his days off it would take hours for me to fully wake him up.  I could try everything from bringing fresh made cinnamon rolls to him to enticing him sexually and he still wouldn't wake up.  All that changed with his return from Afghanistan. 

When he first came home he would stay up most of the night and then report for formation.  He would come home for lunch and collapse.  He would take a short hour nap head back to work and stay up again most of the night.  When he started seeing his therapist they gave him some sleeping pills to help him finally get to sleep.  I thought finally he would get some sleep but they didn't help.  He would follow directions take them like required but at 3 or 4am he would wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.  So frustrated he stopped taking them.  As the months drug on he still didn't sleep much.  He was staying up until 3am sometimes later and then leaving for work about 6.  The longer he went without sleep the more his demeanor changed and the harder it was to talk to him. 

It wasn't just his ability to sleep that changed it was the way he slept that changed.  He used to go to sleep in one position and stay that way the whole night.  He barely moved making it so much easier for me to sleep since I toss and turn all the time.  When he came home he was a different man.  Like I mentioned before since his return I have suffered bruises and bloody noses.  He now thrashes and flops back and forth in his sleep,and I kid you not he has even marched in his sleep.  He has become a violent sleeper.  I have learned one thing when sleeping with him stay away from his arms and always stay up by his face to wake him up.  I learned to be gentle and carefully urge him to wake instead of shaking him or touching him.    

It has been almost a year to the day that he came home and while he is sleeping better he has never gone back to his usual habits.  He has good nights where he seems to sleep peacefully and then he has nights where he can't lay still.  I have learned the difference between his good nights and his bad ones.  A good night for him includes snoring.  On the nights that he snores (which happens maybe once a month) those are the good ones.  His moods the next day are better and his overall attitude is better.  His bad nights can range from frequent tossing to him asking me every time I move what is happening.  I swear there is nothing more frustrating than trying to sleep and every time you move someone questions you. 

For each person with PTSD the sleeping patterns are different, and it may take awhile to learn them.  I offer this advice to you....always be gentle and never wake them standing below the waist.  Before my husband came home our friend that was staying with us also had PTSD and most mornings I would wake him up.  I learned fast to stay above his waist when waking him up. The one and only time I tried to wake him up by touching his leg he kicked and jumped knocking me backward.  You see these men are used to sleeping in the field with their hands close to or holding their weapons.  Any touch is suppose to alert them to danger.  The other advice I have is to be gentle do NOT shake them.  Several soldiers sleep with some sort of weapon under their pillow most of the time it is a knife.  The point is if you shake them their instinct is to grab the knife and start swinging.  The same goes if there is no weapon they will just start swinging with their fists. 

I know that this all seems insane or frustrating but lets be honest each of us has our flaws most of them we could change over time, but they can't change the PTSD.  In my opinion the best thing you can do to make life easier on them is to learn as much as you can about what they are going through including what it takes to give them a good nights rest.  My husband always says its the little things that count.  Learning their patterns and what does or doesn't work for them are the little things that can make their life a bit better.  Learning these things shows them you care.  And while it won't take away the frustration of the PTSD it will help them to not feel so self conscious about it. 

Not All Bad

In the last few posts I have written about the various behaviors that can make a marriage difficult and while they are important I want to touch on the lighter side of things.  As I mentioned before there are a lot of different behaviors that a soldier with PTSD can exhibit one of the less frustrating is the paranoia.  Don't get me wrong paranoia can cause problems for them but there are times where it can also be funny.  Before you think I am mean or lacking respect let me explain what I mean.

Not all days are bad days believe it or not my husband has days where he laughs and things seem almost normal.  It's during those times that the paranoia is funny.  Last night my husband went to bed before I did so I said good night made sure he was happy then went to the living room with our puppy to watch my movie.  After the movie ended at about 2am I also went to bed.  Well before I could get into bed I had to make sure the puppy was in the house.  He likes to sleep under the bed that is when he isn't outside.  Anyway I had to make sure he was under the bed so I didn't lock him out.  For some strange reason at that moment my husband pseudo woke up and asked me what was going on.  For those of you that don't know my husband can carry on an intelligent conversation while completely asleep.  I told him nothing was going on to just chill and go back to sleep.  That is where the paranoia kicked in because for the next 20 minutes he went on about how I was plotting on him and how I stuck a Hex under our bed to curse him.  You should know he was watching a charmed marathon a few hours before he went to bed.  Anyway no matter what I did or how I tried to calm him he insisted that I was in fact plotting to destroy him.  After a bit of whining and calling me an evil witch he finally fell asleep.  I felt bad for him that he really thought like that but at the same time I couldn't help but laugh at this silly idea he had in his head.

This morning I asked him if he remembered last night to which he gave a sad reply.  He told me that while he said to me he thought I placed a hex there in his mind he truly thought I had placed an IED under his bed.  He told me that in his mind he couldn't shake that I had placed an IED there to destroy him.  After hearing that it makes the night before less funny and actually sad.  That is until I told him everything he had said to me and the reaction he gave me.  Once I told him what actually happened he laughed too knowing that I wasn't laughing at him but with him.

You see not all days are bad.  While there are moments throughout the day that remind us the PTSD is still there, there are also moments that we can laugh and realize that its not all bad.  For brief moments we see our old spouse shine through and its in those little moments that we remember what we are here for.  

I'm Sorry

Since my husbands return from Afghanistan I have heard those words more times than I can count.  It seems that those words are uttered several times a day.  After awhile it gets hard to believe those words when they become a common phrase.  I have been told I should be grateful that my husband thinks to say he's sorry but when the hurt piles up "I'm Sorry" just doesn't seem to help it go away. 

A few weeks ago my husband and I went out together to run errands.  Now as anyone can say errands are not the best part of the day but nonetheless we have to do them anyway.  It started off great we were happy and joking then like the flip of a switch one thing I said set him off and instant fighting.  After about a half hour he realized he over reacted and he said he was sorry.  I let it go to avoid another fight but during the ride to our next errand one thing or another was said and yet again he got angry and lashed out at me.  Then what do you know "I'm Sorry", was said again.  With each time I found it harder to let it go and I started to grow resentful and angry myself.  It was our last errand of the day and at this point he was being loud and rude to me in the middle of the store embarrassing me and making me angry.  I started to lose my cool with him but remembered what my marriage therapist said about changing me and making him realize his own faults, so I just told him I wouldn't allow him to treat me that way and I stopped listening and talking to him.  Once we got out to the car he once again uttered the words I'm sorry.  Now as any person knows when you severely angry and hurt you have a hard time calming down.  Well apparently I didn't forgive him fast enough and he freaked out at me.  He started yelling at me making himself the victim and trying to throw the blame on me.  Even though I was the one that was wronged I found myself apologizing to him and trying to explain myself.  Sometimes I feel like a battered wife, I know he would never purposely hurt me so I do my best to not take it personally. 

This is just one of many times he has acted this way.  I know its not his fault and he doesn't mean to do it but let me be honest to say it hurts, it hurts bad and I just wish he could go back to his old self.  I saw it best said on Facebook, it said "Stupid PTSD....Some of us want a new house....a new car.....a new Iphone......a new TV....to lose weight...But someone battling PTSD wants just one thing.....to win the battle." 

As much as it hurts to have him treat me bad some times I know it hurts him more to not be able to control the PTSD.  So please remember as much as it hurts us it hurts them more and the best thing we can do is put our own hurts aside and try to help them through this. 

Anger Issues

As every woman knows in a marriage there is going to be moments of anger.  Some are easier to deal with then others.  When I first decided to marry my husband we went through marriage counseling we covered all topics including anger.  During that session we discussed our anger levels and what it took to get to the highest level.  He used to have so many levels before he got to his "blow the gasket level".  All that changed when he came home from Afghanistan.  During the time that he was thinking about calling it quits we went to a military sponsored couples retreat.  One of our subjects was anger management and communication.  They had us do the same thing as our pre-marriage counseling session.  I was shocked to see how much he had changed his new scale went from mildly upset to blow his gasket.  All the in between levels were gone.

After his return home the simplest things set him off.  Take dinner last night for example.  Like all mothers do I serve my children first in order to get them settled and to make sure that they are taken care of.  Well anyway I was getting frustrated because even after giving them their food they kept getting in our way.  It was hot and I was getting annoyed well my husband was also trying to get his dinner and assumed that I was angry at him so without reason he freaked out at me and called me a B***h.  Something I have become used to since his return.  Now before our marriage counseling I would have freaked out and starting yelling at him only making the situation worse but I have been trying to change my reactions so I simply told him that his behavior was uncalled for and rude.  He had no right to speak to me that way and he owed me an apology.  With that I walked away.  Since his return most days are like last night.  He can be completely fine but if I so much as look upset it sets him off and for the next couple of hours the living situation is hostile.

Every wife knows that day to day life can be difficult and no matter how hard we try we get angry from time to time.  Since his return home and his anger change those moments caused undue stress.  If I am in a bad mood he feeds off of it and for no reason at all freaks out.

Among his quick anger is his never ending need to be right all the time.  Now I know most men have the inability to admit they are wrong but he has gotten worse.  I can say something and he will hear something else entirely and next thing you know we are fighting.  It always starts with him telling me that I said something that I didn't say and no matter what I say he won't concede that maybe just maybe he could be wrong.

My point in telling you all of this is that with PTSD controlling their anger is almost impossible for them to do.  There are so many personality changes that a soldier with PTSD goes through and as hard as it is for us to deal with it is so much harder on them.  We can sit and wish they would stop acting like jerks and the whole time they are wishing they could be normal again.  As hard as it is to be ridiculed and treated like I don't matter I know deep down he doesn't mean it he can't help how he feels.  I see him struggle to keep calm and be happy.  I've watched him try to joke when he is miserable.  So from time to time he hurts my feelings I'll get over it but he will never get over his PTSD.   

Feeling Alone

Most men I have met don't like to show their sensitive sides.  I used to consider myself lucky because my husband was all man yet so amazingly sensitive to me.  I have been cursed with kidney stones as well as having asthma most of my life and yet when ever I have an attack its always the same.  I start to freak out which means before you know it I start to hyperventilate, get blurry vision, and come close to passing out.  My husband is the only person who can calm me down.  He has such an amazing ability to get me to calm down and before I know it the attack is gone. So when I got into my life changing accident he was amazing.  I remember thinking how wonderful he was and wondering how long before he got annoyed of my medical condition. 

To give you an idea of how bad it is for him let me give you a little idea of my life.  I am on a 10 pound for life weight limit, I am not allowed to walk for long periods of time, I am not suppose to do a majority of what normal people do.  I have days where I can barely move let alone cook him his dinner.  Because of the accident he is forced to do most everything at home after working a full day.  He has never complained and made me feel better about my life after the accident.  He has always been there for me and takes great care of me.  Well that is until Afghanistan. 

When my husband came home he seemed almost resentful of my accident and my injuries.  He told me shortly after coming home that he was tired of my medical issues.  He told me he was getting resentful of having to deal with me.  I was so hurt I couldn't believe that this amazing man was telling me he wasn't sure he could deal with me anymore. 

For so long after he came home it was stressful for me to mention that I needed him.  I felt like such a burden when I was hurting and needed his help.  I had times where I could barely move but he would come home and expect me to do my wifely duties and make his dinner.  This was all happening during the same time that he was talking about leaving me.  He said that was part of the reason he wanted to leave which made it even harder to ask for his help.  

There was one particular night that everything sort of came to a head.  I was placed on a new medication which my body didn't handle very well I was spending days at a time throwing up, I couldn't eat, my life was miserable.  We started having a heat wave and the side effects were getting worse.  It was shortly after my doctor appointment that I started having horrible pains, it was so bad I could barely breathe.  I fought the pain as long as I could but it kept getting worse.  I told my husband about it and he told me it was probably just another kidney stone I would be fine.  I told him I wanted to go to the hospital but instead he brought me home and told me to bear through it.  He left me at home while he took our daughter to her speech appointment.  When he was gone it got so bad that our friend called the ambulance to take me to the hospital.  When my husband got to the hospital he was furious with me and started yelling at me telling me I was selfish and thought only of myself.  He made me cry he was so cruel.  He chewed me out the whole time we were there.  It was a couple days later after the tests came back that we found out that though I did have a kidney stone it was made worse by severe dehydration.  If I hadn't gone to the hospital it would have been much worse for me. Which of course all he heard was that he was right. 

Shortly after that I started seeing a therapist about our marriage and asked him to do the same.  Things started to get better but I can still see from time to time the resentment creep back about my condition.  Most days he seems fine but when he is in one of his moods he is mean and hurtful and makes me feel like a burden.  I try not to take it personally even though the man that hit me ruined my life but it still hurts that my own husband sees me as a burden. 

It's kind of funny I am frustrated about how he treats me considering how bad I suffer from the pain and the injuries, yet I tend to forget about how bad the "pain" of PTSD is for him.  Sometimes I see my old husband shine through and then other days I wonder who the man is that shares my home.  I wish he could get the proper help he needs but like I said before men who seek help put a bulls-eye on themselves so most of them won't get the proper help. 

I tell you all of this for those of you that face the same thing.  So many personality traits change because of PTSD and as hard as it is for us it is far worse for them.  They don't want to treat us bad or constantly hurt us, they want normalcy back and to be themselves.  I know from experience how bad it hurts and I wish everyday that my husband could go back to normal but for now all I can do is be here for him and help guide him through this. 

I have said it before and I will say it again if anyone reading this has their own stories to tell or something they want to add please feel free to leave a comment.  I would love to hear from those of you who have had experiences with this as well.