I'm Sorry

Since my husbands return from Afghanistan I have heard those words more times than I can count.  It seems that those words are uttered several times a day.  After awhile it gets hard to believe those words when they become a common phrase.  I have been told I should be grateful that my husband thinks to say he's sorry but when the hurt piles up "I'm Sorry" just doesn't seem to help it go away. 

A few weeks ago my husband and I went out together to run errands.  Now as anyone can say errands are not the best part of the day but nonetheless we have to do them anyway.  It started off great we were happy and joking then like the flip of a switch one thing I said set him off and instant fighting.  After about a half hour he realized he over reacted and he said he was sorry.  I let it go to avoid another fight but during the ride to our next errand one thing or another was said and yet again he got angry and lashed out at me.  Then what do you know "I'm Sorry", was said again.  With each time I found it harder to let it go and I started to grow resentful and angry myself.  It was our last errand of the day and at this point he was being loud and rude to me in the middle of the store embarrassing me and making me angry.  I started to lose my cool with him but remembered what my marriage therapist said about changing me and making him realize his own faults, so I just told him I wouldn't allow him to treat me that way and I stopped listening and talking to him.  Once we got out to the car he once again uttered the words I'm sorry.  Now as any person knows when you severely angry and hurt you have a hard time calming down.  Well apparently I didn't forgive him fast enough and he freaked out at me.  He started yelling at me making himself the victim and trying to throw the blame on me.  Even though I was the one that was wronged I found myself apologizing to him and trying to explain myself.  Sometimes I feel like a battered wife, I know he would never purposely hurt me so I do my best to not take it personally. 

This is just one of many times he has acted this way.  I know its not his fault and he doesn't mean to do it but let me be honest to say it hurts, it hurts bad and I just wish he could go back to his old self.  I saw it best said on Facebook, it said "Stupid PTSD....Some of us want a new house....a new car.....a new Iphone......a new TV....to lose weight...But someone battling PTSD wants just one thing.....to win the battle." 

As much as it hurts to have him treat me bad some times I know it hurts him more to not be able to control the PTSD.  So please remember as much as it hurts us it hurts them more and the best thing we can do is put our own hurts aside and try to help them through this.