Broken

When someone we love gets hurt or sick our first instinct is to do everything we can to help them feel better.  We go above and beyond to show the sick person that we care about them.  Usually this is a good thing but for a soldier with PTSD it can back fire and cause more problems.  One thing I have learned from my husband is that most of the time he doesn't even know what he wants so there is no way for me to know.  I have been married for 14 years and know him better than anyone else but since his return from Afghanistan it is like living with a stranger.  The simple things he used to love now seem to annoy him and he gets so frustrated so easily at the little things I do to make him feel better.  As a spouse we tend to take it too personally when our other half lashes out at us (well at least I do), and it takes time to understand that they aren't doing it to you they just don't know what to do with themselves.  It has truly become a labor of love when trying to help my husband because prior to helping I first have to investigate the situation to see if there is anything I can do.  No longer can I look over at him and know in my head that all he needs is a cup of coffee or one of his blankets or whatever else he used to love  now I have to ask him permission to try and make him feel better which of course can set him off if his mood isn't right.  I don't like the phrase but it truly is handling him with kid gloves.  I spend a better part of my time trying to learn his new moods and recognizing them when they happen but that is not always accurate.

 Over the last few months I have learned that sometimes the best way to help him is to shut up and do nothing.  When he is ready he will come to me.  That part is hard for spouses and I understand why it is scary having someone you have known and loved for so long change completely and it is very hard to judge what they are going to do when they start doing things and acting in ways they never did before.  It can be almost terrifying waiting for them to come to you.  That was my problem at first.  When he came home he was so withdrawn that he didn't want to be near me and I was scared if I left him alone that he would never come back to me.  So I smothered him and made things harder on him.  It took counseling and marriage retreats and a lot of prayer to learn that what God plans will happen.  I had to trust that he loved me and he would eventually come to me like he always had before no matter how bad it hurt pushing him to want to be with me would only make it worse for both of us.  

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with PTSD and I still don't have all the answers and since his accident it has gotten worse.  I will be honest and say I screw up daily, I am learning his moods and his habits all over again now that the accident changed him yet again.  It is so hard watching someone you love fight within themselves to find happiness and knowing that there is nothing you can DO to help them is heart breaking.  So I figured I may not be able to make it better for him but I can be close by and love him no matter what he does or how hard it gets.  To me it isn't much but for them it is everything.