Bewitched

Tonight I was watching Charmed with my husband and there was one episode where the lead character referenced the show Bewitched and how Samantha would twitch her nose to make things happen.  I found myself focused on this wishing that I could possess that ability. 

As you know my husband was in a horrible accident and suffered a concussion as well as unknown injuries.  He is currently on a 10 day Con leave from the army.  I have been with this man for 15 years and he has never done well with extensive time off and he is a bit hard to handle when he is sick so imagine how difficult it would be to have him home from work and laid up.  For the last several days his attitude has been increasingly worse and hard to handle. 

It has been almost two weeks since his accident now and though his head is getting a little bit better his back and neck are getting worse.  He has the worst time getting comfortable and he can't sleep very well.  We have tried everything and finally had to resort to giving him melatonin to help him sleep.  Now he is finally getting some sleep though he is waking up in so much pain that he can barely walk.  He gets weak and tired easily.  Just yesterday the insurance company settled the truck with us and so I had to have him go with me to the bank since the check was in his name.  All he had to do was ride to the bank with me and then come home.  Not more than 5 minutes outside the house he started getting nauseous and his head started hurting.  I gave him some meds to help him fight the nausea which helped only a bit but his back began to bother him more than usual.  The whole trip he was miserable and crabby, nothing I did was right.  He spent most of the trip hurling insults at me making me feel like crap. 

I know he's miserable and having gone through what he's been through I understand how hard it is.  He once told me that when I get overly sore I tend to be a "b***h" to everyone around and show a lack of care for those around me.  Now he is doing the same.  He just reacts without thinking and though I know how he feels those around him like our children don't understand.  He has always had a high tolerence for pain which amazed me.  He could get hurt and still work.  His pain level is not like most people.  What would be a level 6 or 7 for most is a 3 or 4 for him.  Now that he has been in the accident and I see how bad he hurts I can't help but wonder what his pain is really at.  If he has always tolerated pain well  but now he can't get comfortable does that mean he is having a level 10 pain and if so what would that be for someone like me?  So knowing this I tend to let him get away with his attitude problems. 

The down side to all of this is that like I mentioned before; with his PTSD he has mood swings and can be difficult to be around sometimes.  Now that he is in a large amount of pain and unable to go to  work he is even more irritable than before.  So mixing his PTSD with his new anger has made the last week challenging to say the least.  I find myself getting angry but then I remember that he can't help it and I am forced to put aside my own frustrations and do what I can to make his day a bit better. 

In the beginning of this post I referenced Samantha from Bewitched and how if I could I would twitch away his pain and make things better for him, but since I can't I am finding ways to make things easier.  I will however be honest and say that the army sometimes doesn't seem to make that an easy task.  Last week he went to see his PCM and she gave him 10 days of Con Leave.  I was frustrated and annoyed, anyone who have practiced medicine or been in an accident knows that something that severe doesn't heal in 10 days.  So now we have to go back this week to get more time off for him.  The man can barely get dressed on his own without needing a nap and yet his PCM thinks he should be heading back to work.  All of this and they still haven't done an MRI to determine how bad his spine is.  After the accident they postponed his orders to Korea for 30 days and while I appreciate that I know that he won't be ready.  I have been through a major accident and still suffer from the pain.  I know that my T-bone was nothing compared to his 22 ft drop off a cliff and rolling his vehicle.  All I can think is if my body was that messed up from a simple accident how bad is his after rolling his truck and falling off a cliff?  Just the other day he told me he needed a shower he couldn't stand feeling dirty so I helped him get into the shower and about 10 minutes later he came out staggering to the couch and laid down.  He told me he was so exhausted he needed a nap.  Just taking a shower took all the energy he had away.   Here is a man who can't stand feeling helpless and he can't eve do the simple things that people tend to take for granted.  What worries me the most is that he is moving from the living room to the bedroom and yet they haven't done the MRI to figure out how bad he is hurt.  Which leaves me with the question of how can he be ready to head to Korea if they don't know the extent of his injuries?   I do need to clarify that his company has been great and so my complaint tonight is not directed toward them but toward the PCM that he has to see.  When we were there last week he had virtually no range of motion and call me crazy but a truck driver needs to be able to move freely something he hasn't achieved yet. 

Now my purpose of tonight's post isn't to rag on the army or to complain but to say that if I could I would change how they see things.  Samantha could twitch her nose and fix things and if I could I would twitch my nose and make things easier on my husband.  I know how it feels to be in overwhelming pain and have people act like your the one that is crazy.  Part of me wonders if they are trying to overlook the pain and the injuries because they need him to go to Korea.  I am sure that I am overreacting but I see a man who at this point is finding it hard to smile, who spends most of his day trying to find a comfortable position to sit in, who has to rely on his wife and children to get him a drink, and who watches his wife do things that tire me out just to help him; and I think to myself why can't I just twitch my nose and change everything?  It's moments like this that make the PTSD harder for him.  He already feels like he isn't doing his part because of the injuries and now because of the PTSD his head is telling him that he is pathetic. 

I guess my point for tonight is to be patient I have said it before but I will say it again, have patience with your soldier.  The PTSD will never go away but with help they can learn to live with it and have some semblance of a normal life.  It takes a lot for you as the spouse to deal with their behaviors and moods on a daily basis and patience along with a lot of prayer can help you get through but if they end up adding another traumatic event to the existing PTSD you will wish you to could just twitch your nose.  That is why it is best to start practicing patience now so that if it does happen to you, you can face it better.  I am not good with patience and I won't pretend to be so it makes day to day life more challenging because I am constantly having to step back or walk away until I calm down so I don't freak out on him for something he can't control.  If I had learned patience before instead of attacking him I wouldn't be making him feel like less of a man because he can't help what he is going through now.  I hope that tonight's post helps some of you and I do apologize for the delay in posting.  Right now my focus has to be on my husband and I am sure you all understand that, but I will do my best to keep my posts updated.