Frustrations

It has been awhile since my last post and sad to say things haven't improved much.  It has been over 5 weeks since my husband's accident and there has been little improvement.  With each day that he is home from work and suffering his moods continue to decline.  The PTSD was always noticeable before the accident but since then the moods and the attitudes have gotten worse.  Everyday is a different attitude and mood that I have to learn.  Before the accident I had started to figure out his moods and learn when to back off and when to try to help.  Now his moods are so sporadic and unstable that there is no learning the pattern.  One minute he is fine watching TV and the next he is very angry and yelling needlessly then as quickly as it started he calms down and apologizes for his outburst.  This happens several times a day making it difficult to judge the patterns and figure out how to respond. 

One of the things they tell you as the spouse of a PTSD soldier is to learn your soldiers moods and try to not react to every thing they do.  They teach you to learn and listen.  It is vital to the soldiers well being and the marriage for the spouse to learn when and how to react to the moods and attitudes of the soldier.  The spouse is to take mental note of the soldiers up and downs the point of this is to be able to recognize the warning signs for potential harm to themselves or others.  If the spouse does their part well they can easily recognize the potential hazards and help to keep the soldier from hurting themselves.  With that said there is no 100% guarantee that this will work all the time but it will help if the spouse is active in the soldiers recovery.  I myself have learned this first hand.  For the last year I have spent my days learning my husbands patterns and triggers.  I spent so much time learning the best ways to defuse a mood and to react and most important when to just shut up.  I will be the first to admit learning is easy but doing isn't.  I have learned but so many times failed to execute.  No matter how hard we try we are human and tend to react to our spouses moods whether intentional or not.  No body is perfect so from time to time we are going to react and make matters worse.  That has been my problem the last couple of weeks.  Like I mentioned before my husband's PTSD is getting worse and seems that nothing makes him happy right now.  My husband has always been a work horse and gives 100% at everything he does.  So for him to be laid up like this it makes his PTSD worse.  Being stuck at home unable to go to work messes with his head and that is a dangerous thing for a soldier with PTSD.  They need some sense of normalcy in order to keep them from going off the deep end.  So for him to not be in control of what is happening to him makes him crazy.  The worst thing that a soldier with PTSD can have happen if for them to lose control.  In order for them to sort of level out they need consistency and to be in control of their environment which is why when they go out in public they have to be seated in a place where they can see what is going on around them.  It is a comfort thing as well as a control thing. 

Another issue that we have faced since the accident is a more intense lack of sleep.  Like I mentioned before my husband hasn't slept well since his return from Afghanistan and now after the accident he sleeps even less.  His best nights sleep was a total of 2 hours 45 minutes.  The doctors have given him medication which does absolutely nothing for him.  Each night he goes without sleep his attitudes and moods continue to go downhill.  It makes it really hard to have a normal conversation with him when he is always on edge from the lack of sleep. 

Like I said every day is a challenge and sometimes it seems there is no end in sight but just one smile from him reminds me why I am here.  So my thought for tonight is to enjoy the good days they may be far and few between but when it gets tough remember that it can always get worse.  Be thankful for your spouses mild days and even though it is hard make sure you give them room to be who they need to be meaning don't get mad at them for freaking out or ruining a moment.  They can't help how they feel.  Whether or not they say so they do appreciate all you are doing even though they may not be able to vocalize it.  Your standing by them gives them the drive to go on.  Never forget that.