Helpless

One thing I am understanding more and more is that no matter how much I learn or how much I live it I can never make the PTSD go away for my husband.  Like I mentioned in previous posts my husband has never handled time away from work very well.  Like any person he loves vacation time but anything beyond that he tends to get moody and depressive.  Now here he is two weeks off of work and though he knows he isn't ready to go back he is starting to feel the sadness and depression set in.  Imagine that added to the PTSD that already messes with his emotions. 

This accident seems to have intensified his PTSD symptoms.  Before the accident he suffered from lack of sleep, mood swings, and depression.  Since the accident his sleeping has gotten worse to the point where he doesn't want to go to bed for fear of laying awake in bed.  His moods have gotten more aggressive in the sense that he yells then his head starts throbbing and pulsating at the same time making him regret using his voice.  Just tonight he told me that he is starting to feel depressed.  He is having a hard time dealing with what is happening to him.  He knows his body is no where near ready to return to the job but he still can't help feeling depressed. 

The worst part about this is that there is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to make him feel better.  I can tell him I understand, I can sit and hold his hand, and I can hold him but it doesn't change how he feels.  That is the hard part about PTSD; knowing that sometimes there is nothing you can do.  There is no worse feeling as a spouse then to know that you can't fix this for them.  The best you can do is stay close by and let them know you are there for them. 

So tonight I find myself sadden because the man I pledged before God and friends to love is having a hard time dealing with everything and there is nothing I can do to make it better.  All the classes and the information on PTSD doesn't prepare you for the feeling of helplessness that you get when you watch them suffer and you can't do anything about it.  I know this sounds depressing and you may wonder if it is all that bad why bother but I tell you that on their good days everything you go through is worth it to see them smile just once. 

I guess my advice tonight is for myself and that advice is to hang on, be patient, and know that soon he will find his way through and smile again.  No matter how dark it may seem the old cliche is right "the sun will come out tomorrow".