Never Ending

As you have noticed I have been away for awhile.  It has been so difficult here and I haven't been able to find the time to write.  We're almost a month into my husband's recovery from his accident and I am starting to feel the stress of it. 

Life has been so very different since his return from Afghanistan and the diagnosis of PTSD,  I feel like I still don't have it all down yet.  Learning new behaviors and learning new ways to communicate is stressful and to be honest I still haven't mastered it.  I constantly find myself wishing I had done something or said something different to make things easier but then another bad day comes and once again I screw up and end up doing the shoulda, coulda game.  After months of learning by failure I am finally starting to get it right.  Well that is until the accident now here I am starting over.

With each day that goes by my husband gets more and more depressed and more and more irritable.  Every day is something new and though I see him trying he can't control it for long and then its like the flood gates open and he starts pouring out attitude and resentment toward his injuries.  Last week he started seeing the TBI clinic and they suggested he start taking something.  So the doctor prescribed him Elavil mostly to help with his headache but also to help with his moods.  I don't like medication that can alter moods but even I thought it was a good idea.  The downside is that the medication doesn't seem to be working for him as he has started getting more irritable and not even trying to control it.  For the last few weeks I have been operating on very little sleep and in a tremendous amount of pain just to take care of him and our children.  The added pressure has made it so difficult for me to be the wife I should be.  Today in fact was a good example of me losing it.  I was so crabby and found myself needlessly arguing with my husband over stuff that didn't matter.  It doesn't take much to get him rattled so my outbursts and frustrations were a fuse to an already explosive situation. 

As things are right now my husband hasn't been released back to work and I am not sure when he will be released so for now the best I can do is try. However I will be the first to say that saying I will try is easy but actually holding my tongue when my husband frustrates me is so much more difficult to follow through on.  Every day I have to wake up and remind myself that he can't help how he feels for years I begged him to understand that right or wrong feelings exist and they need to be respected.  God gave us all feelings and it is only right that we respect the feelings of those around us we don't have to agree or even like others feelings but we do need to listen and take to heart the feelings of our spouses.  It gets hard to do sometimes and the stresses of life tend to make us hard-hearted and bitter,  and honestly we as humans tend to be selfish by nature but if we were to take a few moments of our lives to see things from someones elses point of view maybe we wouldn't fight so much.  Imagine having a bunch of feelings and fears that you don't understand and mood swings that make you doubt yourself and no one to take your hand and let you know its going to be okay.  These men with PTSD are going through that; they have all these feelings and fears that they never used to have and mood swings that make them feel like they aren't real men and insane thoughts that we think less of them for it.  What they need from us is to give them the same respect and compassion that we demand of them. 

I know the pain that my husband is going through from this accident I have been there and to add to that the mood swings and issues of his PTSD its no wonder that he is easily agitated and annoyed.  So the best thing I can do for him is to sit back keep my mouth shut and lend a shoulder when he needs it. 

My request to all of you is to do the same as hard as it is and no matter how much you want to run away screaming from time to time think about the times that your spouse has been there for you and helped you through the ups and downs of your life and then try to meet your spouse half way.  Trust me it won't be a magical fix to your marriage but it will help.