There are some days in a marriage when you wonder why you chose this life but when your an army wife those days become far to frequent. As army wives know it is a tough job and sometimes days go by in silence since neither party wants to give in or admit they were wrong. The hardest part though is when the spouse suffers from PTSD. Like I said before the moods change so often that having an argument can take days if not longer. I have noticed my husband tends to say things then not remember it or he hears something completely different than what I said and when I tell him he is wrong it starts a huge war.
As an army wife you know that the marriage and family always comes after the army some days it doesn't bother you others you want to scream. I had a day like that today. I support the army and its men and women but today was one the days where hearing the word army set me off. My husband has been slated to go to Korea. With my medical issues we requested that those orders be cancelled but thanks to a few people in our current post they scared my husband into believing that if he doesn't go to Korea the army will kick him out. I have been begging him to at least try and see if he can get them cancelled since we meet the medical requirements for deletion of orders but here we are a month away and he still hasn't done it. So tonight I lost it.
I try to be fair and not anger him because of the PTSD but tonight I didn't care. That makes me human but also makes me cruel. After awhile of trying not to make them mad or get them frustrated you tend to snap yourself and it makes it worse in the end. I love my husband but since he came home from Afghanistan he tends to be childish when we fight. Most adults work through their anger and yell, scream, argue it out but my husband acts like a child he gets mad, shuts people out telling them to shut up or just leave him alone, and storms out of the house. So most times I try everything I can to make sure that I don't get him to that point, but like I said I snapped. Take it from me that is the worst thing you can do and it only makes the issue worse and it will not solve anything. After hours and I do mean hours of fighting there were still no answers and I am just as frustrated and angry as I was when the whole fight started.
As a married couple you get used to fights and arguments, when the spouse is army and deployed you get used to long distance fighting and having to wait until they get back online again to continue a fight. But when your married to a soldier with PTSD some fights never get solved. When my husband came home from Afghanistan he was angry and bitter. He had every right to be what ever could go wrong did and it put a huge strain on our marriage. The PTSD made everything worse and finally 4 months after he came home he told me he was thinking about divorce. I was shocked he swore he would never do such a thing we have been married 14 years and he never used the word divorce not even in a fight. So I told him what a counselor had told me.....never let them make life changing decisions the first 6 to12 months after a deployment. She said that everything in their minds is made worse because of the hard adjustment to life back in the US. I told him this and begged him to go to counseling with me to work on our marriage. One night we went out to talk and he told me he wished he had cheated on me while he was deployed so he could know if our marriage was worth saving. I was crushed and for the first time I realized that the man sitting across from me wasn't the same man I married. At that moment I swore I would make things right on my end and try to help him with the PTSD so he wouldn't feel that way.
Anyway my point in telling you all of that was that I mentioned that to him tonight and he honestly didn't remember saying that to me even though it was only a few months ago. I can only assume it was the anger and the bitterness of feeling lost and out of control that soldiers with PTSD feel.
I guess if I have any advice tonight it would be don't take what they say personally chances are in a couple months they won't remember it. It is most likely the anger or the hurt talking not their true feelings. So many fights and arguments can be solved if we as wives learn to let them vent without taking it to heart. The best thing you can do is find a support system such as family, friends or a PTSD support group where you can vent without fear of adding stress to the marriage.
If any of you have had the same experiences of would like to share something please feel free to comment I would love to hear from you. I would love to know if anything I am telling you is helping or not.
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