A Little Personal

I hope that tonight's post doesn't offend anyone but I feel it is important to cover all aspects of PSTD and this is one of them.  I have written about various behaviors that my husband has exhibited since coming home but tonight I am going to get personal.  Tonight's subject is one of those subjects that people tend to shy away from.  One thing I can say about our marriage is that our intimacy has always been strong.  As people get older sometimes the intimacy dies or suffers.  I am glad to say that has never been a problem for us. Well that is until Afghanistan came along.  When he came home like each man he wanted to be with me but it seemed to be so forced and lacking true intimacy.  After the initial welcome home sex wore off it got to be a quick impersonal act.  I have heard arguing about what women want in regards to sex but lets face it girls like a little foreplay and that is one of those things we lost.  It sort of became a wham bam thanks I'm good kind of thing. That is when it did happen meaning it would be once a week or once every couple weeks.  Of course like I said things weren't right with us when he came home and eventually I will get to that but for now I want to help those who are wondering why their sex life may be suffering.  When my husband deployed several other wives told me to prepare myself because that is one thing that would change when he came home.  Well they were right. 

Like I said before it has been almost a year since he came home and it is still hit and miss with us.  I remember thinking when he came home and things were wrong that he must not want me anymore.  I wondered if he thought I wasn't good enough which then turned into wondering if he was cheating on me.  He used to sit in our home and joke with his battle buddies about women and "getting it on" with them.  But then when it was just the two of us again he would ignore me.  I've had people tell me their experiences and how it could take somewhere up to a year for the sex life to go back to "normal".  I am not saying I am blameless in this but it is hard to be intimate with someone when you feel like your not important to them.  I used to think those other wives were crazy when they told me he would be less than intimate when he came home.  I mean if you knew my husband before deployment you would think he was well like a 21 year old single college guy.  He always wanted sex and he could never get enough.  But when he came home it was so different.  This wasn't the same guy. 

I read so many books about deployment and the aftermath, I spoke to others that have been through it, and I met with professionals who all told me that when they have a hard time with the intimacy in the marriage the sex will suffer too.  If you look at the list of symptoms it makes sense if the man can't say I love you why would he be able to have true intimacy.  But once again I didn't listen.  Instead I blamed him and accused him of not loving me anymore.  It took far too long for me to understand he needed help.  The worst part is that without help it will never be what it used to be. 

I guess what I am trying to get at tonight is that you need to remember that this could happen with your spouse.  I sincerely hope it doesn't I would never wish that on anyone but trust me when I tell you that it doesn't pay to ignore advice.  So if your spouse comes home and acts the same way try not to take it personally be patient and remember the struggle they go through.  Just stand by them and show them that you're there no matter how long it takes.