Separation

As most army wives know separation is part of every marriage when your in the army.  I heard it best said once by a Captain's wife she said, "I didn't get married to be alone."  She had been married for 5 years and 4 of them she spent alone.  I didn't realize the day he signed the papers that I would become his mistress and the army would become his wife.  Deployment is hard on any marriage and no matter how many times you go through it, it never gets easier.

Just one year after my husbands return from Afghanistan he is being sent to Korea.  Most people would be happy its not a war zone but the feeling is a bit different when the soldier has PTSD.  I have said it before and I will say it again the moods and behaviors are so erratic that any time apart causes severe uneasiness. I can remember the long nights worrying, wondering what was happening, wondering if everything was okay, and getting excited that another day was gone we were one day closer to him coming home.  I could never have imagined it would be so hard having him back.  I was away when my husband came home so I had to come back to see him.  I drove for 8 hours so excited that I would be back with him finally back in his arms.  I met him at the post and when I pulled in I was so excited that I didn't even want to put the truck in park.  I was so excited to see him I ran to him to hug him but instead of the long hug and the drawn out kiss I expected I got a quick hug and then it was go wait for me while I deal with our child, now that is a long story but the point I am making is that he didn't seem to care that I was there just hours after he begged me to drop everything and come back to see him.  I remember sitting in the truck wondering why I came back just to be ignored.  It was like that for the first few weeks I spent days wondering why I came home to him just to be treated like baggage.  We spent more time arguing and fighting than we did being intimate.  It always seem to be over the little things.  I spent so much time yelling and arguing that I just wanted to throw in the towel and walk away.  I felt so alone when I should have been over joyed at my husband's return.

I had heard stories about homecomings and how great it was for them.  How couples would fall into each others arms and it was like a honeymoon all over again.  I longed for that I would lay in bed and wish I could have felt the way those wives must have felt.  It never happened days became weeks and it only got worse. 

Now here I am on the brink of another separation and I can't help but worry about what the future holds.  We have spent the last few months working on our marriage and making us the priority.  He tells me he loves me when only a few short months ago he couldn't make himself say the words.  But a large part of me still worries about another year apart when not even a year ago he was talking about leaving me.  So I guess this should have been titled separation and worry.  No matter how many times it happens or how strong you think your marriage is time apart is scary and it takes its toll on us. 

So my thought for tonight is this: you can have the best marriage in the world but when your married to a soldier with PTSD even the greatest marriage is a day to day relationship.  All you can do is remain strong and let them know your not going anywhere.  You will always be there for them.