Same Yet Totally Different Man

Throughout the last several posts I have touched on the various subjects that I have faced being the wife of a solider with PTSD, but to be honest I still have a very hard time adjusting to this new man in our home.  For people that knew him before they would think I was lying about the new behaviors he has exhibited.  They could never imagine him acting this way. 

When I met my husband he was 17 and a senior in high school.  I had just graduated and was looking for an adventure and a guy to sweep me off my feet.  I had just moved to Des Moines, Iowa to be with my biological mother.  Shortly after arriving there I attended a wedding with them at a local hotel where I caught my first glimpse of him.  He was working as a handy man for the hotel doing various tasks throughout the night.  He flirted with me and I with him.  I had a very low self esteem so I figured there was no way he would ever go out with me but I gave him my number anyway.  A couple days later I decided to join my mom and my new dad on a semi run to California.  I drove them crazy because I couldn't stop talking about this awesome new guy and how much I was hoping he would call.  A week or so later we returned from the run and sure enough he had left me a message asking me out.  You may ask yourself why I am telling you all this....the answer is to give you an idea of who my husband was before the PTSD.  Anyway moving on.  That night I called him back and asked if he wanted to get together.  Of course he accepted and next thing you knew we were dating.  From that moment on we were inseparable.  A few short months after we started dating we decided to move in together while he finished high school.  Right before his graduation he proposed to me and I said yes (obviously).  We decided to get married on our one year dating anniversary that way we would only have to remember one anniversary the rest of our lives.  During our enagagement he spent a lot of time with a pastor who worked nights at the hotel and the pastor would use that time to witness to him telling him about God.  So one night he came home and asked me to help him give his life to Christ.  Now my adoptive parents were very cultic with their beliefs and made my life miserable telling me no matter what I did it wasn't good enough for God, so you can imagine that I wasn't thrilled about his new choice in life.

Shortly after his conversion I found out I was pregnant.  Of course this led his family to believe that was the only reason he was marrying me.  However three days after our wedding I miscarried our little girl.  After that I became obsessed with getting pregnant again and he just continued to be his amazing self.  We decided to move to Duluth, MN in order to build our marriage but shortly after getting there he met up with some people I knew from my childhood and he started attending their church.  Things got difficult for us as he got further into Christainity and I did everything I could to try and pull him away.  As most people tend to do he went off the deep end becomig very strict and legalistic.  After the birth of our daughter he "felt" called to become a pastor so we moved back to Des Moines for a short time to better our living situation for our new child.  It was my mom that gave us the idea to try becoming truck drivers so we could make good money for our child.  When our daughter reached a year old we sent her to stay with my mom while my husband and I went off to truck driving school.  We spent the next four months learning how to drive and getting started.  On our graduation from the trucking academy I ended up getting pregnant with our son.  So my husband became a solo driver and spent many weeks away from home.  It hurt our marriage and almost ended us when I found out he had extra cirricular activities with a woman while he was away.  But he told me he didn't believe in divorce and that it was against God.  We then attended marriage counseling to heal our marriage and next thing you know he told me God told him to go back to school to become a pastor, it was finally time.  Without hesitation we packed the family up and moved to Missouri where he started Central Bible College.  He got further into the church and I got more and more resentful.  I was close to finishing nursing school myself when I was hit by a careless driver ruining the rest of my life.  While I was freaking out and getting angry at God; my husband kept begging me to go to church with him and ask God to fix things.  He kept telling me that God had a plan for me and he would take care of us.  I was so angry and frustrated with him.

It wasn't long after the accident that we moved back to Des Moines.  My husband immediately joined the church there and started doing interviews to work as an assistant pastor.  He was still driving truck during the week and on weekends he would work at the local church.  During that time he told me how much he wanted to join the army how it was a dream of his and he couldn't shake the desire to join.  Finding a permanent job at the churches was hard and it was depressing him so together we went to the recruiters office.  They did their speech and before you know it he was signing the papers.

The point in all that was to show how he was before the army.  He was a family man, a Godly man, he loved to joke and laugh, he loved going on dates with me and he was a devoted husband who would do anything to make his marriage last.  He always told me that our lives were designed to be God, marriage, family, then church.  He lived his life that way making the kids and I the most important part of his life. 

I came from a screwed up home so when  I used to get angry I would threaten divorce and he would tell me to stop using that word it wasn't allowed in our home because once married you were married for life.  He considered the word divorce to be a curse word and it would anger him deeply when I would say it.

His return from Afghanistan brought home a whole new person.  When he came home for his R&R he was slightly different but still my husband and it didn't take long for him to adjust to being home.  But like I said before it was right before he came home for good that everything changed.  Now the man I share my life with is almost a stranger.   I would ask him to go on dates with me to which he would say no or it would seem like a burden.  It seemed like a chore for him to spend time with me.  He grew distant and next thing I knew HE was talking about divorce saying maybe God didn't bring us together after all.  I can still remember that day and how my heart broke.  When we first got married I had low self esteem and I told him I was terrified that he would some day leave me for someone better.  He always told me I needed to get over that because he was there for life.  Now here he was telling me that my deepest fears may happen.  I couldn't believe it.  For the next several months I was afraid to be happy because I never knew if he was going to bail on me. 

Aside from the divorce talk and the anger issues he lost his faith in God.  I started reading my Bible a few months ago and tried to get our family back into church.  He went but I could tell he was trying to appease me.  His heart wasn't in it.  I would ask him when he last prayed and he would tell me he didn't see a point in it.  He couldn't remember the last time he prayed!  In fact a couple of weeks ago we were talking about God and he flat out told me he didn't care he just went for the kids.  I knew things were bad but I never in a million years thought he would lose who he was. 

What scares me the most is all of his fundamental beliefs have changed or gotten lost in his head and I am worried that the few he did  have left are dying as well.  Let me try to explain that better.  He was always emotionally tough and could compartmentalize his issues in order to do his job and take care of the family.  Things like suicide or divorce or giving up on God were foreign to him.  He hated when people would use those things as a way out but now here he is doing the same.  He made a joke the other day about dying and it scared me to think he may actually not be joking.  Now before you worry I do know the warning signs and what to look for and pay attention to and he hasn't shown any of the signs but he lost his drive for the future he doesn't see himself living to old age.  That scares me. 

So my thought for tonight is to watch carefully.  Always be on alert because everything and every behavior is really a symptom and if they get worse it is up to you to get them help.  They may fight and may get angry with you but much like any other illness if the symptoms get worse you need to be the one to get them help.  I have heard far too many sad stories about soldiers whose families didn't see the warning signs and the soldier either killed himself or someone else.  I have done all I can to educate myself and I pay attention daily to his behaviors to make sure I am there to help him.  And I can bet I still don't know anywhere near enough.  There is so much to learn.   As a spouse there is nothing more important than that.   I hope my story tonight has helped someone and I hope that we can find a way to help these men so we don't have to lose anymore soldiers to PTSD.  If you get nothing else out of my posts please take away this one thing.....you can never be too well educated on this disease.  Study all you can learn as much as possible so you can help your spouse. 

Sleep Patterns

One major change my husband has had since his return from Afghanistan is his sleep patterns.  I know I touched on this before but I want to go a bit more in depth tonight.  My husband has always been a hard worker.  For most of our lives he has worked 14 to 20 hour days.  Now that may sound like an exaggeration but I assure you its not.  Since we got married he has either worked two jobs or he drove for Sysco foods.  The long hours and hard work made sleep easy for him.  He could sit on the couch watching TV and next thing you know he was out cold snoring.  He made an art form of getting two or three hours of sleep and then working another 18 hour day.  He would go to bed at night and on his days off it would take hours for me to fully wake him up.  I could try everything from bringing fresh made cinnamon rolls to him to enticing him sexually and he still wouldn't wake up.  All that changed with his return from Afghanistan. 

When he first came home he would stay up most of the night and then report for formation.  He would come home for lunch and collapse.  He would take a short hour nap head back to work and stay up again most of the night.  When he started seeing his therapist they gave him some sleeping pills to help him finally get to sleep.  I thought finally he would get some sleep but they didn't help.  He would follow directions take them like required but at 3 or 4am he would wake up and not be able to go back to sleep.  So frustrated he stopped taking them.  As the months drug on he still didn't sleep much.  He was staying up until 3am sometimes later and then leaving for work about 6.  The longer he went without sleep the more his demeanor changed and the harder it was to talk to him. 

It wasn't just his ability to sleep that changed it was the way he slept that changed.  He used to go to sleep in one position and stay that way the whole night.  He barely moved making it so much easier for me to sleep since I toss and turn all the time.  When he came home he was a different man.  Like I mentioned before since his return I have suffered bruises and bloody noses.  He now thrashes and flops back and forth in his sleep,and I kid you not he has even marched in his sleep.  He has become a violent sleeper.  I have learned one thing when sleeping with him stay away from his arms and always stay up by his face to wake him up.  I learned to be gentle and carefully urge him to wake instead of shaking him or touching him.    

It has been almost a year to the day that he came home and while he is sleeping better he has never gone back to his usual habits.  He has good nights where he seems to sleep peacefully and then he has nights where he can't lay still.  I have learned the difference between his good nights and his bad ones.  A good night for him includes snoring.  On the nights that he snores (which happens maybe once a month) those are the good ones.  His moods the next day are better and his overall attitude is better.  His bad nights can range from frequent tossing to him asking me every time I move what is happening.  I swear there is nothing more frustrating than trying to sleep and every time you move someone questions you. 

For each person with PTSD the sleeping patterns are different, and it may take awhile to learn them.  I offer this advice to you....always be gentle and never wake them standing below the waist.  Before my husband came home our friend that was staying with us also had PTSD and most mornings I would wake him up.  I learned fast to stay above his waist when waking him up. The one and only time I tried to wake him up by touching his leg he kicked and jumped knocking me backward.  You see these men are used to sleeping in the field with their hands close to or holding their weapons.  Any touch is suppose to alert them to danger.  The other advice I have is to be gentle do NOT shake them.  Several soldiers sleep with some sort of weapon under their pillow most of the time it is a knife.  The point is if you shake them their instinct is to grab the knife and start swinging.  The same goes if there is no weapon they will just start swinging with their fists. 

I know that this all seems insane or frustrating but lets be honest each of us has our flaws most of them we could change over time, but they can't change the PTSD.  In my opinion the best thing you can do to make life easier on them is to learn as much as you can about what they are going through including what it takes to give them a good nights rest.  My husband always says its the little things that count.  Learning their patterns and what does or doesn't work for them are the little things that can make their life a bit better.  Learning these things shows them you care.  And while it won't take away the frustration of the PTSD it will help them to not feel so self conscious about it. 

Not All Bad

In the last few posts I have written about the various behaviors that can make a marriage difficult and while they are important I want to touch on the lighter side of things.  As I mentioned before there are a lot of different behaviors that a soldier with PTSD can exhibit one of the less frustrating is the paranoia.  Don't get me wrong paranoia can cause problems for them but there are times where it can also be funny.  Before you think I am mean or lacking respect let me explain what I mean.

Not all days are bad days believe it or not my husband has days where he laughs and things seem almost normal.  It's during those times that the paranoia is funny.  Last night my husband went to bed before I did so I said good night made sure he was happy then went to the living room with our puppy to watch my movie.  After the movie ended at about 2am I also went to bed.  Well before I could get into bed I had to make sure the puppy was in the house.  He likes to sleep under the bed that is when he isn't outside.  Anyway I had to make sure he was under the bed so I didn't lock him out.  For some strange reason at that moment my husband pseudo woke up and asked me what was going on.  For those of you that don't know my husband can carry on an intelligent conversation while completely asleep.  I told him nothing was going on to just chill and go back to sleep.  That is where the paranoia kicked in because for the next 20 minutes he went on about how I was plotting on him and how I stuck a Hex under our bed to curse him.  You should know he was watching a charmed marathon a few hours before he went to bed.  Anyway no matter what I did or how I tried to calm him he insisted that I was in fact plotting to destroy him.  After a bit of whining and calling me an evil witch he finally fell asleep.  I felt bad for him that he really thought like that but at the same time I couldn't help but laugh at this silly idea he had in his head.

This morning I asked him if he remembered last night to which he gave a sad reply.  He told me that while he said to me he thought I placed a hex there in his mind he truly thought I had placed an IED under his bed.  He told me that in his mind he couldn't shake that I had placed an IED there to destroy him.  After hearing that it makes the night before less funny and actually sad.  That is until I told him everything he had said to me and the reaction he gave me.  Once I told him what actually happened he laughed too knowing that I wasn't laughing at him but with him.

You see not all days are bad.  While there are moments throughout the day that remind us the PTSD is still there, there are also moments that we can laugh and realize that its not all bad.  For brief moments we see our old spouse shine through and its in those little moments that we remember what we are here for.  

I'm Sorry

Since my husbands return from Afghanistan I have heard those words more times than I can count.  It seems that those words are uttered several times a day.  After awhile it gets hard to believe those words when they become a common phrase.  I have been told I should be grateful that my husband thinks to say he's sorry but when the hurt piles up "I'm Sorry" just doesn't seem to help it go away. 

A few weeks ago my husband and I went out together to run errands.  Now as anyone can say errands are not the best part of the day but nonetheless we have to do them anyway.  It started off great we were happy and joking then like the flip of a switch one thing I said set him off and instant fighting.  After about a half hour he realized he over reacted and he said he was sorry.  I let it go to avoid another fight but during the ride to our next errand one thing or another was said and yet again he got angry and lashed out at me.  Then what do you know "I'm Sorry", was said again.  With each time I found it harder to let it go and I started to grow resentful and angry myself.  It was our last errand of the day and at this point he was being loud and rude to me in the middle of the store embarrassing me and making me angry.  I started to lose my cool with him but remembered what my marriage therapist said about changing me and making him realize his own faults, so I just told him I wouldn't allow him to treat me that way and I stopped listening and talking to him.  Once we got out to the car he once again uttered the words I'm sorry.  Now as any person knows when you severely angry and hurt you have a hard time calming down.  Well apparently I didn't forgive him fast enough and he freaked out at me.  He started yelling at me making himself the victim and trying to throw the blame on me.  Even though I was the one that was wronged I found myself apologizing to him and trying to explain myself.  Sometimes I feel like a battered wife, I know he would never purposely hurt me so I do my best to not take it personally. 

This is just one of many times he has acted this way.  I know its not his fault and he doesn't mean to do it but let me be honest to say it hurts, it hurts bad and I just wish he could go back to his old self.  I saw it best said on Facebook, it said "Stupid PTSD....Some of us want a new house....a new car.....a new Iphone......a new TV....to lose weight...But someone battling PTSD wants just one thing.....to win the battle." 

As much as it hurts to have him treat me bad some times I know it hurts him more to not be able to control the PTSD.  So please remember as much as it hurts us it hurts them more and the best thing we can do is put our own hurts aside and try to help them through this. 

Anger Issues

As every woman knows in a marriage there is going to be moments of anger.  Some are easier to deal with then others.  When I first decided to marry my husband we went through marriage counseling we covered all topics including anger.  During that session we discussed our anger levels and what it took to get to the highest level.  He used to have so many levels before he got to his "blow the gasket level".  All that changed when he came home from Afghanistan.  During the time that he was thinking about calling it quits we went to a military sponsored couples retreat.  One of our subjects was anger management and communication.  They had us do the same thing as our pre-marriage counseling session.  I was shocked to see how much he had changed his new scale went from mildly upset to blow his gasket.  All the in between levels were gone.

After his return home the simplest things set him off.  Take dinner last night for example.  Like all mothers do I serve my children first in order to get them settled and to make sure that they are taken care of.  Well anyway I was getting frustrated because even after giving them their food they kept getting in our way.  It was hot and I was getting annoyed well my husband was also trying to get his dinner and assumed that I was angry at him so without reason he freaked out at me and called me a B***h.  Something I have become used to since his return.  Now before our marriage counseling I would have freaked out and starting yelling at him only making the situation worse but I have been trying to change my reactions so I simply told him that his behavior was uncalled for and rude.  He had no right to speak to me that way and he owed me an apology.  With that I walked away.  Since his return most days are like last night.  He can be completely fine but if I so much as look upset it sets him off and for the next couple of hours the living situation is hostile.

Every wife knows that day to day life can be difficult and no matter how hard we try we get angry from time to time.  Since his return home and his anger change those moments caused undue stress.  If I am in a bad mood he feeds off of it and for no reason at all freaks out.

Among his quick anger is his never ending need to be right all the time.  Now I know most men have the inability to admit they are wrong but he has gotten worse.  I can say something and he will hear something else entirely and next thing you know we are fighting.  It always starts with him telling me that I said something that I didn't say and no matter what I say he won't concede that maybe just maybe he could be wrong.

My point in telling you all of this is that with PTSD controlling their anger is almost impossible for them to do.  There are so many personality changes that a soldier with PTSD goes through and as hard as it is for us to deal with it is so much harder on them.  We can sit and wish they would stop acting like jerks and the whole time they are wishing they could be normal again.  As hard as it is to be ridiculed and treated like I don't matter I know deep down he doesn't mean it he can't help how he feels.  I see him struggle to keep calm and be happy.  I've watched him try to joke when he is miserable.  So from time to time he hurts my feelings I'll get over it but he will never get over his PTSD.   

Feeling Alone

Most men I have met don't like to show their sensitive sides.  I used to consider myself lucky because my husband was all man yet so amazingly sensitive to me.  I have been cursed with kidney stones as well as having asthma most of my life and yet when ever I have an attack its always the same.  I start to freak out which means before you know it I start to hyperventilate, get blurry vision, and come close to passing out.  My husband is the only person who can calm me down.  He has such an amazing ability to get me to calm down and before I know it the attack is gone. So when I got into my life changing accident he was amazing.  I remember thinking how wonderful he was and wondering how long before he got annoyed of my medical condition. 

To give you an idea of how bad it is for him let me give you a little idea of my life.  I am on a 10 pound for life weight limit, I am not allowed to walk for long periods of time, I am not suppose to do a majority of what normal people do.  I have days where I can barely move let alone cook him his dinner.  Because of the accident he is forced to do most everything at home after working a full day.  He has never complained and made me feel better about my life after the accident.  He has always been there for me and takes great care of me.  Well that is until Afghanistan. 

When my husband came home he seemed almost resentful of my accident and my injuries.  He told me shortly after coming home that he was tired of my medical issues.  He told me he was getting resentful of having to deal with me.  I was so hurt I couldn't believe that this amazing man was telling me he wasn't sure he could deal with me anymore. 

For so long after he came home it was stressful for me to mention that I needed him.  I felt like such a burden when I was hurting and needed his help.  I had times where I could barely move but he would come home and expect me to do my wifely duties and make his dinner.  This was all happening during the same time that he was talking about leaving me.  He said that was part of the reason he wanted to leave which made it even harder to ask for his help.  

There was one particular night that everything sort of came to a head.  I was placed on a new medication which my body didn't handle very well I was spending days at a time throwing up, I couldn't eat, my life was miserable.  We started having a heat wave and the side effects were getting worse.  It was shortly after my doctor appointment that I started having horrible pains, it was so bad I could barely breathe.  I fought the pain as long as I could but it kept getting worse.  I told my husband about it and he told me it was probably just another kidney stone I would be fine.  I told him I wanted to go to the hospital but instead he brought me home and told me to bear through it.  He left me at home while he took our daughter to her speech appointment.  When he was gone it got so bad that our friend called the ambulance to take me to the hospital.  When my husband got to the hospital he was furious with me and started yelling at me telling me I was selfish and thought only of myself.  He made me cry he was so cruel.  He chewed me out the whole time we were there.  It was a couple days later after the tests came back that we found out that though I did have a kidney stone it was made worse by severe dehydration.  If I hadn't gone to the hospital it would have been much worse for me. Which of course all he heard was that he was right. 

Shortly after that I started seeing a therapist about our marriage and asked him to do the same.  Things started to get better but I can still see from time to time the resentment creep back about my condition.  Most days he seems fine but when he is in one of his moods he is mean and hurtful and makes me feel like a burden.  I try not to take it personally even though the man that hit me ruined my life but it still hurts that my own husband sees me as a burden. 

It's kind of funny I am frustrated about how he treats me considering how bad I suffer from the pain and the injuries, yet I tend to forget about how bad the "pain" of PTSD is for him.  Sometimes I see my old husband shine through and then other days I wonder who the man is that shares my home.  I wish he could get the proper help he needs but like I said before men who seek help put a bulls-eye on themselves so most of them won't get the proper help. 

I tell you all of this for those of you that face the same thing.  So many personality traits change because of PTSD and as hard as it is for us it is far worse for them.  They don't want to treat us bad or constantly hurt us, they want normalcy back and to be themselves.  I know from experience how bad it hurts and I wish everyday that my husband could go back to normal but for now all I can do is be here for him and help guide him through this. 

I have said it before and I will say it again if anyone reading this has their own stories to tell or something they want to add please feel free to leave a comment.  I would love to hear from those of you who have had experiences with this as well. 

A Little Personal

I hope that tonight's post doesn't offend anyone but I feel it is important to cover all aspects of PSTD and this is one of them.  I have written about various behaviors that my husband has exhibited since coming home but tonight I am going to get personal.  Tonight's subject is one of those subjects that people tend to shy away from.  One thing I can say about our marriage is that our intimacy has always been strong.  As people get older sometimes the intimacy dies or suffers.  I am glad to say that has never been a problem for us. Well that is until Afghanistan came along.  When he came home like each man he wanted to be with me but it seemed to be so forced and lacking true intimacy.  After the initial welcome home sex wore off it got to be a quick impersonal act.  I have heard arguing about what women want in regards to sex but lets face it girls like a little foreplay and that is one of those things we lost.  It sort of became a wham bam thanks I'm good kind of thing. That is when it did happen meaning it would be once a week or once every couple weeks.  Of course like I said things weren't right with us when he came home and eventually I will get to that but for now I want to help those who are wondering why their sex life may be suffering.  When my husband deployed several other wives told me to prepare myself because that is one thing that would change when he came home.  Well they were right. 

Like I said before it has been almost a year since he came home and it is still hit and miss with us.  I remember thinking when he came home and things were wrong that he must not want me anymore.  I wondered if he thought I wasn't good enough which then turned into wondering if he was cheating on me.  He used to sit in our home and joke with his battle buddies about women and "getting it on" with them.  But then when it was just the two of us again he would ignore me.  I've had people tell me their experiences and how it could take somewhere up to a year for the sex life to go back to "normal".  I am not saying I am blameless in this but it is hard to be intimate with someone when you feel like your not important to them.  I used to think those other wives were crazy when they told me he would be less than intimate when he came home.  I mean if you knew my husband before deployment you would think he was well like a 21 year old single college guy.  He always wanted sex and he could never get enough.  But when he came home it was so different.  This wasn't the same guy. 

I read so many books about deployment and the aftermath, I spoke to others that have been through it, and I met with professionals who all told me that when they have a hard time with the intimacy in the marriage the sex will suffer too.  If you look at the list of symptoms it makes sense if the man can't say I love you why would he be able to have true intimacy.  But once again I didn't listen.  Instead I blamed him and accused him of not loving me anymore.  It took far too long for me to understand he needed help.  The worst part is that without help it will never be what it used to be. 

I guess what I am trying to get at tonight is that you need to remember that this could happen with your spouse.  I sincerely hope it doesn't I would never wish that on anyone but trust me when I tell you that it doesn't pay to ignore advice.  So if your spouse comes home and acts the same way try not to take it personally be patient and remember the struggle they go through.  Just stand by them and show them that you're there no matter how long it takes. 

A brief Detour

I wanted to take a step away from the norm to discuss something and hopefully get some feedback.  I have always had the desire to start my own business.  Before my husband joined the army I wanted to start an organization to help soldiers by sending care packages, holding monthly meetings for the spouses, take gift baskets to spouses with newborns, and more.  However at the time we lived in Des Moines, Iowa and there were very few people who shared my concern for our military.  No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get people there to care.  So I was forced to put my dreams on the back burner.  Then when my husband joined the army I thought it would be perfect.  With my husband now a part of the military maybe I could get more people involved.  So when we were assigned to Fort Carson I couldn't imagine a better place to start my organization.  A few weeks after we got settled I told my neighbor about my idea in the hopes that she would be willing to help.  I started doing research and looking into getting started when out of the blue my husband was called into the company and told to get me under control and stop this insane plan.  It turns out that the Garrison Commander's wife didn't like my idea of starting a group.  She thought it would step on her toes as an FRG leader.  I continued to find ways to make it work but the more I tried the more she pushed and caused problems for my husband.  In a very short time I was forced to yet again back burner my dreams.  But now that has all changed.  In a few short weeks we will be heading to Fort Stewart GA.  Since I am not officially part of that post or assigned to it I have the freedom to pursue my dreams. 

I tell you all of this in the hopes that who ever is reading this will give me some feedback.  Here is my dream: I plan to start a full service organization complete with monthly support group meetings.  I plan to offer services to new wives by working with the post to provide newcomer packets, provide gift baskets to wives with newborn babies, provide dinners to families that have wounded soldiers or new mothers, and finally to offer monthly meetings for wives of soldiers with PTSD.  I plan to get commercial backers to hopefully start retreats for families of PTSD soldiers and getaways for couples. 

With all that being said I need some help.  I have figured out the logistics of the organization but I am completely stumped in choosing a name.  I could use some help coming up with names so I can file for my 501c3 status and get this group started as soon as possible.  I believe that this group will benefit so many people.  I also would like it if anyone has ideas to make this group better I would welcome them. 

I know that this blog is to mainly discuss PTSD and what we wives face when we live with soldiers who have PTSD but tonight I wanted to let everyone know how good a group like this is.  So please let me know what you think. 

What is PTSD?

I have spent the last few days telling you about some of my experiences with PTSD but I haven't really given you any in-depth information about what PTSD is or what to look for.  Someone told me that 80 to 90% of men come home different from war, but only some of them suffer true PTSD. Most of them re-adjust to life at home and they are fine but the ones with PTSD can never quite make that adjustment.  To give you a better idea let me tell you some things about my husband.  Before he deployed he was the kind of guy who could lay on the couch fall asleep and not pay attention to the world around him.  He was mild mannered low tempered meaning it took a lot to get him angry.  He always had things under control and he laughed a lot.  He loved to joke around he was easy to get along with.  He loved going to movies or going on dates with me.  That all changed when he came home.  I remember the first time I took him to the store with me when he got back.  We were there only a few short minutes when he started to freak out.  His body language changed and he started to get hostile.  He couldn't handle standing in line with people behind him.  Every time someone would brush past him or look at him for a second too long he would start to puff out like he was getting ready to attack.  It got to be so bad that I told him to just go wait in the car I would be there shortly.  A few days later we went out to eat and I had to ask the waiter to move us to the back of the restaurant so that no one would be sitting behind him.  That was the only way he would be comfortable enough to enjoy our meal out together.  And even then he was constantly looking around keeping watch.  That was the mild behavior.  What really scared me was his driving.  My husband is a Class A driver's license holder  meaning a Commercial Driver he used to drive 18 wheels before joining the army.  Moving on though, shortly after he came home we had to make a trip out and you should know people have to be careful when I am in the vehicle due to my spine injuries recklessness can make it worse, but anyway we were driving when this lady veered into his lane and almost hit his truck.  Then she got attitude and cussed him out.  It was a bad idea on her part he freaked out, started swerving toward her like he wanted hit her car yelling at her and scaring me to death.  I had never been afraid of him before but there is a first time for everything.  It has been almost a year now but he still tends to lose it he is the king of road rage.  Even now when I ride with him if he gets angry the car turns into a weapon.  He has the worst time controlling his temper.  It used to be that it took a lot for him to get angry but now he goes from calm to angry in 60 seconds.  Once he is angry he can't calm down and most times involves him storming out or pushing everyone away.  But enough about his symptoms lets get to what to look for and common symptoms that your spouse may exhibit.  

There is a website that I found helpful and most of the stuff I am going to tell you comes from that site.  At the bottom of this post I will leave the site address for you to look at there is so much information there.  But for now I want to take bits and pieces for this posting.  Lets start with; what is PTSD?  

PTSD is described as this: The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following were present:

1. The person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others
2. The person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. 

For some PTSD can be brought on by a violent situation during war such as a shooting or an IED something of that nature but for others it can be an extreme emotional situation such as feeling like a loss of control or what they call shell shock (which means affected with combat fatigue, mentally confused, upset, or exhausted as a result of excessive stress).  PTSD can be considered acute which means lasting less than 3 months or chronic which means lasting more than 3 months.  

Now that we have discussed what PTSD is lets look at symptoms.  Some of the symptoms can come on quickly and others come on gradually.  In some cases the person can experience one or two at a time while others may have several symptoms at once.  The symptoms can come out of the blue or be triggered but an event, word, smell, image, or noise.  Here are some of the things to look for:

• Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
• Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
• Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
• Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
• Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

• Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
• Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
• Loss of interest in activities and life in general
• Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb(unable to show or express love)
• Sense of a limited future (lack of desire to marry, plan for future retirement, not expecting to have normal life span)

• Difficulty falling or staying asleep
• Irritability or outbursts of anger
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hyper-vigilance(on constant “red alert”)
• Feeling jumpy and easily startled

While my husband was deployed I had a friend stay with the kids and I who also suffered from PTSD.  It is amazing how different the symptoms can be from one person to the next.  I wouldn't say that this friend had a more severe case of PTSD just a different reaction to it.  He would get into moods where he would shut the world out.  He would go for hours to days without talking to anyone he would lose himself in video games. You could never tell if he was mad at you or just having one of his "moods".    

I can tell you that my husband has many of the symptoms on the list above.  And like I said before one person may have one or two symptoms while others may have all of them.  My husband has most of these symptoms some of them are mild while others make me worry about him.  For example when he came home the doctors gave him sleeping pills to help with his inability to fall asleep or stay that way.  But even those pills didn't work for him.  Now almost a year later he still has trouble sleeping but it is no where near as bad as when he first came home.  On the other hand his jumpiness has gotten worse.  Like the post from the other night when he jumped up and scared the kids.  The fact is that he suffers from chronic PTSD and these symptoms will never go away.  They could be better with proper medication but this is something he will have to deal with the rest of his life. In order to help him I have learned about PTSD and took the time to learn his moods so that I can help make things easier for him.  If I know he is having a day where he is irritable or can't sleep I don't choose those days to have in-depth conversations with him.  As a spouse of a soldier with PTSD you have to learn their moods, their symptoms, and their triggers so that you can avoid making it worse for them.

If your spouse or someone you know suffers from any of the above symptoms please encourage them to seek medical attention as soon as possible.  In the meantime please check out the following sites.  

As I stated before some of the information above is taken from these sites: 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

http://ptsdsupport.net/ptsd_symptoms.html

 

So Much to Learn

There are a few things every new army wife should learn when her husband joins the army.  I wished when my husband joined that they would have had army wives 101.  Lets start with this be careful who you listen to and what you take as fact.  When my husband joined the army he joined as a reservist but then they told us that he stood a higher chance of being deployed as a reservist than he would as active duty so he signed up for active duty.  Within a week we were assigned to Fort Carson.  We were so happy it had always been my dream to live in Colorado.  During his 10 day in-processing they gave him his assignment and what do you know he was sent to the unit deploying.  Less than 4 months later he deployed for the first time.  Lesson there don't believe everything they tell you. 

The next thing and in my opinion the most important thing is to learn what you can.  When my husband left for basic training so many people told me to beware that he would come home a completely different man.  That worried me since I had been with him for 12 years.  I didn't want him to change and honestly I worried that if he did he wouldn't want me anymore.  However, when he came home he was the same man though a bit more verbal than when he left but he was back.  That was all that mattered.  When he got his orders to deploy people started telling me all over again how going to war changes them and how the best thing I could do was take classes on what to expect when he arrived home.  Now to that I do agree.  I took a few classes on deployment and I read books about how to be a good army wife but I didn't pay close enough attention.  I assumed that I knew more than those that have been through it dozens of times.  I thought to myself that they all said the same thing about basic and he didn't change so they were wrong about deployment.  Nothing would happen he would come home the same as when he left.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  Among being told that he would change I was told that when they deploy the best thing you can do for them is to keep upbeat, don't give them bad news the last thing they need is to hear how bad things are for us considering how bad they are for them there.  I told my husband the advice I had been given and he told me not to even try to withhold information from him.  I should have listened to the advice of the people around me.  When my husband was in Afghanistan like he asked I would tell him everything it was so frustrating the responses I would get.  He would ask me to tell him what was going on, I would tell him then he would get angry and ask me what I expected him to do about it.  Then other days I would lie to him and tell him nothing was going on and he would get angry with me for not telling him.  It seemed that I could never win.  The stress got to be too much for him and two months before he was due home he finally cracked.  He ended up in the hospital over there with a minor heart attack.  From that day on he was never the same.  Which led to him coming home a completely different person.  I have spoken with some of his battle buddies and they all say the same thing the night he ended up in the hospital he changed the old man I knew was gone and in his place was this new guy who couldn't find happiness.  If I had listened to those around me and not put so much on him it wouldn't have happened.  The lesson in this is no matter how strong they say they are and how much they tell you they want to know what is going on at home don't tell them.  Adding to their stress over there is either going to make them frustrated or it could end up costing them their lives.  They need 100% focus over there anything less is deadly. 

I know a large part of my husband being diagnosed with PTSD is my fault I put way too much on him and it broke him.  If I could go back and take all the advice I had been given things would be different right now.  I know most of you reading this have already been through deployments and have dealt with the aftermath but if your reading this and your about to face your first deployment please take the advice you have been given and do everything in your power to make this time as easy for him as possible. 

Separation

As most army wives know separation is part of every marriage when your in the army.  I heard it best said once by a Captain's wife she said, "I didn't get married to be alone."  She had been married for 5 years and 4 of them she spent alone.  I didn't realize the day he signed the papers that I would become his mistress and the army would become his wife.  Deployment is hard on any marriage and no matter how many times you go through it, it never gets easier.

Just one year after my husbands return from Afghanistan he is being sent to Korea.  Most people would be happy its not a war zone but the feeling is a bit different when the soldier has PTSD.  I have said it before and I will say it again the moods and behaviors are so erratic that any time apart causes severe uneasiness. I can remember the long nights worrying, wondering what was happening, wondering if everything was okay, and getting excited that another day was gone we were one day closer to him coming home.  I could never have imagined it would be so hard having him back.  I was away when my husband came home so I had to come back to see him.  I drove for 8 hours so excited that I would be back with him finally back in his arms.  I met him at the post and when I pulled in I was so excited that I didn't even want to put the truck in park.  I was so excited to see him I ran to him to hug him but instead of the long hug and the drawn out kiss I expected I got a quick hug and then it was go wait for me while I deal with our child, now that is a long story but the point I am making is that he didn't seem to care that I was there just hours after he begged me to drop everything and come back to see him.  I remember sitting in the truck wondering why I came back just to be ignored.  It was like that for the first few weeks I spent days wondering why I came home to him just to be treated like baggage.  We spent more time arguing and fighting than we did being intimate.  It always seem to be over the little things.  I spent so much time yelling and arguing that I just wanted to throw in the towel and walk away.  I felt so alone when I should have been over joyed at my husband's return.

I had heard stories about homecomings and how great it was for them.  How couples would fall into each others arms and it was like a honeymoon all over again.  I longed for that I would lay in bed and wish I could have felt the way those wives must have felt.  It never happened days became weeks and it only got worse. 

Now here I am on the brink of another separation and I can't help but worry about what the future holds.  We have spent the last few months working on our marriage and making us the priority.  He tells me he loves me when only a few short months ago he couldn't make himself say the words.  But a large part of me still worries about another year apart when not even a year ago he was talking about leaving me.  So I guess this should have been titled separation and worry.  No matter how many times it happens or how strong you think your marriage is time apart is scary and it takes its toll on us. 

So my thought for tonight is this: you can have the best marriage in the world but when your married to a soldier with PTSD even the greatest marriage is a day to day relationship.  All you can do is remain strong and let them know your not going anywhere.  You will always be there for them.

Some days you want to give up

There are some days in a marriage when you wonder why you chose this life but when your an army wife those days become far to frequent.  As army wives know it is a tough job and sometimes days go by in silence since neither party wants to give in or admit they were wrong.  The hardest part though is when the spouse suffers from PTSD.  Like I said before the moods change so often that having an argument can take days if not longer.  I have noticed my husband tends to say things then not remember it or he hears something completely different than what I said and when I tell him he is wrong it starts a huge war. 

As an army wife you know that the marriage and family always comes after the army some days it doesn't bother you others you want to scream.  I had a day like that today.  I support the army and its men and women but today was one the days where hearing the word army set me off.  My husband has been slated to go to Korea.  With my medical issues we requested that those orders be cancelled but thanks to a few people in our current post they scared my husband into believing that if he doesn't go to Korea the army will kick him out.  I have been begging him to at least try and see if he can get them cancelled since we meet the medical requirements for deletion of orders but here we are a month away and he still hasn't done it.  So tonight I lost it. 

I try to be fair and not anger him because of the PTSD but tonight I didn't care.  That makes me human but also makes me cruel.  After awhile of trying not to make them mad or get them frustrated you tend to snap yourself and it makes it worse in the end.  I love my husband but since he came home from Afghanistan he tends to be childish when we fight.  Most adults work through their anger and yell, scream, argue it out but my husband acts like a child he gets mad, shuts people out telling them to shut up or just leave him alone, and storms out of the house.  So most times I try everything I can to make sure that I don't get him to that point, but like I said I snapped.  Take it from me that is the worst thing you can do and it only makes the issue worse and it will not solve anything.  After hours and I do mean hours of fighting there were still no answers and I am just as frustrated and angry as I was when the whole fight started.

As a married couple you get used to fights and arguments, when the spouse is army and deployed you get used to long distance fighting and having to wait until they get back online again to continue a fight.  But when your married to a soldier with PTSD some fights never get solved.  When my husband came home from Afghanistan he was angry and bitter.  He had every right to be what ever could go wrong did and it put a huge strain on our marriage.  The PTSD made everything worse and finally 4 months after he came home he told me he was thinking about divorce.  I was shocked he swore he would never do such a thing we have been married 14 years and he never used the word divorce not even in a fight.  So I told him what a counselor had told me.....never let them make life changing decisions the first 6 to12 months after a deployment.  She said that everything in their minds is made worse because of the hard adjustment to life back in the US.  I told him this and begged him to go to counseling with me to work on our marriage.  One night we went out to talk and he told me he wished he had cheated on me while he was deployed so he could know if our marriage was worth saving.  I was crushed and for the first time I realized that the man sitting across from me wasn't the same man I married.  At that moment I swore I would make things right on my end and try to help him with the PTSD so he wouldn't feel that way.

Anyway my point in telling you all of that was that I mentioned that to him tonight and he honestly didn't remember saying that to me even though it was only a few months ago.  I can only assume it was the anger and the bitterness of feeling lost and out of control that soldiers with PTSD feel.

I guess if I have any advice tonight it would be don't take what they say personally chances are in a couple months they won't remember it.  It is most likely the anger or the hurt talking not their true feelings.  So many fights and arguments can be solved if we as wives learn to let them vent without taking it to heart.  The best thing you can do is find a support system such as family, friends or a PTSD support group where you can vent without fear of adding stress to the marriage.

If any of you have had the same experiences of would like to share something please feel free to comment I would love to hear from you.  I would love to know if anything I am telling you is helping or not.   

Never a Dull Moment

When you live with someone who suffers from PTSD everyday is an adventure though sometimes not a good one.  I love my husband dearly but it seems as though I am always on alert doing what I can to make sure that I don't agitate him or set him off.  One thing you learn when your spouse suffers from PTSD is to judge the moods moment by moment and day by day.  In the blink of an eye he could go from happy to sad to hostile or depressed.  At first it seems like a lot of work but when it is someone you love it just becomes a part of daily life.

There are several new behaviors that a person with PTSD develops.  They are not the same for everyone and some may have more than the other.  My husband used to be a peaceful sleeper he would curl up in one position and sleep that way the whole night now he is a violent sleeper.  I have had a few bloody noses because of his flailing at night and several unexplained bruises.  He used to be calm, mild mannered, loving, gentle yet firm, he used to be able to relax and lose himself in the quiet.  Now he is always on alert as if he were still at war, easily angered, yells a lot, and seems to never fully relax.  Tonight is a great example of what I mean. 

When my husband came home from work tonight he was very sore he had pulled a muscle at work.  So I gave him some meds to help relieve the pain and told him to lie down on the couch and rest.  Now you should know this man doesn't believe in medication so he rarely takes any.  Now for a person who doesn't take medication it hits them harder than those who take if frequently.  He got very tired and fell asleep on the couch.  The kids and I just let him sleep in hopes that he would feel better.  Well after several hours of him resting I called for our son to tell him it was bed time.  All of a sudden without warning my husband jumps off the couch eyes bugged out and takes the fight stance.  Our daughter was lying on the floor watching a movie when this happened. She started to panic and moved away afraid that he was going to harm her (he has never hurt them and I do not believe he ever will). I called his name a few times which usually gets him to wake up and get his bearings but tonight it didn't work he continued to stand alert ready to strike while spinning around to make sure the enemy couldn't get him from behind.  I finally got a harsh voice and like you would to a dog I told him "sit".  I had no choice but to use a harsh tone to get his attention.  At this point I saw our son scared afraid to enter the living room and our daughter curled up on the floor tears in her eyes.  I then told my husband to get up and go to our room.  I ushered him out of the living room into our room and told him to go to bed.

I usually don't react that way to him or raise my voice as it tends to make things worse but when our children became frightened by him I had no choice but to get the situation under control immediately he will be okay but the kids they remember things like this.  It was important for me help them understand and calm them down.  I had the children sit down on the couch and I explained to them that sometimes daddy forgets that he is no longer in the war zone and that he won't hurt them he just gets protective and he thought we were being attacked.

Moments like these are frequent when your spouse has PTSD.  I will be honest and say it takes time to learn what to do, what not to do, and how to calm them down.  I am still learning.  It seems every time I think I have it down something new happens and I realize that everyday is different and what may have worked one day may not work the next.  As a spouse the best thing we can do is remain calm and remember they can't help it.  They aren't doing these things to annoy us so we can not take it personally.  I hold on to one thought.  It will get better!!!

Welcome!!!

Hi, My name is Stacy Hess. I am a wife and a mother.  I have two children a boy age 10 and a girl age 12.  I have been married for almost 14 years to the love of my life.  Just a few years ago my husband decided to leave his lucrative job to pursue his dream of serving in the armed forces.  So in 2009 my husband joined the US Army.  Just recently he served a tour in Afghanistan it was his first deployment.  It was a very stressful and lonely deployment for him.  You see I have some major medical problems due to a car accident and so my life is limited.  Because of this he was constantly worried about the kids and I which made his job there harder than it should have been.  Toward the end of his deployment things were getting worse at home and finally he snapped.  He was sent home early to recoup but he never did.  The man who came home to me was not the same man who left me almost a year earlier.  He was short tempered, couldn't sleep, always on edge, would freak out in a store, kept to himself,  and couldn't control his moods.  It really hurt our marriage and almost destroyed us. I begged him to seek help and that is when he was diagnosed with PTSD.  But like most men he claimed it was wrong he was fine, though those of us that knew him knew he wasn't.  I had always wanted to start my own business and I was preparing to start a non-profit organization for the military anyway but after seeing how little help there is out there for spouses and family of soldiers with PTSD I decided to focus my group on helping those like me.  I felt so alone and didn't know where to turn.  I couldn't truly understand what he was going through and it made things worse when I would yell at him for being a jerk yet in his mind he thought everything was okay.  I don't want other families to go through that.  It broke my kids hearts and though he would never hurt them they grew afraid of him.

I have found that PTSD is very common among soldiers and in a majority of them it goes untreated.  Like most mental  illnesses it makes them feel like less of a human to admit that they need help.  I've also noticed a stigma attached to having PTSD.  These men are looked at differently so most of them won't seek help to avoid being labeled by the army and the world around them.  I am hoping that this group will serve two purposes the first to help educate people about PTSD and the second to help wives who are struggling through this and feel like they have no place to turn.  I am hoping this group will give them a place to connect with other spouses and families to know that they aren't alone.  To give them strength to get through the hard times.