Broken

When someone we love gets hurt or sick our first instinct is to do everything we can to help them feel better.  We go above and beyond to show the sick person that we care about them.  Usually this is a good thing but for a soldier with PTSD it can back fire and cause more problems.  One thing I have learned from my husband is that most of the time he doesn't even know what he wants so there is no way for me to know.  I have been married for 14 years and know him better than anyone else but since his return from Afghanistan it is like living with a stranger.  The simple things he used to love now seem to annoy him and he gets so frustrated so easily at the little things I do to make him feel better.  As a spouse we tend to take it too personally when our other half lashes out at us (well at least I do), and it takes time to understand that they aren't doing it to you they just don't know what to do with themselves.  It has truly become a labor of love when trying to help my husband because prior to helping I first have to investigate the situation to see if there is anything I can do.  No longer can I look over at him and know in my head that all he needs is a cup of coffee or one of his blankets or whatever else he used to love  now I have to ask him permission to try and make him feel better which of course can set him off if his mood isn't right.  I don't like the phrase but it truly is handling him with kid gloves.  I spend a better part of my time trying to learn his new moods and recognizing them when they happen but that is not always accurate.

 Over the last few months I have learned that sometimes the best way to help him is to shut up and do nothing.  When he is ready he will come to me.  That part is hard for spouses and I understand why it is scary having someone you have known and loved for so long change completely and it is very hard to judge what they are going to do when they start doing things and acting in ways they never did before.  It can be almost terrifying waiting for them to come to you.  That was my problem at first.  When he came home he was so withdrawn that he didn't want to be near me and I was scared if I left him alone that he would never come back to me.  So I smothered him and made things harder on him.  It took counseling and marriage retreats and a lot of prayer to learn that what God plans will happen.  I had to trust that he loved me and he would eventually come to me like he always had before no matter how bad it hurt pushing him to want to be with me would only make it worse for both of us.  

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with PTSD and I still don't have all the answers and since his accident it has gotten worse.  I will be honest and say I screw up daily, I am learning his moods and his habits all over again now that the accident changed him yet again.  It is so hard watching someone you love fight within themselves to find happiness and knowing that there is nothing you can DO to help them is heart breaking.  So I figured I may not be able to make it better for him but I can be close by and love him no matter what he does or how hard it gets.  To me it isn't much but for them it is everything. 

No Rest for the Weary

It has been several weeks now since my husband's accident and things are not getting better.  I spoke previously about my husband's inability to sleep and how it has affected his PTSD.  So I titled this post "No Rest for the Weary." 

Upon my husband's return from Afghanistan he couldn't no matter how hard he tried get decent sleep.  Prior to the army and his deployment my husband would sleep 6 hours during the weekdays and on the weekends crash for 10-12 hours.  I used to get annoyed that he always slept the weekends away.  He was a deep sleeper on top of that.  I used to get frustrated because I would wake him up to ask him something get his answer then a few hours after he got up he would get mad at me for doing something without asking him.  He could carry on full conversations in his sleep and when he woke up he would be rested.  Now we are lucky if he gets 2 hours of sleep at night and 3 on the weekends.  His doctor prescribed a sleeping aide but we're lucky if it helps any.  No matter what tricks we try he still can't get proper rest. 


Lack of sleep and loss of sleep is very common when dealing with PTSD but it is hard for someone to understand just how difficult it is unless you live it.  I have been living with this since his return in 2011 and I can assure you that I have absolutely no idea how to be the perfect wife.  But no matter how hard it is for me, I can never imagine how hard it is for him.  What he goes through and how hard it is for him I will never understand and I would never pretend to.  The mistake I see a lot of spouses make is they try to be their spouse's shrink.  In fact at first I did the same thing.  I remember when he first came home I would try to analyze him and try to "fix" him.  I quickly learned that it was the best way to hurt the marriage and drive my spouse away.  While I spent my time trying to psychoanalyze him he was distancing himself hoping to get some peace.  It has been more than a year now and I have learned to be his friend, his Allie, his support, and his wife.  I learned to leave the analyzing to the doctors. 

It is important to understand that along with the lack of sleep comes severe mood changes.  I will be honest and say that these mood changes can drive you mad.  They start off mildly irritated but settle down fairly quickly from there they become more agitated and it takes a bit longer to settle down but they do calm down then it gets worse to where they are snapping and freaking out a majority of the time and just as soon as they settle down they freak out again.  It becomes difficult to handle as they are spending a majority of time yelling at everything and everyone.  It does get hard to not lash out at them but the more you lose it the more they stay agitated.  As hard as it is the best thing you can do is stay calm find something that calms you and rely on that. 

Just remember the moves you make will affect your soldier.  Everything you do or don't do affects them.  I understand that it is a lot to take in and most of us didn't sign up for this life but as a spouse it is important to put your soldier before yourself and do what is best for them.  That is why I am starting my non profit organization....I want to provide a place where spouses can come and let loose the stresses of this life.  A place where they can find peace and hope to be better for their spouse.  That is my goal and I hope that you will join me.

Frustrations

It has been awhile since my last post and sad to say things haven't improved much.  It has been over 5 weeks since my husband's accident and there has been little improvement.  With each day that he is home from work and suffering his moods continue to decline.  The PTSD was always noticeable before the accident but since then the moods and the attitudes have gotten worse.  Everyday is a different attitude and mood that I have to learn.  Before the accident I had started to figure out his moods and learn when to back off and when to try to help.  Now his moods are so sporadic and unstable that there is no learning the pattern.  One minute he is fine watching TV and the next he is very angry and yelling needlessly then as quickly as it started he calms down and apologizes for his outburst.  This happens several times a day making it difficult to judge the patterns and figure out how to respond. 

One of the things they tell you as the spouse of a PTSD soldier is to learn your soldiers moods and try to not react to every thing they do.  They teach you to learn and listen.  It is vital to the soldiers well being and the marriage for the spouse to learn when and how to react to the moods and attitudes of the soldier.  The spouse is to take mental note of the soldiers up and downs the point of this is to be able to recognize the warning signs for potential harm to themselves or others.  If the spouse does their part well they can easily recognize the potential hazards and help to keep the soldier from hurting themselves.  With that said there is no 100% guarantee that this will work all the time but it will help if the spouse is active in the soldiers recovery.  I myself have learned this first hand.  For the last year I have spent my days learning my husbands patterns and triggers.  I spent so much time learning the best ways to defuse a mood and to react and most important when to just shut up.  I will be the first to admit learning is easy but doing isn't.  I have learned but so many times failed to execute.  No matter how hard we try we are human and tend to react to our spouses moods whether intentional or not.  No body is perfect so from time to time we are going to react and make matters worse.  That has been my problem the last couple of weeks.  Like I mentioned before my husband's PTSD is getting worse and seems that nothing makes him happy right now.  My husband has always been a work horse and gives 100% at everything he does.  So for him to be laid up like this it makes his PTSD worse.  Being stuck at home unable to go to work messes with his head and that is a dangerous thing for a soldier with PTSD.  They need some sense of normalcy in order to keep them from going off the deep end.  So for him to not be in control of what is happening to him makes him crazy.  The worst thing that a soldier with PTSD can have happen if for them to lose control.  In order for them to sort of level out they need consistency and to be in control of their environment which is why when they go out in public they have to be seated in a place where they can see what is going on around them.  It is a comfort thing as well as a control thing. 

Another issue that we have faced since the accident is a more intense lack of sleep.  Like I mentioned before my husband hasn't slept well since his return from Afghanistan and now after the accident he sleeps even less.  His best nights sleep was a total of 2 hours 45 minutes.  The doctors have given him medication which does absolutely nothing for him.  Each night he goes without sleep his attitudes and moods continue to go downhill.  It makes it really hard to have a normal conversation with him when he is always on edge from the lack of sleep. 

Like I said every day is a challenge and sometimes it seems there is no end in sight but just one smile from him reminds me why I am here.  So my thought for tonight is to enjoy the good days they may be far and few between but when it gets tough remember that it can always get worse.  Be thankful for your spouses mild days and even though it is hard make sure you give them room to be who they need to be meaning don't get mad at them for freaking out or ruining a moment.  They can't help how they feel.  Whether or not they say so they do appreciate all you are doing even though they may not be able to vocalize it.  Your standing by them gives them the drive to go on.  Never forget that. 

Never Ending

As you have noticed I have been away for awhile.  It has been so difficult here and I haven't been able to find the time to write.  We're almost a month into my husband's recovery from his accident and I am starting to feel the stress of it. 

Life has been so very different since his return from Afghanistan and the diagnosis of PTSD,  I feel like I still don't have it all down yet.  Learning new behaviors and learning new ways to communicate is stressful and to be honest I still haven't mastered it.  I constantly find myself wishing I had done something or said something different to make things easier but then another bad day comes and once again I screw up and end up doing the shoulda, coulda game.  After months of learning by failure I am finally starting to get it right.  Well that is until the accident now here I am starting over.

With each day that goes by my husband gets more and more depressed and more and more irritable.  Every day is something new and though I see him trying he can't control it for long and then its like the flood gates open and he starts pouring out attitude and resentment toward his injuries.  Last week he started seeing the TBI clinic and they suggested he start taking something.  So the doctor prescribed him Elavil mostly to help with his headache but also to help with his moods.  I don't like medication that can alter moods but even I thought it was a good idea.  The downside is that the medication doesn't seem to be working for him as he has started getting more irritable and not even trying to control it.  For the last few weeks I have been operating on very little sleep and in a tremendous amount of pain just to take care of him and our children.  The added pressure has made it so difficult for me to be the wife I should be.  Today in fact was a good example of me losing it.  I was so crabby and found myself needlessly arguing with my husband over stuff that didn't matter.  It doesn't take much to get him rattled so my outbursts and frustrations were a fuse to an already explosive situation. 

As things are right now my husband hasn't been released back to work and I am not sure when he will be released so for now the best I can do is try. However I will be the first to say that saying I will try is easy but actually holding my tongue when my husband frustrates me is so much more difficult to follow through on.  Every day I have to wake up and remind myself that he can't help how he feels for years I begged him to understand that right or wrong feelings exist and they need to be respected.  God gave us all feelings and it is only right that we respect the feelings of those around us we don't have to agree or even like others feelings but we do need to listen and take to heart the feelings of our spouses.  It gets hard to do sometimes and the stresses of life tend to make us hard-hearted and bitter,  and honestly we as humans tend to be selfish by nature but if we were to take a few moments of our lives to see things from someones elses point of view maybe we wouldn't fight so much.  Imagine having a bunch of feelings and fears that you don't understand and mood swings that make you doubt yourself and no one to take your hand and let you know its going to be okay.  These men with PTSD are going through that; they have all these feelings and fears that they never used to have and mood swings that make them feel like they aren't real men and insane thoughts that we think less of them for it.  What they need from us is to give them the same respect and compassion that we demand of them. 

I know the pain that my husband is going through from this accident I have been there and to add to that the mood swings and issues of his PTSD its no wonder that he is easily agitated and annoyed.  So the best thing I can do for him is to sit back keep my mouth shut and lend a shoulder when he needs it. 

My request to all of you is to do the same as hard as it is and no matter how much you want to run away screaming from time to time think about the times that your spouse has been there for you and helped you through the ups and downs of your life and then try to meet your spouse half way.  Trust me it won't be a magical fix to your marriage but it will help. 

Depression

One of the hardest things a soldier with PTSD has to do is to admit he is suffering.  For my husband admitting weakness has always been hard more like virtually impossible for him.  Men have a hard time being vulnerable and when they suffer from PTSD it makes it even harder for them because they feel they are seen as weak and pathetic.  That is why so many of them refuse to get help. 

For the past two weeks my husband has been trying to recover from a MVA which took its toll on his body.  He has been miserable to say the least.  But the hardest part of his recovery is the battle over depression.  For the last week he has been getting increasingly depressed, crabby, easily angered, and easily annoyed.

Today he told me he has been having what he calls dark dreams and he finds himself depressed and moody.  For a man with PTSD those can be scary symptoms.  I know my husband and PTSD or not he isn't violent though you can never count it out that someday they could be.  The point of this post is to talk about how easy it is for a soldier with PTSD to get depressed.

Back in the beginning of the blog I gave a detailed listing of symptoms and depression is one of them.  Every human is capable of being depressed and some will battle it their whole life.  I have met a few soldiers with PTSD and found that they have at some point shortly after being diagnosed with PTSD had depression.  The ones I know do a fairly good job of handling the depression and finding ways to battle it without having to give in to it.   For the most part they are happy as they can be but they have all told me that it is far too easy for the them to get depressed.  They have also told me that they stay busy to avoid depression so what happens when one gets laid up and they can't live their life like normal?  We as humans like to be on the move, we jump head first into projects to avoid living an empty life and when we start to feel down most of us search for things to do.  Most of us end up feeling depressed when we get laid up.  I know that when I am hurt and unable to do anything I get depressed easily and quite moody.  Imagine how you are when you are sick or injured and you can't do the things you like to do.  How do you react?  Do you get depressed?  Now try to imagine how a soldier with PTSD feels.  These men spend their time doing everything they can to "make the PTSD go away", they jump into work, projects, and hobbies.  So imagine the reaction when they get hurt and are forced to spend long periods of time laid up, with nothing else to do but think.  That can be dangerous for them. 

This last week or so I have been trying to find things to take his mind off of his being laid up.  What works the most for him is watching TV shows he's never seen before.  I have learned the best thing you can do is not make it a psychology session.  That means don't start asking them a bunch of questions.  Back when I took classes about PTSD the instructor told us never ask them to talk, let them come to you and practice silence.  If anything I say in these posts is helpful let it be that.  Forcing them to talk or constantly questioning them makes things worse for them.  The best thing you can do is just be a shoulder let them come to you.  It is the hardest thing to do especially since we are by nature curious but I learned right away to wait for him to talk.  As time goes by he tells me more and more.  Now he is to the point where he tells me how he is feeling.  Six months ago he would never have done that.  For the first four months after he came home he wouldn't even talk about his time in Afghanistan now he is starting to tell me his stories. 

Depression is a part of life and most of us can make it through life without losing the battle; those with PTSD aren't so lucky.  The last thing any of us should do is play psychologist to our soldier.  They are going to have good days but unfortunately they will also have bad days just remember the best thing you can do is be there for them, quietly!  Sit by their side, be their friend, hold their hand whatever they need but let them talk when they are ready.  No matter how hard it is remember don't ask questions they will come to you when they feel they can trust you.  

Finally the most important part if you feel that they are not responding to you and they are getting worse DON'T be afraid to get them some help.  So many incidents can be avoided if those closest to the soldier pay attention to the warning signs. 

Helpless

One thing I am understanding more and more is that no matter how much I learn or how much I live it I can never make the PTSD go away for my husband.  Like I mentioned in previous posts my husband has never handled time away from work very well.  Like any person he loves vacation time but anything beyond that he tends to get moody and depressive.  Now here he is two weeks off of work and though he knows he isn't ready to go back he is starting to feel the sadness and depression set in.  Imagine that added to the PTSD that already messes with his emotions. 

This accident seems to have intensified his PTSD symptoms.  Before the accident he suffered from lack of sleep, mood swings, and depression.  Since the accident his sleeping has gotten worse to the point where he doesn't want to go to bed for fear of laying awake in bed.  His moods have gotten more aggressive in the sense that he yells then his head starts throbbing and pulsating at the same time making him regret using his voice.  Just tonight he told me that he is starting to feel depressed.  He is having a hard time dealing with what is happening to him.  He knows his body is no where near ready to return to the job but he still can't help feeling depressed. 

The worst part about this is that there is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to make him feel better.  I can tell him I understand, I can sit and hold his hand, and I can hold him but it doesn't change how he feels.  That is the hard part about PTSD; knowing that sometimes there is nothing you can do.  There is no worse feeling as a spouse then to know that you can't fix this for them.  The best you can do is stay close by and let them know you are there for them. 

So tonight I find myself sadden because the man I pledged before God and friends to love is having a hard time dealing with everything and there is nothing I can do to make it better.  All the classes and the information on PTSD doesn't prepare you for the feeling of helplessness that you get when you watch them suffer and you can't do anything about it.  I know this sounds depressing and you may wonder if it is all that bad why bother but I tell you that on their good days everything you go through is worth it to see them smile just once. 

I guess my advice tonight is for myself and that advice is to hang on, be patient, and know that soon he will find his way through and smile again.  No matter how dark it may seem the old cliche is right "the sun will come out tomorrow". 

Bewitched

Tonight I was watching Charmed with my husband and there was one episode where the lead character referenced the show Bewitched and how Samantha would twitch her nose to make things happen.  I found myself focused on this wishing that I could possess that ability. 

As you know my husband was in a horrible accident and suffered a concussion as well as unknown injuries.  He is currently on a 10 day Con leave from the army.  I have been with this man for 15 years and he has never done well with extensive time off and he is a bit hard to handle when he is sick so imagine how difficult it would be to have him home from work and laid up.  For the last several days his attitude has been increasingly worse and hard to handle. 

It has been almost two weeks since his accident now and though his head is getting a little bit better his back and neck are getting worse.  He has the worst time getting comfortable and he can't sleep very well.  We have tried everything and finally had to resort to giving him melatonin to help him sleep.  Now he is finally getting some sleep though he is waking up in so much pain that he can barely walk.  He gets weak and tired easily.  Just yesterday the insurance company settled the truck with us and so I had to have him go with me to the bank since the check was in his name.  All he had to do was ride to the bank with me and then come home.  Not more than 5 minutes outside the house he started getting nauseous and his head started hurting.  I gave him some meds to help him fight the nausea which helped only a bit but his back began to bother him more than usual.  The whole trip he was miserable and crabby, nothing I did was right.  He spent most of the trip hurling insults at me making me feel like crap. 

I know he's miserable and having gone through what he's been through I understand how hard it is.  He once told me that when I get overly sore I tend to be a "b***h" to everyone around and show a lack of care for those around me.  Now he is doing the same.  He just reacts without thinking and though I know how he feels those around him like our children don't understand.  He has always had a high tolerence for pain which amazed me.  He could get hurt and still work.  His pain level is not like most people.  What would be a level 6 or 7 for most is a 3 or 4 for him.  Now that he has been in the accident and I see how bad he hurts I can't help but wonder what his pain is really at.  If he has always tolerated pain well  but now he can't get comfortable does that mean he is having a level 10 pain and if so what would that be for someone like me?  So knowing this I tend to let him get away with his attitude problems. 

The down side to all of this is that like I mentioned before; with his PTSD he has mood swings and can be difficult to be around sometimes.  Now that he is in a large amount of pain and unable to go to  work he is even more irritable than before.  So mixing his PTSD with his new anger has made the last week challenging to say the least.  I find myself getting angry but then I remember that he can't help it and I am forced to put aside my own frustrations and do what I can to make his day a bit better. 

In the beginning of this post I referenced Samantha from Bewitched and how if I could I would twitch away his pain and make things better for him, but since I can't I am finding ways to make things easier.  I will however be honest and say that the army sometimes doesn't seem to make that an easy task.  Last week he went to see his PCM and she gave him 10 days of Con Leave.  I was frustrated and annoyed, anyone who have practiced medicine or been in an accident knows that something that severe doesn't heal in 10 days.  So now we have to go back this week to get more time off for him.  The man can barely get dressed on his own without needing a nap and yet his PCM thinks he should be heading back to work.  All of this and they still haven't done an MRI to determine how bad his spine is.  After the accident they postponed his orders to Korea for 30 days and while I appreciate that I know that he won't be ready.  I have been through a major accident and still suffer from the pain.  I know that my T-bone was nothing compared to his 22 ft drop off a cliff and rolling his vehicle.  All I can think is if my body was that messed up from a simple accident how bad is his after rolling his truck and falling off a cliff?  Just the other day he told me he needed a shower he couldn't stand feeling dirty so I helped him get into the shower and about 10 minutes later he came out staggering to the couch and laid down.  He told me he was so exhausted he needed a nap.  Just taking a shower took all the energy he had away.   Here is a man who can't stand feeling helpless and he can't eve do the simple things that people tend to take for granted.  What worries me the most is that he is moving from the living room to the bedroom and yet they haven't done the MRI to figure out how bad he is hurt.  Which leaves me with the question of how can he be ready to head to Korea if they don't know the extent of his injuries?   I do need to clarify that his company has been great and so my complaint tonight is not directed toward them but toward the PCM that he has to see.  When we were there last week he had virtually no range of motion and call me crazy but a truck driver needs to be able to move freely something he hasn't achieved yet. 

Now my purpose of tonight's post isn't to rag on the army or to complain but to say that if I could I would change how they see things.  Samantha could twitch her nose and fix things and if I could I would twitch my nose and make things easier on my husband.  I know how it feels to be in overwhelming pain and have people act like your the one that is crazy.  Part of me wonders if they are trying to overlook the pain and the injuries because they need him to go to Korea.  I am sure that I am overreacting but I see a man who at this point is finding it hard to smile, who spends most of his day trying to find a comfortable position to sit in, who has to rely on his wife and children to get him a drink, and who watches his wife do things that tire me out just to help him; and I think to myself why can't I just twitch my nose and change everything?  It's moments like this that make the PTSD harder for him.  He already feels like he isn't doing his part because of the injuries and now because of the PTSD his head is telling him that he is pathetic. 

I guess my point for tonight is to be patient I have said it before but I will say it again, have patience with your soldier.  The PTSD will never go away but with help they can learn to live with it and have some semblance of a normal life.  It takes a lot for you as the spouse to deal with their behaviors and moods on a daily basis and patience along with a lot of prayer can help you get through but if they end up adding another traumatic event to the existing PTSD you will wish you to could just twitch your nose.  That is why it is best to start practicing patience now so that if it does happen to you, you can face it better.  I am not good with patience and I won't pretend to be so it makes day to day life more challenging because I am constantly having to step back or walk away until I calm down so I don't freak out on him for something he can't control.  If I had learned patience before instead of attacking him I wouldn't be making him feel like less of a man because he can't help what he is going through now.  I hope that tonight's post helps some of you and I do apologize for the delay in posting.  Right now my focus has to be on my husband and I am sure you all understand that, but I will do my best to keep my posts updated.