As you have noticed I have been away for awhile. It has been so difficult here and I haven't been able to find the time to write. We're almost a month into my husband's recovery from his accident and I am starting to feel the stress of it.
Life has been so very different since his return from Afghanistan and the diagnosis of PTSD, I feel like I still don't have it all down yet. Learning new behaviors and learning new ways to communicate is stressful and to be honest I still haven't mastered it. I constantly find myself wishing I had done something or said something different to make things easier but then another bad day comes and once again I screw up and end up doing the shoulda, coulda game. After months of learning by failure I am finally starting to get it right. Well that is until the accident now here I am starting over.
With each day that goes by my husband gets more and more depressed and more and more irritable. Every day is something new and though I see him trying he can't control it for long and then its like the flood gates open and he starts pouring out attitude and resentment toward his injuries. Last week he started seeing the TBI clinic and they suggested he start taking something. So the doctor prescribed him Elavil mostly to help with his headache but also to help with his moods. I don't like medication that can alter moods but even I thought it was a good idea. The downside is that the medication doesn't seem to be working for him as he has started getting more irritable and not even trying to control it. For the last few weeks I have been operating on very little sleep and in a tremendous amount of pain just to take care of him and our children. The added pressure has made it so difficult for me to be the wife I should be. Today in fact was a good example of me losing it. I was so crabby and found myself needlessly arguing with my husband over stuff that didn't matter. It doesn't take much to get him rattled so my outbursts and frustrations were a fuse to an already explosive situation.
As things are right now my husband hasn't been released back to work and I am not sure when he will be released so for now the best I can do is try. However I will be the first to say that saying I will try is easy but actually holding my tongue when my husband frustrates me is so much more difficult to follow through on. Every day I have to wake up and remind myself that he can't help how he feels for years I begged him to understand that right or wrong feelings exist and they need to be respected. God gave us all feelings and it is only right that we respect the feelings of those around us we don't have to agree or even like others feelings but we do need to listen and take to heart the feelings of our spouses. It gets hard to do sometimes and the stresses of life tend to make us hard-hearted and bitter, and honestly we as humans tend to be selfish by nature but if we were to take a few moments of our lives to see things from someones elses point of view maybe we wouldn't fight so much. Imagine having a bunch of feelings and fears that you don't understand and mood swings that make you doubt yourself and no one to take your hand and let you know its going to be okay. These men with PTSD are going through that; they have all these feelings and fears that they never used to have and mood swings that make them feel like they aren't real men and insane thoughts that we think less of them for it. What they need from us is to give them the same respect and compassion that we demand of them.
I know the pain that my husband is going through from this accident I have been there and to add to that the mood swings and issues of his PTSD its no wonder that he is easily agitated and annoyed. So the best thing I can do for him is to sit back keep my mouth shut and lend a shoulder when he needs it.
My request to all of you is to do the same as hard as it is and no matter how much you want to run away screaming from time to time think about the times that your spouse has been there for you and helped you through the ups and downs of your life and then try to meet your spouse half way. Trust me it won't be a magical fix to your marriage but it will help.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Depression
One of the hardest things a soldier with PTSD has to do is to admit he is suffering. For my husband admitting weakness has always been hard more like virtually impossible for him. Men have a hard time being vulnerable and when they suffer from PTSD it makes it even harder for them because they feel they are seen as weak and pathetic. That is why so many of them refuse to get help.
For the past two weeks my husband has been trying to recover from a MVA which took its toll on his body. He has been miserable to say the least. But the hardest part of his recovery is the battle over depression. For the last week he has been getting increasingly depressed, crabby, easily angered, and easily annoyed.
Today he told me he has been having what he calls dark dreams and he finds himself depressed and moody. For a man with PTSD those can be scary symptoms. I know my husband and PTSD or not he isn't violent though you can never count it out that someday they could be. The point of this post is to talk about how easy it is for a soldier with PTSD to get depressed.
Back in the beginning of the blog I gave a detailed listing of symptoms and depression is one of them. Every human is capable of being depressed and some will battle it their whole life. I have met a few soldiers with PTSD and found that they have at some point shortly after being diagnosed with PTSD had depression. The ones I know do a fairly good job of handling the depression and finding ways to battle it without having to give in to it. For the most part they are happy as they can be but they have all told me that it is far too easy for the them to get depressed. They have also told me that they stay busy to avoid depression so what happens when one gets laid up and they can't live their life like normal? We as humans like to be on the move, we jump head first into projects to avoid living an empty life and when we start to feel down most of us search for things to do. Most of us end up feeling depressed when we get laid up. I know that when I am hurt and unable to do anything I get depressed easily and quite moody. Imagine how you are when you are sick or injured and you can't do the things you like to do. How do you react? Do you get depressed? Now try to imagine how a soldier with PTSD feels. These men spend their time doing everything they can to "make the PTSD go away", they jump into work, projects, and hobbies. So imagine the reaction when they get hurt and are forced to spend long periods of time laid up, with nothing else to do but think. That can be dangerous for them.
This last week or so I have been trying to find things to take his mind off of his being laid up. What works the most for him is watching TV shows he's never seen before. I have learned the best thing you can do is not make it a psychology session. That means don't start asking them a bunch of questions. Back when I took classes about PTSD the instructor told us never ask them to talk, let them come to you and practice silence. If anything I say in these posts is helpful let it be that. Forcing them to talk or constantly questioning them makes things worse for them. The best thing you can do is just be a shoulder let them come to you. It is the hardest thing to do especially since we are by nature curious but I learned right away to wait for him to talk. As time goes by he tells me more and more. Now he is to the point where he tells me how he is feeling. Six months ago he would never have done that. For the first four months after he came home he wouldn't even talk about his time in Afghanistan now he is starting to tell me his stories.
Depression is a part of life and most of us can make it through life without losing the battle; those with PTSD aren't so lucky. The last thing any of us should do is play psychologist to our soldier. They are going to have good days but unfortunately they will also have bad days just remember the best thing you can do is be there for them, quietly! Sit by their side, be their friend, hold their hand whatever they need but let them talk when they are ready. No matter how hard it is remember don't ask questions they will come to you when they feel they can trust you.
Finally the most important part if you feel that they are not responding to you and they are getting worse DON'T be afraid to get them some help. So many incidents can be avoided if those closest to the soldier pay attention to the warning signs.
For the past two weeks my husband has been trying to recover from a MVA which took its toll on his body. He has been miserable to say the least. But the hardest part of his recovery is the battle over depression. For the last week he has been getting increasingly depressed, crabby, easily angered, and easily annoyed.
Today he told me he has been having what he calls dark dreams and he finds himself depressed and moody. For a man with PTSD those can be scary symptoms. I know my husband and PTSD or not he isn't violent though you can never count it out that someday they could be. The point of this post is to talk about how easy it is for a soldier with PTSD to get depressed.
Back in the beginning of the blog I gave a detailed listing of symptoms and depression is one of them. Every human is capable of being depressed and some will battle it their whole life. I have met a few soldiers with PTSD and found that they have at some point shortly after being diagnosed with PTSD had depression. The ones I know do a fairly good job of handling the depression and finding ways to battle it without having to give in to it. For the most part they are happy as they can be but they have all told me that it is far too easy for the them to get depressed. They have also told me that they stay busy to avoid depression so what happens when one gets laid up and they can't live their life like normal? We as humans like to be on the move, we jump head first into projects to avoid living an empty life and when we start to feel down most of us search for things to do. Most of us end up feeling depressed when we get laid up. I know that when I am hurt and unable to do anything I get depressed easily and quite moody. Imagine how you are when you are sick or injured and you can't do the things you like to do. How do you react? Do you get depressed? Now try to imagine how a soldier with PTSD feels. These men spend their time doing everything they can to "make the PTSD go away", they jump into work, projects, and hobbies. So imagine the reaction when they get hurt and are forced to spend long periods of time laid up, with nothing else to do but think. That can be dangerous for them.
This last week or so I have been trying to find things to take his mind off of his being laid up. What works the most for him is watching TV shows he's never seen before. I have learned the best thing you can do is not make it a psychology session. That means don't start asking them a bunch of questions. Back when I took classes about PTSD the instructor told us never ask them to talk, let them come to you and practice silence. If anything I say in these posts is helpful let it be that. Forcing them to talk or constantly questioning them makes things worse for them. The best thing you can do is just be a shoulder let them come to you. It is the hardest thing to do especially since we are by nature curious but I learned right away to wait for him to talk. As time goes by he tells me more and more. Now he is to the point where he tells me how he is feeling. Six months ago he would never have done that. For the first four months after he came home he wouldn't even talk about his time in Afghanistan now he is starting to tell me his stories.
Depression is a part of life and most of us can make it through life without losing the battle; those with PTSD aren't so lucky. The last thing any of us should do is play psychologist to our soldier. They are going to have good days but unfortunately they will also have bad days just remember the best thing you can do is be there for them, quietly! Sit by their side, be their friend, hold their hand whatever they need but let them talk when they are ready. No matter how hard it is remember don't ask questions they will come to you when they feel they can trust you.
Finally the most important part if you feel that they are not responding to you and they are getting worse DON'T be afraid to get them some help. So many incidents can be avoided if those closest to the soldier pay attention to the warning signs.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Helpless
One thing I am understanding more and more is that no matter how much I learn or how much I live it I can never make the PTSD go away for my husband. Like I mentioned in previous posts my husband has never handled time away from work very well. Like any person he loves vacation time but anything beyond that he tends to get moody and depressive. Now here he is two weeks off of work and though he knows he isn't ready to go back he is starting to feel the sadness and depression set in. Imagine that added to the PTSD that already messes with his emotions.
This accident seems to have intensified his PTSD symptoms. Before the accident he suffered from lack of sleep, mood swings, and depression. Since the accident his sleeping has gotten worse to the point where he doesn't want to go to bed for fear of laying awake in bed. His moods have gotten more aggressive in the sense that he yells then his head starts throbbing and pulsating at the same time making him regret using his voice. Just tonight he told me that he is starting to feel depressed. He is having a hard time dealing with what is happening to him. He knows his body is no where near ready to return to the job but he still can't help feeling depressed.
The worst part about this is that there is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to make him feel better. I can tell him I understand, I can sit and hold his hand, and I can hold him but it doesn't change how he feels. That is the hard part about PTSD; knowing that sometimes there is nothing you can do. There is no worse feeling as a spouse then to know that you can't fix this for them. The best you can do is stay close by and let them know you are there for them.
So tonight I find myself sadden because the man I pledged before God and friends to love is having a hard time dealing with everything and there is nothing I can do to make it better. All the classes and the information on PTSD doesn't prepare you for the feeling of helplessness that you get when you watch them suffer and you can't do anything about it. I know this sounds depressing and you may wonder if it is all that bad why bother but I tell you that on their good days everything you go through is worth it to see them smile just once.
I guess my advice tonight is for myself and that advice is to hang on, be patient, and know that soon he will find his way through and smile again. No matter how dark it may seem the old cliche is right "the sun will come out tomorrow".
This accident seems to have intensified his PTSD symptoms. Before the accident he suffered from lack of sleep, mood swings, and depression. Since the accident his sleeping has gotten worse to the point where he doesn't want to go to bed for fear of laying awake in bed. His moods have gotten more aggressive in the sense that he yells then his head starts throbbing and pulsating at the same time making him regret using his voice. Just tonight he told me that he is starting to feel depressed. He is having a hard time dealing with what is happening to him. He knows his body is no where near ready to return to the job but he still can't help feeling depressed.
The worst part about this is that there is nothing I can say and nothing I can do to make him feel better. I can tell him I understand, I can sit and hold his hand, and I can hold him but it doesn't change how he feels. That is the hard part about PTSD; knowing that sometimes there is nothing you can do. There is no worse feeling as a spouse then to know that you can't fix this for them. The best you can do is stay close by and let them know you are there for them.
So tonight I find myself sadden because the man I pledged before God and friends to love is having a hard time dealing with everything and there is nothing I can do to make it better. All the classes and the information on PTSD doesn't prepare you for the feeling of helplessness that you get when you watch them suffer and you can't do anything about it. I know this sounds depressing and you may wonder if it is all that bad why bother but I tell you that on their good days everything you go through is worth it to see them smile just once.
I guess my advice tonight is for myself and that advice is to hang on, be patient, and know that soon he will find his way through and smile again. No matter how dark it may seem the old cliche is right "the sun will come out tomorrow".
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Bewitched
Tonight I was watching Charmed with my husband and there was one episode where the lead character referenced the show Bewitched and how Samantha would twitch her nose to make things happen. I found myself focused on this wishing that I could possess that ability.
As you know my husband was in a horrible accident and suffered a concussion as well as unknown injuries. He is currently on a 10 day Con leave from the army. I have been with this man for 15 years and he has never done well with extensive time off and he is a bit hard to handle when he is sick so imagine how difficult it would be to have him home from work and laid up. For the last several days his attitude has been increasingly worse and hard to handle.
It has been almost two weeks since his accident now and though his head is getting a little bit better his back and neck are getting worse. He has the worst time getting comfortable and he can't sleep very well. We have tried everything and finally had to resort to giving him melatonin to help him sleep. Now he is finally getting some sleep though he is waking up in so much pain that he can barely walk. He gets weak and tired easily. Just yesterday the insurance company settled the truck with us and so I had to have him go with me to the bank since the check was in his name. All he had to do was ride to the bank with me and then come home. Not more than 5 minutes outside the house he started getting nauseous and his head started hurting. I gave him some meds to help him fight the nausea which helped only a bit but his back began to bother him more than usual. The whole trip he was miserable and crabby, nothing I did was right. He spent most of the trip hurling insults at me making me feel like crap.
I know he's miserable and having gone through what he's been through I understand how hard it is. He once told me that when I get overly sore I tend to be a "b***h" to everyone around and show a lack of care for those around me. Now he is doing the same. He just reacts without thinking and though I know how he feels those around him like our children don't understand. He has always had a high tolerence for pain which amazed me. He could get hurt and still work. His pain level is not like most people. What would be a level 6 or 7 for most is a 3 or 4 for him. Now that he has been in the accident and I see how bad he hurts I can't help but wonder what his pain is really at. If he has always tolerated pain well but now he can't get comfortable does that mean he is having a level 10 pain and if so what would that be for someone like me? So knowing this I tend to let him get away with his attitude problems.
The down side to all of this is that like I mentioned before; with his PTSD he has mood swings and can be difficult to be around sometimes. Now that he is in a large amount of pain and unable to go to work he is even more irritable than before. So mixing his PTSD with his new anger has made the last week challenging to say the least. I find myself getting angry but then I remember that he can't help it and I am forced to put aside my own frustrations and do what I can to make his day a bit better.
In the beginning of this post I referenced Samantha from Bewitched and how if I could I would twitch away his pain and make things better for him, but since I can't I am finding ways to make things easier. I will however be honest and say that the army sometimes doesn't seem to make that an easy task. Last week he went to see his PCM and she gave him 10 days of Con Leave. I was frustrated and annoyed, anyone who have practiced medicine or been in an accident knows that something that severe doesn't heal in 10 days. So now we have to go back this week to get more time off for him. The man can barely get dressed on his own without needing a nap and yet his PCM thinks he should be heading back to work. All of this and they still haven't done an MRI to determine how bad his spine is. After the accident they postponed his orders to Korea for 30 days and while I appreciate that I know that he won't be ready. I have been through a major accident and still suffer from the pain. I know that my T-bone was nothing compared to his 22 ft drop off a cliff and rolling his vehicle. All I can think is if my body was that messed up from a simple accident how bad is his after rolling his truck and falling off a cliff? Just the other day he told me he needed a shower he couldn't stand feeling dirty so I helped him get into the shower and about 10 minutes later he came out staggering to the couch and laid down. He told me he was so exhausted he needed a nap. Just taking a shower took all the energy he had away. Here is a man who can't stand feeling helpless and he can't eve do the simple things that people tend to take for granted. What worries me the most is that he is moving from the living room to the bedroom and yet they haven't done the MRI to figure out how bad he is hurt. Which leaves me with the question of how can he be ready to head to Korea if they don't know the extent of his injuries? I do need to clarify that his company has been great and so my complaint tonight is not directed toward them but toward the PCM that he has to see. When we were there last week he had virtually no range of motion and call me crazy but a truck driver needs to be able to move freely something he hasn't achieved yet.
Now my purpose of tonight's post isn't to rag on the army or to complain but to say that if I could I would change how they see things. Samantha could twitch her nose and fix things and if I could I would twitch my nose and make things easier on my husband. I know how it feels to be in overwhelming pain and have people act like your the one that is crazy. Part of me wonders if they are trying to overlook the pain and the injuries because they need him to go to Korea. I am sure that I am overreacting but I see a man who at this point is finding it hard to smile, who spends most of his day trying to find a comfortable position to sit in, who has to rely on his wife and children to get him a drink, and who watches his wife do things that tire me out just to help him; and I think to myself why can't I just twitch my nose and change everything? It's moments like this that make the PTSD harder for him. He already feels like he isn't doing his part because of the injuries and now because of the PTSD his head is telling him that he is pathetic.
I guess my point for tonight is to be patient I have said it before but I will say it again, have patience with your soldier. The PTSD will never go away but with help they can learn to live with it and have some semblance of a normal life. It takes a lot for you as the spouse to deal with their behaviors and moods on a daily basis and patience along with a lot of prayer can help you get through but if they end up adding another traumatic event to the existing PTSD you will wish you to could just twitch your nose. That is why it is best to start practicing patience now so that if it does happen to you, you can face it better. I am not good with patience and I won't pretend to be so it makes day to day life more challenging because I am constantly having to step back or walk away until I calm down so I don't freak out on him for something he can't control. If I had learned patience before instead of attacking him I wouldn't be making him feel like less of a man because he can't help what he is going through now. I hope that tonight's post helps some of you and I do apologize for the delay in posting. Right now my focus has to be on my husband and I am sure you all understand that, but I will do my best to keep my posts updated.
As you know my husband was in a horrible accident and suffered a concussion as well as unknown injuries. He is currently on a 10 day Con leave from the army. I have been with this man for 15 years and he has never done well with extensive time off and he is a bit hard to handle when he is sick so imagine how difficult it would be to have him home from work and laid up. For the last several days his attitude has been increasingly worse and hard to handle.
It has been almost two weeks since his accident now and though his head is getting a little bit better his back and neck are getting worse. He has the worst time getting comfortable and he can't sleep very well. We have tried everything and finally had to resort to giving him melatonin to help him sleep. Now he is finally getting some sleep though he is waking up in so much pain that he can barely walk. He gets weak and tired easily. Just yesterday the insurance company settled the truck with us and so I had to have him go with me to the bank since the check was in his name. All he had to do was ride to the bank with me and then come home. Not more than 5 minutes outside the house he started getting nauseous and his head started hurting. I gave him some meds to help him fight the nausea which helped only a bit but his back began to bother him more than usual. The whole trip he was miserable and crabby, nothing I did was right. He spent most of the trip hurling insults at me making me feel like crap.
I know he's miserable and having gone through what he's been through I understand how hard it is. He once told me that when I get overly sore I tend to be a "b***h" to everyone around and show a lack of care for those around me. Now he is doing the same. He just reacts without thinking and though I know how he feels those around him like our children don't understand. He has always had a high tolerence for pain which amazed me. He could get hurt and still work. His pain level is not like most people. What would be a level 6 or 7 for most is a 3 or 4 for him. Now that he has been in the accident and I see how bad he hurts I can't help but wonder what his pain is really at. If he has always tolerated pain well but now he can't get comfortable does that mean he is having a level 10 pain and if so what would that be for someone like me? So knowing this I tend to let him get away with his attitude problems.
The down side to all of this is that like I mentioned before; with his PTSD he has mood swings and can be difficult to be around sometimes. Now that he is in a large amount of pain and unable to go to work he is even more irritable than before. So mixing his PTSD with his new anger has made the last week challenging to say the least. I find myself getting angry but then I remember that he can't help it and I am forced to put aside my own frustrations and do what I can to make his day a bit better.
In the beginning of this post I referenced Samantha from Bewitched and how if I could I would twitch away his pain and make things better for him, but since I can't I am finding ways to make things easier. I will however be honest and say that the army sometimes doesn't seem to make that an easy task. Last week he went to see his PCM and she gave him 10 days of Con Leave. I was frustrated and annoyed, anyone who have practiced medicine or been in an accident knows that something that severe doesn't heal in 10 days. So now we have to go back this week to get more time off for him. The man can barely get dressed on his own without needing a nap and yet his PCM thinks he should be heading back to work. All of this and they still haven't done an MRI to determine how bad his spine is. After the accident they postponed his orders to Korea for 30 days and while I appreciate that I know that he won't be ready. I have been through a major accident and still suffer from the pain. I know that my T-bone was nothing compared to his 22 ft drop off a cliff and rolling his vehicle. All I can think is if my body was that messed up from a simple accident how bad is his after rolling his truck and falling off a cliff? Just the other day he told me he needed a shower he couldn't stand feeling dirty so I helped him get into the shower and about 10 minutes later he came out staggering to the couch and laid down. He told me he was so exhausted he needed a nap. Just taking a shower took all the energy he had away. Here is a man who can't stand feeling helpless and he can't eve do the simple things that people tend to take for granted. What worries me the most is that he is moving from the living room to the bedroom and yet they haven't done the MRI to figure out how bad he is hurt. Which leaves me with the question of how can he be ready to head to Korea if they don't know the extent of his injuries? I do need to clarify that his company has been great and so my complaint tonight is not directed toward them but toward the PCM that he has to see. When we were there last week he had virtually no range of motion and call me crazy but a truck driver needs to be able to move freely something he hasn't achieved yet.
Now my purpose of tonight's post isn't to rag on the army or to complain but to say that if I could I would change how they see things. Samantha could twitch her nose and fix things and if I could I would twitch my nose and make things easier on my husband. I know how it feels to be in overwhelming pain and have people act like your the one that is crazy. Part of me wonders if they are trying to overlook the pain and the injuries because they need him to go to Korea. I am sure that I am overreacting but I see a man who at this point is finding it hard to smile, who spends most of his day trying to find a comfortable position to sit in, who has to rely on his wife and children to get him a drink, and who watches his wife do things that tire me out just to help him; and I think to myself why can't I just twitch my nose and change everything? It's moments like this that make the PTSD harder for him. He already feels like he isn't doing his part because of the injuries and now because of the PTSD his head is telling him that he is pathetic.
I guess my point for tonight is to be patient I have said it before but I will say it again, have patience with your soldier. The PTSD will never go away but with help they can learn to live with it and have some semblance of a normal life. It takes a lot for you as the spouse to deal with their behaviors and moods on a daily basis and patience along with a lot of prayer can help you get through but if they end up adding another traumatic event to the existing PTSD you will wish you to could just twitch your nose. That is why it is best to start practicing patience now so that if it does happen to you, you can face it better. I am not good with patience and I won't pretend to be so it makes day to day life more challenging because I am constantly having to step back or walk away until I calm down so I don't freak out on him for something he can't control. If I had learned patience before instead of attacking him I wouldn't be making him feel like less of a man because he can't help what he is going through now. I hope that tonight's post helps some of you and I do apologize for the delay in posting. Right now my focus has to be on my husband and I am sure you all understand that, but I will do my best to keep my posts updated.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Just Another Day
In previous posts I mentioned the auto accident my husband was in. The last week has been nothing but recovery and waiting. I have posted before how hard it can be to live with someone who has PTSD and how each day can be trying. I have learned a lot in the last few days just how trying each day can be.
Since my husband returned from Afghanistan his attitude has been so hot and cold. He can be fine one minute and a huge jerk the next. I have learned to recognize these moods to help alleviate any stress in the family. I try to remain quiet when he decides to freak out about nothing but I will tell you it has been so hard to remain quiet this last week.
Most of the last week my husband has been in and out of it. Meaning that he has had few moments where he has been alert and coherent. I have tried to let him rest as much as possible not just for his benefit but for mine as well. The reason for that is simple when he has been awake he has been demanding, short tempered, and crabby. I have made comments in past posts about his need to be right all the time but this last week has been challenging to say the least. Lets start with our trips to the doctor and the hospital. My husband has always thrown in my face that he is a better driver. He insists that I could never in my life drive as well as he does. So imagine how it feels when he is partially coherent and can't even keep his eyes open yet he is sitting in the passengers seat telling me that I need to stop swerving and stay in my lane. I tried several times to tell him that I was driving just fine yet he refused to listen. In fact he just got more adamant and rude telling me he should drive. This has been happening every time we get into the car. It takes so much strength and self control to not lose my cool on him. I just remind myself that he can't help it.
Along with his need to dissect my driving he has been in a foul mood overall. Now I expect this to an extent since he was in a horrible accident but this goes beyond that. My husband has always been a worker he can't stand being home for no reason. So having to be on bed rest he tends to get very cranky. For the last week he has been so difficult to deal with. Every time I try to do something for him he gets crabby and yells at me.
When someone has gone through something as traumatic as my husband has you can make excuses as to their behaviors because you understand what they are going through, but what has me the most concerned is that in addition to his PTSD from the last year he seems to be suffering an added PTSD from the accident. He tends to have reactions to riding not only does he yell at me, he gets sick to his stomach, his head aches flare up and he can't sit still. He gets very uneasy in the car now. Not only that but he has told me that his lack of sleep has gotten worse and it takes medication to get him to sleep and that only works part of the time. When he does sleep he has very weird dreams making it hard for him to get any decent rest.
Today we went to see his PCM to find out what all is wrong with him and I told her how concerned I am about his PTSD and what this accident has done to it. She agreed that something like that can cause more trauma and added stress to his PTSD; it will just be a matter of time to see exactly how much worse he is going to be. All of this and we still don't know the full extent of his injuries.
My point in telling you all this is two fold. The first is that most anything can make PTSD worse. Never just assume that the way they are now is how they are going to stay. In this world there can be any number of things that can make their PTSD worse and more difficult for us as spouses to understand. The second is to let you know that there may be breaks in how often I post, until things settle down I may be sporadic in my posts. My first priority is to take care of my soldier.
Thanks for your patience and for all the prayers for my husband and our family.
Since my husband returned from Afghanistan his attitude has been so hot and cold. He can be fine one minute and a huge jerk the next. I have learned to recognize these moods to help alleviate any stress in the family. I try to remain quiet when he decides to freak out about nothing but I will tell you it has been so hard to remain quiet this last week.
Most of the last week my husband has been in and out of it. Meaning that he has had few moments where he has been alert and coherent. I have tried to let him rest as much as possible not just for his benefit but for mine as well. The reason for that is simple when he has been awake he has been demanding, short tempered, and crabby. I have made comments in past posts about his need to be right all the time but this last week has been challenging to say the least. Lets start with our trips to the doctor and the hospital. My husband has always thrown in my face that he is a better driver. He insists that I could never in my life drive as well as he does. So imagine how it feels when he is partially coherent and can't even keep his eyes open yet he is sitting in the passengers seat telling me that I need to stop swerving and stay in my lane. I tried several times to tell him that I was driving just fine yet he refused to listen. In fact he just got more adamant and rude telling me he should drive. This has been happening every time we get into the car. It takes so much strength and self control to not lose my cool on him. I just remind myself that he can't help it.
Along with his need to dissect my driving he has been in a foul mood overall. Now I expect this to an extent since he was in a horrible accident but this goes beyond that. My husband has always been a worker he can't stand being home for no reason. So having to be on bed rest he tends to get very cranky. For the last week he has been so difficult to deal with. Every time I try to do something for him he gets crabby and yells at me.
When someone has gone through something as traumatic as my husband has you can make excuses as to their behaviors because you understand what they are going through, but what has me the most concerned is that in addition to his PTSD from the last year he seems to be suffering an added PTSD from the accident. He tends to have reactions to riding not only does he yell at me, he gets sick to his stomach, his head aches flare up and he can't sit still. He gets very uneasy in the car now. Not only that but he has told me that his lack of sleep has gotten worse and it takes medication to get him to sleep and that only works part of the time. When he does sleep he has very weird dreams making it hard for him to get any decent rest.
Today we went to see his PCM to find out what all is wrong with him and I told her how concerned I am about his PTSD and what this accident has done to it. She agreed that something like that can cause more trauma and added stress to his PTSD; it will just be a matter of time to see exactly how much worse he is going to be. All of this and we still don't know the full extent of his injuries.
My point in telling you all this is two fold. The first is that most anything can make PTSD worse. Never just assume that the way they are now is how they are going to stay. In this world there can be any number of things that can make their PTSD worse and more difficult for us as spouses to understand. The second is to let you know that there may be breaks in how often I post, until things settle down I may be sporadic in my posts. My first priority is to take care of my soldier.
Thanks for your patience and for all the prayers for my husband and our family.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Delay in Posts PT 2
In my last post I left off with us heading to the hospital yet again. So here we go with the second half...
After the ambulance left with my husband I got the kids settled and headed to the hospital I left about 15 minutes after they did and yet when I got to the hospital I went to the window to ask what room he was in and they told me he wasn't there. For the next 15 minutes I spoke with the attendant telling them I knew they brought him there, to which she asked me if he was brought in as a drug overdose. I couldn't believe what she was asking. I didn't even bother to answer nice on that I told her in the most blunt yet forceful terms that he under no circumstances came in as a drug overdose. So yet again I was stuck waiting to get some information so I could go see my husband who was barely conscious. Finally she calls me up and says that he had been brought in as a drug overdose and I could now go back to see him. I was furious and couldn't figure out what idiot would assume that seeing as how the EMT in charge was the same one who responded to the call on Monday the day of the accident. The EMT hismself told me he was the first responder to the original accident so he knew the injuries yet somehow after telling that to me he puts on the paperwork that he was a drug overdose. So finally I was told I could go back to see him. When I got back to his room a nurse was in there treating him like crap drawing tubes of blood for a drug test and the whole time she was in the room she was rude and disrespectful to him as if he was a drug addict.
For the next two hours they left him there to suffer and did nothing to help him. They kept coming in telling us they knew about his pain and they would do what they could but then they would leave and let him suffer. It took 3 hours before they finally gave him something. During that time his pulse was all over the place, his pulse ox was dropping into the lowers 80's and he was out of it. The doctor came in and told us they were going to do another CT scan and go from there. By now I was angry; after a massive accident to which he rolled his truck they sent him home and now they were repeating the same exact test they did the day of. Everyone knows that CT is not the scan to use for back and neck injuries MRI's are best for seeing the damages done to spine and neck. So I tell them they need to do one, but they tell me they want to wait for the swelling to go down. I looked at them like they were idiots. They wanted to wait for however long for the swelling to go down and let him walk around with unknown spinal injuries.....can u say lawsuit? Moving on though finally they come in and tell me that they stand by their original diagnosis that he has a severe concussion and since he fell and took a new hit to the head they were worried that he could suffer a TBI if he were to get another hit to the head. Then once again they wanted to send him home. This time I threw a bit of a fit and told them that he can barely walk he is severely dizzy all the time and can't stand on his own, they need to admit him for a night or two. By this time his 1SG was there and was also asking that my husband be admitted. Even the nurse agreed with us that it would be better for him. After about two more hours the doctor came back in and finally told us that he ran his decision to admit my husband by the head of the trauma department and the head of the department said since he wasn't critical the answer was no. So here we were on our way home yet again. This time though they gave me some meds that help him sleep.
It has been almost a week and his headache hasn't subsided, his vision is blurry, and he can't stand up without getting dizzy. In addition to that he is suffering severe back pain, shoulder pain, and neck pain. He can only sleep if I give him his meds otherwise he lays awake trying to get comfortable.
His first appointment with his PCM is on Monday and I am concerned about what they are going to do for him. I have had very little help from the medical staff here so far. I have had people tell me that the army only cares about getting him back to work, so far from what I have seen on the medical side that seems right however on the other side the soldiers in his company seem to only care about his health and him getting better. I just want them to find out what is wrong with him so we can decide where to go from here.
After the ambulance left with my husband I got the kids settled and headed to the hospital I left about 15 minutes after they did and yet when I got to the hospital I went to the window to ask what room he was in and they told me he wasn't there. For the next 15 minutes I spoke with the attendant telling them I knew they brought him there, to which she asked me if he was brought in as a drug overdose. I couldn't believe what she was asking. I didn't even bother to answer nice on that I told her in the most blunt yet forceful terms that he under no circumstances came in as a drug overdose. So yet again I was stuck waiting to get some information so I could go see my husband who was barely conscious. Finally she calls me up and says that he had been brought in as a drug overdose and I could now go back to see him. I was furious and couldn't figure out what idiot would assume that seeing as how the EMT in charge was the same one who responded to the call on Monday the day of the accident. The EMT hismself told me he was the first responder to the original accident so he knew the injuries yet somehow after telling that to me he puts on the paperwork that he was a drug overdose. So finally I was told I could go back to see him. When I got back to his room a nurse was in there treating him like crap drawing tubes of blood for a drug test and the whole time she was in the room she was rude and disrespectful to him as if he was a drug addict.
For the next two hours they left him there to suffer and did nothing to help him. They kept coming in telling us they knew about his pain and they would do what they could but then they would leave and let him suffer. It took 3 hours before they finally gave him something. During that time his pulse was all over the place, his pulse ox was dropping into the lowers 80's and he was out of it. The doctor came in and told us they were going to do another CT scan and go from there. By now I was angry; after a massive accident to which he rolled his truck they sent him home and now they were repeating the same exact test they did the day of. Everyone knows that CT is not the scan to use for back and neck injuries MRI's are best for seeing the damages done to spine and neck. So I tell them they need to do one, but they tell me they want to wait for the swelling to go down. I looked at them like they were idiots. They wanted to wait for however long for the swelling to go down and let him walk around with unknown spinal injuries.....can u say lawsuit? Moving on though finally they come in and tell me that they stand by their original diagnosis that he has a severe concussion and since he fell and took a new hit to the head they were worried that he could suffer a TBI if he were to get another hit to the head. Then once again they wanted to send him home. This time I threw a bit of a fit and told them that he can barely walk he is severely dizzy all the time and can't stand on his own, they need to admit him for a night or two. By this time his 1SG was there and was also asking that my husband be admitted. Even the nurse agreed with us that it would be better for him. After about two more hours the doctor came back in and finally told us that he ran his decision to admit my husband by the head of the trauma department and the head of the department said since he wasn't critical the answer was no. So here we were on our way home yet again. This time though they gave me some meds that help him sleep.
It has been almost a week and his headache hasn't subsided, his vision is blurry, and he can't stand up without getting dizzy. In addition to that he is suffering severe back pain, shoulder pain, and neck pain. He can only sleep if I give him his meds otherwise he lays awake trying to get comfortable.
His first appointment with his PCM is on Monday and I am concerned about what they are going to do for him. I have had very little help from the medical staff here so far. I have had people tell me that the army only cares about getting him back to work, so far from what I have seen on the medical side that seems right however on the other side the soldiers in his company seem to only care about his health and him getting better. I just want them to find out what is wrong with him so we can decide where to go from here.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Comments
It has come to my attention that some have read my blog and wanted to leave comments. I have now fixed it to where you can leave comments for me. I do however maintain the right to not allow comments that put others down or make people feel bad about themselves. I do welcome comments or thoughts and I would love to hear others stories as well. So please feel free to leave comments and thoughts.
I also have decided on the name for my support group I have decided to go with Spouses of PTSD Soldiers or SOPS. If you have any ideas for better names I would love to hear them.
I also have decided on the name for my support group I have decided to go with Spouses of PTSD Soldiers or SOPS. If you have any ideas for better names I would love to hear them.
Delay in Posts
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Monday morning I was sleeping in and was awaken by my cell phone ringing. I usually check the number and if its local I answer it in case its important so I see its local and of course I answer it. The voice on the other end identifies himself as a Colorado State Trooper. I went from barely awake to eyes bugged out and wide open. He begins to tell me that by now the hospital should have called me, to which I can only reply with "what are you talking about why would the hospital call me?" His reply is that the hospital was suppose to call me and then call the army. Yet he still hasn't told me why. By now I am starting to freak out and he finally says "Ma'am you husband was in a wreck this morning. Now don't freak out he is okay but by the looks of the truck its a miracle he's alive." If I hadn't been so freaked I would have told him his bedside manner sucked. He then went on to tell me that the best he could figure is that my husband fell asleep at the wheel and crashed. I told him I couldn't believe that; he was heading to PT there is no way he fell asleep. But he had made up his mind and told me that he was asleep however in the next sentence he admitted that my husband was so incoherent that he couldn't even say his own name. So there is no way for the trooper to know that he was or wasn't asleep. Anyway moving on.
I quickly threw some clothes on and ran out the door. I made great time getting to the hospital and found him in the Resuscitation unit barely awake and miserable. He had blood on his head. He had a huge lump next to the cut. He was on the verge of throwing up and he couldn't stand up. He was so miserable and I felt so bad for him. They told me that they did CT scans on his body and found nothing wrong with him. So they felt he could go home. They put him in a wheel chair and took him out to my car. He was in immense pain and super sensitive to light and sound on the ride home. They diagnosed him with a concussion and told me to keep an eye on him. On the way to the post hospital to fill his pain pills his 1SG called me and told me to take him to the post ER to be re-evaluated in the event that the civilian hospital missed something. So I took him to Evans and they got him back right away. The doctor comes in and asks me why I brought him in after he just got out of another hospital. I told them that I was told he needed to be seen by army doctors. They then took his blood pressure and his heart rate and told me that they agree with the other hospital and sent him home. I got him home and as the day went on he got worse he couldn't eat, he couldn't handle anyone talking, and the natural sunlight was killing his head. I followed instructions to wake him up and keep checking on him while running errands, talking to his commanders, and taking care of the kids. I was exhuasted but he needed me. The next day he got worse he couldn't stand up on his own and he still couldn't keep food down. He was in severe pain and his head was killing him. So according to directions I took him back to the hospital.
This time I took him to Evans as requested by his company. He wouldn't let me take him by ambulance so I drove him. When I got there I told them his symptoms that he was severely dizzy, couldn't keep anything down, his head was hurting so bad it felt like it was going to explode, and he could barely walk. After all that they still told him to sit and wait to get called back. We waited in the waiting room for 3 hours the whole time he was getting worse and worse. I went up several times and yelled at them for treating him this way and finally after 3 1/2 hours they took him back to a room. They got him into a bed and settled down. The doctor came in and explained the treatment plan for the night. They took him down for an x-ray which every one knows doesn't show tissue or disc damage. After x-rays were done and he was back in his room they started pumping pain meds into his IV. The down side is that the pain meds were calming the back pain a bit but adding a bunch of pressure to his already throbbing head. So they had no choice but to stop giving him the pain meds. One would think that they would try something else but nope they actually told us that "soldiers will do anything to get out of PT". I was getting so angry that they were treating him like a dirt bag. He was in pain, his hands were twitching uncontrollably, and he couldn't handle light or noise and the doctor comes in laughs it off and says "your going to be feeling bad for a bit." He didn't try to do anything else to help him. In fact he admitted to us that the x-ray was just to look for broken vertebrae. He tells us that without a MRI they wouldn't know if there was anything wrong but they want to wait for the swelling to go down before they do one. Then once again they discharged him this time though they said he had not just a concussion but a severe concussion and once again told me to keep an eye on him. By now I haven't slept and I was so over tired but I still had to get him home and into the house by myself and he can barely walk.
I finally got him to bed at 3 am and then got myself ready. They next morning which was Wednesday I woke up fairly early to hear him pseudo whimpering in pain. I did what I could to get him comfortable. I told him though he was fairly incoherent that I had an appointment that I couldn't miss so I had to leave I would leave our son home if he needed a drink or something but I wouldn't be gone for long. I told him to just rest I would be back soon. I gave my son instructions on how to take care of his father for the short time I was going to be gone. I hadn't been gone for more than 30 minutes when my cell phone starts ringing; on the other end is the fire chief telling me that my husband had tried to get up to walk and fell down. Our son found him on the floor in the living room. He was barely conscious when the EM T's got there. So once again we were on our way to the hospital.
What happened next was so frustrating...... But it is late so you will have to check in tomorrow for the rest!!!
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