Broken

When someone we love gets hurt or sick our first instinct is to do everything we can to help them feel better.  We go above and beyond to show the sick person that we care about them.  Usually this is a good thing but for a soldier with PTSD it can back fire and cause more problems.  One thing I have learned from my husband is that most of the time he doesn't even know what he wants so there is no way for me to know.  I have been married for 14 years and know him better than anyone else but since his return from Afghanistan it is like living with a stranger.  The simple things he used to love now seem to annoy him and he gets so frustrated so easily at the little things I do to make him feel better.  As a spouse we tend to take it too personally when our other half lashes out at us (well at least I do), and it takes time to understand that they aren't doing it to you they just don't know what to do with themselves.  It has truly become a labor of love when trying to help my husband because prior to helping I first have to investigate the situation to see if there is anything I can do.  No longer can I look over at him and know in my head that all he needs is a cup of coffee or one of his blankets or whatever else he used to love  now I have to ask him permission to try and make him feel better which of course can set him off if his mood isn't right.  I don't like the phrase but it truly is handling him with kid gloves.  I spend a better part of my time trying to learn his new moods and recognizing them when they happen but that is not always accurate.

 Over the last few months I have learned that sometimes the best way to help him is to shut up and do nothing.  When he is ready he will come to me.  That part is hard for spouses and I understand why it is scary having someone you have known and loved for so long change completely and it is very hard to judge what they are going to do when they start doing things and acting in ways they never did before.  It can be almost terrifying waiting for them to come to you.  That was my problem at first.  When he came home he was so withdrawn that he didn't want to be near me and I was scared if I left him alone that he would never come back to me.  So I smothered him and made things harder on him.  It took counseling and marriage retreats and a lot of prayer to learn that what God plans will happen.  I had to trust that he loved me and he would eventually come to me like he always had before no matter how bad it hurt pushing him to want to be with me would only make it worse for both of us.  

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with PTSD and I still don't have all the answers and since his accident it has gotten worse.  I will be honest and say I screw up daily, I am learning his moods and his habits all over again now that the accident changed him yet again.  It is so hard watching someone you love fight within themselves to find happiness and knowing that there is nothing you can DO to help them is heart breaking.  So I figured I may not be able to make it better for him but I can be close by and love him no matter what he does or how hard it gets.  To me it isn't much but for them it is everything. 

No Rest for the Weary

It has been several weeks now since my husband's accident and things are not getting better.  I spoke previously about my husband's inability to sleep and how it has affected his PTSD.  So I titled this post "No Rest for the Weary." 

Upon my husband's return from Afghanistan he couldn't no matter how hard he tried get decent sleep.  Prior to the army and his deployment my husband would sleep 6 hours during the weekdays and on the weekends crash for 10-12 hours.  I used to get annoyed that he always slept the weekends away.  He was a deep sleeper on top of that.  I used to get frustrated because I would wake him up to ask him something get his answer then a few hours after he got up he would get mad at me for doing something without asking him.  He could carry on full conversations in his sleep and when he woke up he would be rested.  Now we are lucky if he gets 2 hours of sleep at night and 3 on the weekends.  His doctor prescribed a sleeping aide but we're lucky if it helps any.  No matter what tricks we try he still can't get proper rest. 


Lack of sleep and loss of sleep is very common when dealing with PTSD but it is hard for someone to understand just how difficult it is unless you live it.  I have been living with this since his return in 2011 and I can assure you that I have absolutely no idea how to be the perfect wife.  But no matter how hard it is for me, I can never imagine how hard it is for him.  What he goes through and how hard it is for him I will never understand and I would never pretend to.  The mistake I see a lot of spouses make is they try to be their spouse's shrink.  In fact at first I did the same thing.  I remember when he first came home I would try to analyze him and try to "fix" him.  I quickly learned that it was the best way to hurt the marriage and drive my spouse away.  While I spent my time trying to psychoanalyze him he was distancing himself hoping to get some peace.  It has been more than a year now and I have learned to be his friend, his Allie, his support, and his wife.  I learned to leave the analyzing to the doctors. 

It is important to understand that along with the lack of sleep comes severe mood changes.  I will be honest and say that these mood changes can drive you mad.  They start off mildly irritated but settle down fairly quickly from there they become more agitated and it takes a bit longer to settle down but they do calm down then it gets worse to where they are snapping and freaking out a majority of the time and just as soon as they settle down they freak out again.  It becomes difficult to handle as they are spending a majority of time yelling at everything and everyone.  It does get hard to not lash out at them but the more you lose it the more they stay agitated.  As hard as it is the best thing you can do is stay calm find something that calms you and rely on that. 

Just remember the moves you make will affect your soldier.  Everything you do or don't do affects them.  I understand that it is a lot to take in and most of us didn't sign up for this life but as a spouse it is important to put your soldier before yourself and do what is best for them.  That is why I am starting my non profit organization....I want to provide a place where spouses can come and let loose the stresses of this life.  A place where they can find peace and hope to be better for their spouse.  That is my goal and I hope that you will join me.

Frustrations

It has been awhile since my last post and sad to say things haven't improved much.  It has been over 5 weeks since my husband's accident and there has been little improvement.  With each day that he is home from work and suffering his moods continue to decline.  The PTSD was always noticeable before the accident but since then the moods and the attitudes have gotten worse.  Everyday is a different attitude and mood that I have to learn.  Before the accident I had started to figure out his moods and learn when to back off and when to try to help.  Now his moods are so sporadic and unstable that there is no learning the pattern.  One minute he is fine watching TV and the next he is very angry and yelling needlessly then as quickly as it started he calms down and apologizes for his outburst.  This happens several times a day making it difficult to judge the patterns and figure out how to respond. 

One of the things they tell you as the spouse of a PTSD soldier is to learn your soldiers moods and try to not react to every thing they do.  They teach you to learn and listen.  It is vital to the soldiers well being and the marriage for the spouse to learn when and how to react to the moods and attitudes of the soldier.  The spouse is to take mental note of the soldiers up and downs the point of this is to be able to recognize the warning signs for potential harm to themselves or others.  If the spouse does their part well they can easily recognize the potential hazards and help to keep the soldier from hurting themselves.  With that said there is no 100% guarantee that this will work all the time but it will help if the spouse is active in the soldiers recovery.  I myself have learned this first hand.  For the last year I have spent my days learning my husbands patterns and triggers.  I spent so much time learning the best ways to defuse a mood and to react and most important when to just shut up.  I will be the first to admit learning is easy but doing isn't.  I have learned but so many times failed to execute.  No matter how hard we try we are human and tend to react to our spouses moods whether intentional or not.  No body is perfect so from time to time we are going to react and make matters worse.  That has been my problem the last couple of weeks.  Like I mentioned before my husband's PTSD is getting worse and seems that nothing makes him happy right now.  My husband has always been a work horse and gives 100% at everything he does.  So for him to be laid up like this it makes his PTSD worse.  Being stuck at home unable to go to work messes with his head and that is a dangerous thing for a soldier with PTSD.  They need some sense of normalcy in order to keep them from going off the deep end.  So for him to not be in control of what is happening to him makes him crazy.  The worst thing that a soldier with PTSD can have happen if for them to lose control.  In order for them to sort of level out they need consistency and to be in control of their environment which is why when they go out in public they have to be seated in a place where they can see what is going on around them.  It is a comfort thing as well as a control thing. 

Another issue that we have faced since the accident is a more intense lack of sleep.  Like I mentioned before my husband hasn't slept well since his return from Afghanistan and now after the accident he sleeps even less.  His best nights sleep was a total of 2 hours 45 minutes.  The doctors have given him medication which does absolutely nothing for him.  Each night he goes without sleep his attitudes and moods continue to go downhill.  It makes it really hard to have a normal conversation with him when he is always on edge from the lack of sleep. 

Like I said every day is a challenge and sometimes it seems there is no end in sight but just one smile from him reminds me why I am here.  So my thought for tonight is to enjoy the good days they may be far and few between but when it gets tough remember that it can always get worse.  Be thankful for your spouses mild days and even though it is hard make sure you give them room to be who they need to be meaning don't get mad at them for freaking out or ruining a moment.  They can't help how they feel.  Whether or not they say so they do appreciate all you are doing even though they may not be able to vocalize it.  Your standing by them gives them the drive to go on.  Never forget that.