Veterans Day

On this Veterans Day, let us remember the service of our veterans, and let us renew our national promise to fulfill our sacred obligations to our veterans and their families who have sacrificed so much so that we can live free.

~ Dan Lipinski

Please take the time today to shake the hand of a soldier/veteran and thank them for their service without them this country wouldn't be.  From my family we thank all members of the military.  God Bless you always. 

Feeling Defeated

Commercials and TV make jokes about how the woman controls the relationship and the man doesn't dare go against her but we all know that is fiction.  If you spouse is anything like mine he is always right and can never accept defeat.  My husband and his sister have spent hours arguing with each other because neither can admit being wrong.  It is something I have lived with our entire marriage.  For the first several years it was so difficult living with him because every time we had an argument he had to be right so it felt like nothing I said was heard.  Which leads me to the next point which is the selective hearing that every man possess.  I can approach him with a concern and he won't hear me but if I go to another room and whisper under my breath about him he has super hearing and its amazing how fast he pays attention.  After he was diagnosed with PTSD these issues got worse.  If you have a spouse with PTSD you can most likely relate to what I am saying.  I have been in a lot of hard situations in my life but trying to have a discussion with my husband since his return from Afghanistan is virtually impossible.  Even the simplest of conversations turn into long drawn out arguments.  I will admit at first it was so hard to walk away before it turned into a huge fight but I learned to simply walk away and wait for him to calm down before approaching the topic again though to be honest that has its issues too.  Which leads me to the next problem of memory.

If your spouse is anything like mine they have selective memory and choose to remember what they think will work to their advantage and no matter how many times you try to tell them that they are mistaken it again goes back to the original issue of not being wrong.  These issues are almost always in any marriage but when your spouse has PTSD and a TBI these issues are magnified by a thousand.  My husband once told me that he couldn't remember my name until our third date but yet after a massive trauma he can remember something I said last week.  I told him that in order to avoid useless arguments I was going to start recording our days to play back to show him that its not always me.  I am not always the cause of his problems.  

My point in telling you all of that is to let you know that your not alone.  Having to always defend yourself or be the brunt of their attitudes can be exhausting.  I spend most of my days defending my choices and actions to him and yet he can't remember what I said to begin with.  It is stressful and wears down the spirit a bit.  I have met so many soldiers with PTSD and I see how hard life is for them, they don't understand what is going on inside them and so it is hard for the spouses to understand when they are unable to vocalize it to us.  We have been married for 15 years and have gone through the who's right and wrong for years but it got down right frustrating after his return from Afghanistan.  In all the years of our marriage never once was divorce a thought but after he came home he started thinking about divorce.  I was shocked here was the man I have loved more than anything for most of my life telling me that maybe we weren't meant to be.  I realized after that divorce is high in this country but it is higher among military.  It sadden me to see that divorce rates are so high in military families.  

I started thinking about the vows for better or worse, in sickness and health till death do us part.  These soldiers can't help it what they are going through is a sickness.  They don't plot how to make us spouses suffer.  They are hurting and here we are talking about leaving them.  I am in no way trying to judge anyone some cases are different what I am trying to do is to show a different side to this.  How would I feel if it were me who was suffering PTSD/TBI and my spouse walked away?  Could I live with myself knowing that when he needed me most I gave up and left?  I have heard it said what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, we are military spouses we are strong.  It does help to have a support system to lean on or family that can help.  But the fact is that these men and women are suffering.  They need their spouses to be there for them to lead them back.  They are lost and broken it is up to us spouses to take them and lead them out of the dark to a place that they can remember.  Psychologists can only do so much.  It is you the spouse who knows them inside and out and their deepest most treasured moments.  I know it is hard to fight when you feel like everything you are doing is wrong.  Just remember that whether they know it or not they need you to be there for them.  

My advice tonight is try to put yourself in their shoes and try to really understand where they are coming from.  If you have survived a deployment then you know your strong enough and think about it this way.... our soldiers make up 1% of this country's population and you are married to the 1%.  You are stronger than you think you are, it takes strength and love to be married to a soldier, so when you feel like quitting remember that and know that there are others like you out there who have been there and you can get through this and hopefully with your help so will your spouse and your marriage. 

Unanswered Questions

For those of you with children you have been in the uncomfortable situation of having to explain difficult things while avoiding subjects too hard for them to understand.  That is how it is with a spouse with PTSD.  Since my husband's accident and the diagnosis of TBI it has been that way with him.  Along with the PTSD he now has TBI to deal with which has severely affected his memory.  I have seen shows on TV about memory loss and amnesia, but never imagined how hard it is for those that suffer it.  One of the main side effects of his TBI is short term memory problems, vision issues, and an inability to operate a vehicle (particularly hard for him since he has been a truck driver since he was 20).  I see him suffer on a daily basis trying to remember the simple things and asking me constantly what is real and what his brain added in.  

I have had plenty of experience with my kids asking questions that are hard to answer without telling them things beyond their age, but it is a whole new world I am not familiar with when my husband does it.  Before the PTSD and the TBI he was a great almost phenomenal truck driver, college educated, very street smart, and amazing soldier; now he questions everything and has a very distinct lack of self esteem.  The hardest part is seeing him struggle to remember.  I watch him talk to people and if he gets interupted he can not remember what he was saying.  He easily gets distracted during conversations and finds it very difficult to get back into the conversation like he normally would.  

The point in telling you this is that as the days go by he asks me constantly about his condition and why certain things are happening.  He wants me to give him answers that I can not give him.  The hardest part is because of the PTSD; even if I thought that with the TBI he could handle the information the PTSD and his reactions keep me from telling him certain things.  Just like with your children you have to pick and choose what to tell them without lying to them.  I have to do the same thing on a daily basis.  It gets particularly hard when he thinks I am trying to hide things from him due to his condition and then he lashes out at me.  

I have seen PTSD in someone without other physical injury and PTSD in someone with other injury and I don't know which one is more difficult to deal with.  Truth be told it isn't a game as to whom is worse than whom;  my point in mentioning it is that with someone with injury they tend to understand a little bit better why this is happening to them whereas the people I have met that have had no other injury feel that their PTSD isn't as valid as those that suffered other injury.  My husband is one of those.  His PTSD was brought on by a severe emotional trauma and for months he argued that he couldn't seek help because it would be an insult to those that suffered injury along with their PTSD diagnosis.  He felt that him being diagnosed with PTSD was wrong because he didn't suffer a greater trauma.  It is hard to explain to them how their thinking is wrong.  

At the end of the day I have decided honsety is best.  I have tried telling what I felt he needed to know, I have tried redirecting his questions, and I have come out and told him the truth and while the latter makes him angry for a short time he tends to do better knowing the truth.  The fact is there are some questions they may ask that we will never be able to answer the biggest of those is the "why did this happen to me?"  All I can tell him is God will someday tell him why.

Seeking Relief Where Ever Possible

Almost everywhere you go these days you see service animals.  If your like me then you assume that they are only for people who may be blind, deaf or physically challenged.  I recently learned that this simply isn't true.  When my husband returned home from Afghanistan he had/has such a hard time adjusting to public areas and rarely wants to go out.  He has a hard time understanding that the people he sees aren't there to hurt him so he rarely leaves home.  It is hard to see someone who loved going to the movies, or playing mini golf, going out to eat, and hanging out with friends; afraid to leave the home for fear of what people are going to do to him or think of him.  It is heartbreaking the man that I see now.  The more I spoke to people about PTSD the more I heard them say that he should get a therapy dog to help him in these areas.  So I approached him about it and he said he didn't need one and much like me he assumed that service dogs were for people with debilitating conditions.  What he didn't and doesn't understand is that his PTSD is a debilitating condition.  He told me he couldn't get a service dog because so many other people who NEED them would have to wait until  he got his and to him that wasn't fair.  It seem like no matter what I said he wouldn't hear of getting a service dog so I dropped it, for a while.  

After his accident he continued to get worse and has so many outbursts that I find it difficult not to lash out at him.   He has told me numerous times how he fears returning to work or having to face multiple people again.  It appears that the more he stays home the more he fears going out so once again I approached the service dog discussion, I told him that they have service dogs for military and for people with PTSD.  Of course he told me that he couldn't take a dog aways from his fellow service members that desperately need one.  Then I was lucky to come across a trained PTSD dog.  Someone close to our family already had a dog that acted as a PTSD dog and so we went to visit him to meet his dog and it was amazing what these animals can do.  Never having met my husband this dog sat for a bit watching my husband and at one point he started to get freaked out like he usually does and without command or anyone saying anything this dog got up walked over to my husband sat down in front of him and nudged him.  She continued this until he started petting her.  It wasn't long before he was calming down and even starting to laugh a bit.  The whole time she sat there with him he caressed her ears and spoke to her and within a very short time he was comfortable enough that for the first time since his deployment he fell asleep for a short time somewhere other than home!  It was amazing how fast he attached to her and her to him.  It was decided then that this dog was a must have for my husband.  

She has been with us a week now and he rarely leaves her side.  When he goes to his doctor appointments she goes with him.  She gets wildly upset if he leaves and makes her stay she doesn't understand why he won't let her protect him.  I never knew that dogs could be trained to read someone and help without being told.  For the last few months things have been stressful and I find myself freaking out at his behaviors but with her here it gives me peace and he calms down quickly.  She has been amazing for him.  Along with the emotional support she gives him, having something to focus on and someone to care for helps him as well.

My thoughts are if you can handle having a dog it is worth it.  PTSD dogs are amazing.  One recommendation would be to get one that is fully trained.  We are still training her and just this week she was certified as a US Service Dog.  I am so thankful to have her here to help him out.  

Broken

When someone we love gets hurt or sick our first instinct is to do everything we can to help them feel better.  We go above and beyond to show the sick person that we care about them.  Usually this is a good thing but for a soldier with PTSD it can back fire and cause more problems.  One thing I have learned from my husband is that most of the time he doesn't even know what he wants so there is no way for me to know.  I have been married for 14 years and know him better than anyone else but since his return from Afghanistan it is like living with a stranger.  The simple things he used to love now seem to annoy him and he gets so frustrated so easily at the little things I do to make him feel better.  As a spouse we tend to take it too personally when our other half lashes out at us (well at least I do), and it takes time to understand that they aren't doing it to you they just don't know what to do with themselves.  It has truly become a labor of love when trying to help my husband because prior to helping I first have to investigate the situation to see if there is anything I can do.  No longer can I look over at him and know in my head that all he needs is a cup of coffee or one of his blankets or whatever else he used to love  now I have to ask him permission to try and make him feel better which of course can set him off if his mood isn't right.  I don't like the phrase but it truly is handling him with kid gloves.  I spend a better part of my time trying to learn his new moods and recognizing them when they happen but that is not always accurate.

 Over the last few months I have learned that sometimes the best way to help him is to shut up and do nothing.  When he is ready he will come to me.  That part is hard for spouses and I understand why it is scary having someone you have known and loved for so long change completely and it is very hard to judge what they are going to do when they start doing things and acting in ways they never did before.  It can be almost terrifying waiting for them to come to you.  That was my problem at first.  When he came home he was so withdrawn that he didn't want to be near me and I was scared if I left him alone that he would never come back to me.  So I smothered him and made things harder on him.  It took counseling and marriage retreats and a lot of prayer to learn that what God plans will happen.  I had to trust that he loved me and he would eventually come to me like he always had before no matter how bad it hurt pushing him to want to be with me would only make it worse for both of us.  

It has been over a year since he was diagnosed with PTSD and I still don't have all the answers and since his accident it has gotten worse.  I will be honest and say I screw up daily, I am learning his moods and his habits all over again now that the accident changed him yet again.  It is so hard watching someone you love fight within themselves to find happiness and knowing that there is nothing you can DO to help them is heart breaking.  So I figured I may not be able to make it better for him but I can be close by and love him no matter what he does or how hard it gets.  To me it isn't much but for them it is everything. 

No Rest for the Weary

It has been several weeks now since my husband's accident and things are not getting better.  I spoke previously about my husband's inability to sleep and how it has affected his PTSD.  So I titled this post "No Rest for the Weary." 

Upon my husband's return from Afghanistan he couldn't no matter how hard he tried get decent sleep.  Prior to the army and his deployment my husband would sleep 6 hours during the weekdays and on the weekends crash for 10-12 hours.  I used to get annoyed that he always slept the weekends away.  He was a deep sleeper on top of that.  I used to get frustrated because I would wake him up to ask him something get his answer then a few hours after he got up he would get mad at me for doing something without asking him.  He could carry on full conversations in his sleep and when he woke up he would be rested.  Now we are lucky if he gets 2 hours of sleep at night and 3 on the weekends.  His doctor prescribed a sleeping aide but we're lucky if it helps any.  No matter what tricks we try he still can't get proper rest. 


Lack of sleep and loss of sleep is very common when dealing with PTSD but it is hard for someone to understand just how difficult it is unless you live it.  I have been living with this since his return in 2011 and I can assure you that I have absolutely no idea how to be the perfect wife.  But no matter how hard it is for me, I can never imagine how hard it is for him.  What he goes through and how hard it is for him I will never understand and I would never pretend to.  The mistake I see a lot of spouses make is they try to be their spouse's shrink.  In fact at first I did the same thing.  I remember when he first came home I would try to analyze him and try to "fix" him.  I quickly learned that it was the best way to hurt the marriage and drive my spouse away.  While I spent my time trying to psychoanalyze him he was distancing himself hoping to get some peace.  It has been more than a year now and I have learned to be his friend, his Allie, his support, and his wife.  I learned to leave the analyzing to the doctors. 

It is important to understand that along with the lack of sleep comes severe mood changes.  I will be honest and say that these mood changes can drive you mad.  They start off mildly irritated but settle down fairly quickly from there they become more agitated and it takes a bit longer to settle down but they do calm down then it gets worse to where they are snapping and freaking out a majority of the time and just as soon as they settle down they freak out again.  It becomes difficult to handle as they are spending a majority of time yelling at everything and everyone.  It does get hard to not lash out at them but the more you lose it the more they stay agitated.  As hard as it is the best thing you can do is stay calm find something that calms you and rely on that. 

Just remember the moves you make will affect your soldier.  Everything you do or don't do affects them.  I understand that it is a lot to take in and most of us didn't sign up for this life but as a spouse it is important to put your soldier before yourself and do what is best for them.  That is why I am starting my non profit organization....I want to provide a place where spouses can come and let loose the stresses of this life.  A place where they can find peace and hope to be better for their spouse.  That is my goal and I hope that you will join me.

Frustrations

It has been awhile since my last post and sad to say things haven't improved much.  It has been over 5 weeks since my husband's accident and there has been little improvement.  With each day that he is home from work and suffering his moods continue to decline.  The PTSD was always noticeable before the accident but since then the moods and the attitudes have gotten worse.  Everyday is a different attitude and mood that I have to learn.  Before the accident I had started to figure out his moods and learn when to back off and when to try to help.  Now his moods are so sporadic and unstable that there is no learning the pattern.  One minute he is fine watching TV and the next he is very angry and yelling needlessly then as quickly as it started he calms down and apologizes for his outburst.  This happens several times a day making it difficult to judge the patterns and figure out how to respond. 

One of the things they tell you as the spouse of a PTSD soldier is to learn your soldiers moods and try to not react to every thing they do.  They teach you to learn and listen.  It is vital to the soldiers well being and the marriage for the spouse to learn when and how to react to the moods and attitudes of the soldier.  The spouse is to take mental note of the soldiers up and downs the point of this is to be able to recognize the warning signs for potential harm to themselves or others.  If the spouse does their part well they can easily recognize the potential hazards and help to keep the soldier from hurting themselves.  With that said there is no 100% guarantee that this will work all the time but it will help if the spouse is active in the soldiers recovery.  I myself have learned this first hand.  For the last year I have spent my days learning my husbands patterns and triggers.  I spent so much time learning the best ways to defuse a mood and to react and most important when to just shut up.  I will be the first to admit learning is easy but doing isn't.  I have learned but so many times failed to execute.  No matter how hard we try we are human and tend to react to our spouses moods whether intentional or not.  No body is perfect so from time to time we are going to react and make matters worse.  That has been my problem the last couple of weeks.  Like I mentioned before my husband's PTSD is getting worse and seems that nothing makes him happy right now.  My husband has always been a work horse and gives 100% at everything he does.  So for him to be laid up like this it makes his PTSD worse.  Being stuck at home unable to go to work messes with his head and that is a dangerous thing for a soldier with PTSD.  They need some sense of normalcy in order to keep them from going off the deep end.  So for him to not be in control of what is happening to him makes him crazy.  The worst thing that a soldier with PTSD can have happen if for them to lose control.  In order for them to sort of level out they need consistency and to be in control of their environment which is why when they go out in public they have to be seated in a place where they can see what is going on around them.  It is a comfort thing as well as a control thing. 

Another issue that we have faced since the accident is a more intense lack of sleep.  Like I mentioned before my husband hasn't slept well since his return from Afghanistan and now after the accident he sleeps even less.  His best nights sleep was a total of 2 hours 45 minutes.  The doctors have given him medication which does absolutely nothing for him.  Each night he goes without sleep his attitudes and moods continue to go downhill.  It makes it really hard to have a normal conversation with him when he is always on edge from the lack of sleep. 

Like I said every day is a challenge and sometimes it seems there is no end in sight but just one smile from him reminds me why I am here.  So my thought for tonight is to enjoy the good days they may be far and few between but when it gets tough remember that it can always get worse.  Be thankful for your spouses mild days and even though it is hard make sure you give them room to be who they need to be meaning don't get mad at them for freaking out or ruining a moment.  They can't help how they feel.  Whether or not they say so they do appreciate all you are doing even though they may not be able to vocalize it.  Your standing by them gives them the drive to go on.  Never forget that.