Unanswered Questions

For those of you with children you have been in the uncomfortable situation of having to explain difficult things while avoiding subjects too hard for them to understand.  That is how it is with a spouse with PTSD.  Since my husband's accident and the diagnosis of TBI it has been that way with him.  Along with the PTSD he now has TBI to deal with which has severely affected his memory.  I have seen shows on TV about memory loss and amnesia, but never imagined how hard it is for those that suffer it.  One of the main side effects of his TBI is short term memory problems, vision issues, and an inability to operate a vehicle (particularly hard for him since he has been a truck driver since he was 20).  I see him suffer on a daily basis trying to remember the simple things and asking me constantly what is real and what his brain added in.  

I have had plenty of experience with my kids asking questions that are hard to answer without telling them things beyond their age, but it is a whole new world I am not familiar with when my husband does it.  Before the PTSD and the TBI he was a great almost phenomenal truck driver, college educated, very street smart, and amazing soldier; now he questions everything and has a very distinct lack of self esteem.  The hardest part is seeing him struggle to remember.  I watch him talk to people and if he gets interupted he can not remember what he was saying.  He easily gets distracted during conversations and finds it very difficult to get back into the conversation like he normally would.  

The point in telling you this is that as the days go by he asks me constantly about his condition and why certain things are happening.  He wants me to give him answers that I can not give him.  The hardest part is because of the PTSD; even if I thought that with the TBI he could handle the information the PTSD and his reactions keep me from telling him certain things.  Just like with your children you have to pick and choose what to tell them without lying to them.  I have to do the same thing on a daily basis.  It gets particularly hard when he thinks I am trying to hide things from him due to his condition and then he lashes out at me.  

I have seen PTSD in someone without other physical injury and PTSD in someone with other injury and I don't know which one is more difficult to deal with.  Truth be told it isn't a game as to whom is worse than whom;  my point in mentioning it is that with someone with injury they tend to understand a little bit better why this is happening to them whereas the people I have met that have had no other injury feel that their PTSD isn't as valid as those that suffered other injury.  My husband is one of those.  His PTSD was brought on by a severe emotional trauma and for months he argued that he couldn't seek help because it would be an insult to those that suffered injury along with their PTSD diagnosis.  He felt that him being diagnosed with PTSD was wrong because he didn't suffer a greater trauma.  It is hard to explain to them how their thinking is wrong.  

At the end of the day I have decided honsety is best.  I have tried telling what I felt he needed to know, I have tried redirecting his questions, and I have come out and told him the truth and while the latter makes him angry for a short time he tends to do better knowing the truth.  The fact is there are some questions they may ask that we will never be able to answer the biggest of those is the "why did this happen to me?"  All I can tell him is God will someday tell him why.

Seeking Relief Where Ever Possible

Almost everywhere you go these days you see service animals.  If your like me then you assume that they are only for people who may be blind, deaf or physically challenged.  I recently learned that this simply isn't true.  When my husband returned home from Afghanistan he had/has such a hard time adjusting to public areas and rarely wants to go out.  He has a hard time understanding that the people he sees aren't there to hurt him so he rarely leaves home.  It is hard to see someone who loved going to the movies, or playing mini golf, going out to eat, and hanging out with friends; afraid to leave the home for fear of what people are going to do to him or think of him.  It is heartbreaking the man that I see now.  The more I spoke to people about PTSD the more I heard them say that he should get a therapy dog to help him in these areas.  So I approached him about it and he said he didn't need one and much like me he assumed that service dogs were for people with debilitating conditions.  What he didn't and doesn't understand is that his PTSD is a debilitating condition.  He told me he couldn't get a service dog because so many other people who NEED them would have to wait until  he got his and to him that wasn't fair.  It seem like no matter what I said he wouldn't hear of getting a service dog so I dropped it, for a while.  

After his accident he continued to get worse and has so many outbursts that I find it difficult not to lash out at him.   He has told me numerous times how he fears returning to work or having to face multiple people again.  It appears that the more he stays home the more he fears going out so once again I approached the service dog discussion, I told him that they have service dogs for military and for people with PTSD.  Of course he told me that he couldn't take a dog aways from his fellow service members that desperately need one.  Then I was lucky to come across a trained PTSD dog.  Someone close to our family already had a dog that acted as a PTSD dog and so we went to visit him to meet his dog and it was amazing what these animals can do.  Never having met my husband this dog sat for a bit watching my husband and at one point he started to get freaked out like he usually does and without command or anyone saying anything this dog got up walked over to my husband sat down in front of him and nudged him.  She continued this until he started petting her.  It wasn't long before he was calming down and even starting to laugh a bit.  The whole time she sat there with him he caressed her ears and spoke to her and within a very short time he was comfortable enough that for the first time since his deployment he fell asleep for a short time somewhere other than home!  It was amazing how fast he attached to her and her to him.  It was decided then that this dog was a must have for my husband.  

She has been with us a week now and he rarely leaves her side.  When he goes to his doctor appointments she goes with him.  She gets wildly upset if he leaves and makes her stay she doesn't understand why he won't let her protect him.  I never knew that dogs could be trained to read someone and help without being told.  For the last few months things have been stressful and I find myself freaking out at his behaviors but with her here it gives me peace and he calms down quickly.  She has been amazing for him.  Along with the emotional support she gives him, having something to focus on and someone to care for helps him as well.

My thoughts are if you can handle having a dog it is worth it.  PTSD dogs are amazing.  One recommendation would be to get one that is fully trained.  We are still training her and just this week she was certified as a US Service Dog.  I am so thankful to have her here to help him out.